The Real Meaning of Love | Mia Suissa | TEDxMilkenSchool
The speaker argues that the true meaning of love lies not in the action of giving, but in the act of receiving, which can be powerfully demonstrated by an interaction with a homeless woman named Gloria. This realization is supported by scholarly research indicating that people often resist receiving due to fear of intimacy, needing to earn compliments, or feeling obligated to reciprocate.
## Theses & Positions
- The conventional understanding of love is that it equals giving; thus, loving people means being a giving person.
- Love can be expressed through an expression deeper than just giving, involving the capacity to receive.
- Feeling needed and useful, derived from receiving, is a profound expression of love.
- The act of receiving is challenging because people often resist it due to ingrained psychological defenses.
- The ideal future state involves a mutual exchange where people feel needed, exemplified by a husband asking for a wife's advice or a table requiring every person to contribute an idea.
## Concepts & Definitions
- **Giving:** The traditional concept of love, requiring one to act kindly (e.g., giving time, money, gifts).
- **Receiving:** The act of allowing oneself to be the recipient of care, compliments, or ideas, which the speaker argues is fundamentally challenging.
- **Bashful pride:** The look seen on Gloria's face, indicating not gratitude for being taught, but for being *allowed* to teach.
- **Narcissistic entitlement:** Delineated into two types:
- Destructive narcissistic entitlement: Believing one deserves more than others.
- Healthy narcissistic entitlement: Understanding one's self-worth.
## Mechanisms & Processes
- **Skill Exchange Demonstration:** Teaching jewelry design to Gloria, who unexpectedly mixed beads in a novel pattern, leading the speaker to realize she was being *allowed* to teach, rather than simply taught.
- **Psychological Impediments to Receiving (Dr. John Amodio's list):**
- Putting up a defense against intimacy: People may try to keep others distant to maintain control when receiving creates connection.
- Fear of strings attached: Feeling that gifts or compliments must be earned through achievement rather than acceptance of inherent self-worth.
- Self-imposed pressure to reciprocate: Worrying that accepting something creates an immediate sense of obligation.
## Timeline & Sequence
- **Summer of 2013:** Time period when the speaker was volunteering at a woman's homeless shelter in downtown Los Angeles.
- **Daily routine:** Father would drop the speaker off at the shelter on his way to work.
## Named Entities
- **Skid Row** — Location in downtown Los Angeles where the speaker volunteered with the homeless.
- **Gloria** — Woman at the shelter who engaged in bead mixing patterns the speaker had never seen before.
- **Dr. John Amodio** — San Francisco psychologist who wrote the essay "why is it so hard to receive."
## Numbers & Data
- **2013** — Year setting for the key experience at the shelter.
- **Six or seven women** — Number of women gathered at the table where the speaker taught.
- **Five** — Number of reasons Dr. John Amodio lists for the difficulty in receiving.
## Examples & Cases
- **The Initial Context:** The speaker was volunteering at a woman's homeless shelter, teaching jewelry design, having started her own accessory business.
- **The Key Interaction:** While teaching earrings, the speaker noticed Gloria mixing beads and patterns in an unprecedented way, leading the speaker to say, *"Wow Gloria that's really neat I've never seen that before"* and then *blurted out the magic words you taught me something there*.
- **The Contrast in Experience:** The speaker was used to teaching and giving, but the epiphany occurred when she realized the value in *allowing* the student to lead.
- **The Ideal Dinner Table:** A dinner scenario where *every single person* is asked to contribute a story, an idea, or a thought.
- **The Husband/Wife Dynamic:** Instead of just sending flowers, a husband asking his wife, *"Honey I need your advice what do you think of this idea."*
## Tools, Tech & Products
- Jewelry design accessories (product line of the speaker).
## References Cited
- **"why is it so hard to receive"** — Title of the essay by Dr. John Amodio.
## Counterarguments & Caveats
- The established social norm teaches that love *means* giving, which initially clashed with the speaker's realization.
- A destructive narcissistic entitlement is contrasted with healthy narcissistic entitlement, showing that mere self-worth is insufficient without appreciation and humility when receiving.
## Methodology
- Narrative storytelling based on a personal experience (Skid Row).
- Analysis of existing psychological research (Dr. John Amodio's essay) to frame the experiential breakthrough.
## Conclusions & Recommendations
- The real meaning of love is found in the ability to receive, which enables the feeling of being needed and useful.
- A world where people are comfortable receiving and contributing ideas should be the goal.
- The shift from "giving" to "receiving" is necessary for love to deepen.
## Implications & Consequences
- When a woman feels needed after a lifetime of feeling helpless, the core need for acceptance is met through receiving.
- A failure to learn to receive keeps people in a cycle where control (associated with giving) is prioritized over connection.
## Verbatim Moments
- *"Loving means giving"*
- *"go to skid row and give to the homeless well fundraiser and give to your favorite charity go to your mother and give her a great birthday gift"*
- *"It was a look that didn't say Thank You Mia for teaching me but rather Thank You Mia for allowing me to teach you"*
- *"the gift of feeling needed the gift of feeling the joy of giving"*
- *"one we put up a defense against intimacy"*
- *"when we give we are in control but when we receive we let go of control completely"*
- *"if we weren't being accepted for who we are but rather our achievements"*
- *"we are preemptively defending ourselves from any sense of obligation"*
- *"i need your advice what do you think of this idea"*
- *"where we ask every single person to contribute a story or even just an idea or a thought"*