You Are Not Alone: Using Connections to Break Domestic Abuse Cycles | Chandra Moss | TEDxMSJC Studio
Domestic abuse is defined broadly as any power imbalance characterized by control, far exceeding just physical or sexual assault. The speaker provides extensive legal examples, citing California Family Code, and offers critical advice to friends and family on how to support victims effectively. The central message is that victims need connections, and support must focus on non-judgmental assistance, documentation, and connecting them to established legal and community resources.
## Speakers & Context
- Longtime family law attorney in Southern California.
- Addresses the assumption that victims must be "strong," debunking the idea that abuse is limited by societal status (e.g., raising three children, being a highly educated therapist).
## Theses & Positions
- Domestic abuse knows no societal bounds and is no discriminator of persons.
- Abuse goes far beyond physical or sexual assault; it encompasses psychological, financial, and coercive control.
- Domestic abuse is fundamentally about **power and control**, defined as a pattern of behavior that, in purpose or effect, unreasonably interferes with the victim’s free will and personal liberty.
- A victim surviving abuse needs connections and support from their network (neighbor, friend, colleague).
- Supporters must *not* judge the victim, refuse to criticize, or guilt them over choices, and must remember that *you cannot rescue them*.
## Concepts & Definitions
- **Domestic Abuse (Broad Definition):** Includes physical, sexual, and emotional abuse, extending beyond actual physical injury or assault.
- **Coercive Control:** A pattern of behavior that, in purpose or effect, unreasonably interferes with the victim’s free will and personal liberty.
- **Coercive Control Examples:**
* Isolating the party from friends, relatives, or other sources of support.
* Depriving a party of basic necessities.
* Compelling, controlling, regulating, or monitoring the other party's movements (e.g., putting a tracker on a car).
* Threats based on actual or suspected immigration status.
* Reproductive coercion (keeping control of pregnancy or birth control use).
- **Psychological Aggression:** Affecting a person in their lifetime through non-physical means.
## Mechanisms & Processes
- **Reporting Gap:** Only about **20%** of rapes and sexual assaults, **25%** of physical assaults, and **50%** of stalking incidents are ever reported to the police.
- **Legal Mechanism (California):** Abuse is noted under Family Code Section 6203 for not being limited to physical injury.
- **Documentation:** Evidence of abuse can be compiled by pictures of injuries or writing dates on a calendar.
- **Supportive Action:** Offering to accompany the victim to a service provider or legal office, and helping them identify support networks for physical needs (housing, food, healthcare, mobility).
## Timeline & Sequence
- **2010:** CDC National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey provided statistics used by the speaker.
- **When Abuse Occurs:** Abuse can happen in various contexts: cohabitant, former cohabitant, dating relationship, engagement relationship, or through blood relation within the second degree.
## Named Entities
- **California Family Code Section 6203:** Notes that abuse is not limited to the actual infliction of physical injury or assault.
- **California Family Code Section 6320:** Notes that domestic abuse includes disturbing the peace of the other party.
- **CDC National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey of 2010:** Source of abuse statistics.
## Numbers & Data
- **24 people per minute:** Average rate of victims of rape, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner in the United States.
- **Over 12 million women and men:** Total count impacted by abuse over a single year in the United States.
- **Nearly 3 in 10 women and 1 in 10 men:** Proportion in the United States who have experienced rape, physical violence, or stalking by a partner and reported related functional impact.
- **20% / 25% / 50%:** Reported rates for rapes/sexual assaults, physical assaults, and stalking incidents, respectively.
- **Almost half:** Percentage of people in the United States who have experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner in their lifetime.
- **Second degree:** Blood relation level (includes aunts, uncles, parents, nieces, nephews, and children).
## Examples & Cases
- **Non-physical abuse examples:** Keeping finances from the victim, holes punched in walls, objects thrown at them, property destroyed, gaslighting, or emotional abuse.
- **Electronic Abuse Examples:** Unauthorized access and dissemination, or threat of dissemination, of emails containing personal/confidential information; hacking into social media; rerouting emails.
- **Harassing Email Case:** One perpetrator sent between **3,000 and 4,000** harassing emails to a client, and between **100 and 200** emails to the speaker, which were degrading, demanding, or calling names, often ending with *"I love you. Let’s get back together."*
- **Control Directives Case (2020 Statute):** A judge noting a husband who provided pages of instructions and demands detailing how his wife had to behave, controlling everything from dishwashing arrangements to breakfast timing, preventing her from decision-making in her own home.
- **Court Focus:** Abuse is demonstrated when a pattern of behavior controls every aspect of the victim’s life, noted by the judge regarding the use of the words *"punishment"* and *"violation"* in spousal intimate relationships.
## Tools, Tech & Products
- **Telephones, online accounts, text messages, internet connected devices, or other electronic technologies:** Methods through which indirect abuse can occur.
- **Tracker:** Device potentially placed on a car to deny the victim privacy.
- **Online Forms and Guides:** Available via the state court website: *www.courts.ca.gov*.
## References Cited
- **Family Code Section 6203:** California law noting abuse isn't limited to physical injury.
- **Family Code Section 6320:** California law noting domestic abuse includes disturbing the peace of the other party.
- **National Domestic Violence Hotline:** Resource providing support suggestions.
- **www.cpdev.org:** Website resource for support groups in California.
- **www.psychologytoday.com:** Resource to find a therapist.
- **www.thehotline.org / 1-800-799-SAFE:** National Domestic Violence Hotline contact information.
## Counterarguments & Caveats
- The initial premise that the speaker might be exempt from abuse because of her status (highly educated, wealthy, parent) is immediately refuted by the premise that abuse has no societal bounds.
- The general public often fails to realize they are victims because there are no physical injuries.
## Conclusions & Recommendations
- Victims need support: Acknowledge the difficulty, do not judge, be a listening ear, and do not speak poorly of the abuser.
- Practical help includes guiding the victim to create a safety plan, identifying physical needs (housing, food, health care, mobility), and helping document evidence.
- Connection is key: Connect with the law (county self-help centers at Family Law Courthouse), connect with an organization (*www.cpdev.org*), and connect with professional help (therapist or Hotline).
## Verbatim Moments
- *"I’m too strong. I could never be a victim."* (The assumption debunked)
- *"Domestic abuse knows no societal bounds. Domestic abuse is no discriminator of persons."*
- *"24 people per minute are victims of rape, physical violence or stalking by an intimate partner in the United States."*
- *"California Family Code Section 6320 notes that domestic abuse includes disturbing the peace of the other party."*
- *"It could be coercive control, which is a pattern of behavior that, in purpose or effect, unreasonably interferes with the victim’s free will and personal liberty."*
- *"You don’t have to be in a marital relationship to be the victim of domestic abuse."*
- *"Remember that you cannot rescue them. The decisions about their lives are up to them to make."*
- *"Be that listening ear."*
- *"Your colleagues should be able to depend on you for support."*
- *"I know that you are not alone."*