Love others to love yourself: Keiichiro Hirano at TEDxKyoto
The speaker argues that true self-love is not about narcissistic self-admiration but is instead cultivated through the relational experience, defining "love" as the means by which we learn to appreciate our own authentic selves alongside another person. She explores this idea by noting that self-acceptance involves integrating all "selves"—good and bad—and realizing that the ability to be fully authentic is often revealed to a specific person. This dynamic shifts the understanding of love from a unilateral feeling to a collaborative, reciprocal process that provides emotional grounding for continuing life.
## Theses & Positions
- Loving oneself is an under-discussed value compared to loving others.
- True self-love is not achievable simply by being happy or avoiding pain.
- Self-love requires taking responsibility for oneself and looking after oneself, especially when facing negative external comments like being told, "I hate you."
- Self-acceptance involves integrating all aspects of the self, regardless of whether they are "good" or "bad," rather than being judgmental about one's character.
- Love, in the deepest sense, means, "with the help of the person we love, for us to be able to love ourselves."
- Being able to "reveal my inner self as I wish without any difficulties, being true to myself," only happens with specific people.
- Finding two or three "selves" that one loves can provide sufficient "foothold" to continue living.
## Concepts & Definitions
- **Self-love (as discussed):** The realization that one must take responsibility for oneself and care for oneself following emotional distress.
- **"Selves":** Different facets of one's personality that manifest in response to different people and situations (e.g., relaxed with grandmother vs. serious at work).
- **"Love" (redefined):** A reciprocal process where the connection with another person allows one to become comfortable being true to oneself.
## Mechanisms & Processes
- **Self-Acceptance Process:**
1. Honestly looking back at oneself, observing both "pretty good person" actions and hurtful actions.
2. Accepting all "selves" as inherent parts of the self, rather than judging them against an idealized version.
3. Recognizing that different "selves" are reflections of different people and situations.
- **Relational Validation Mechanism:** The depth of comfort and ease in communication with one specific person allows the speaker to recognize and appreciate a specific, positive "self," which is then linked to the value of life itself.
## Timeline & Sequence
- Sequence of self-realization: Initial feeling of being judged (good/bad actions) $\rightarrow$ Attempting to define self ("Which one is really me?") $\rightarrow$ Acceptance of all "selves" $\rightarrow$ Identifying specific relationships that validate one's inner self $\rightarrow$ Concluding that relationship validation is the core of self-love.
## Examples & Cases
- **The Difficulty of Self-Love:** The difficulty in loving oneself compared to loving others because one is intimately familiar with all one's flaws.
- **The Romance Analogy:** Comparing two potential partners; choosing the first girl not necessarily because she is loved more, but because "I enjoy my 'self' when I am with her," indicating a better emotional experience.
- **Grief Projection:** Wondering if the deep grief over a lost loved one is not the loss of the person, but the loss of the unique "self" that existed only when they were present ("Only with them could I talk freely like that.").
- **The Validation Effect:** Being told, "Thanks to you, I come to love myself," which strikes the heart more profoundly than a simple "I love you."
## Tools, Tech & Products
- None mentioned.
## Named Entities
- None mentioned.
## Numbers & Data
- Five or six "selves" found within oneself can be sufficient as a "foothold."
## Examples & Cases
- The anecdote comparing two dates, where the preference is given to the date where the speaker felt more comfortable and joking, concluding, "There's no doubt I like her, but rather because I like my 'self' when I am with her."
## Verbatim Moments
- *"I want to say it doesn't have to be like that, to love ourselves."*
- *"Going through the agony, we ultimately reach the realization that we have to love ourselves in the sense of taking responsibility for ourselves and looking after ourselves."*
- *"Can we love ourselves with knowing all those sides of us?"*
- *"I decided to accept all my 'selves' as parts of myself, and thought about why I had so many varied 'selves' in this one person."*
- *"I love my 'self' when I am with this person. I become somebody whom I even abhor when I am with that person. But I like my 'self' pretty well when I am with this particular person. I am not too bad."*
- *"Rather, to love means, with the help of the person we love, for us to be able to love ourselves."*
- *"Only with them could I talk freely like that. Only with them could I be honest with myself. Only with them could I be silly like that."*
- *"If I were told, 'Thanks to you, I come to love myself,' or 'I love myself when I'm with you more than when I am with anybody else,' that would be something which strikes my heart more."*