The End of the Road | Blaise Zerega | TEDxDanubia
## Speaker Context
- Speaker identity: Journalist (narrator of the story).
- Audience, setting, occasion of the talk: Not explicitly stated, but the talk recounts a story of death and life lessons.
- Any framing the speaker establishes for themselves up front: The speaker establishes that being "fully alive" is only achievable when one is aware of death; relates this to the importance of living well and dying well.
## People
- William McMahon: Famous writer/subject of the story; lived in Virginia 20 years ago; had cancer; was born in 1932 in New York City; was American/Irish English; had a brother one year younger; was a chain smoker (Winston, 100 man, two packs a day); fought in the Korean War; received three purple hearts and a bronze star; enlisted in the United States Marine Corps; was seen as "an angel of death" by the narrator; eventually committed suicide.
- William McKinley: The man the speaker first met; was tall and thin; had blue eyes; was a chain smoker; had Advanced throat cancer; was given one year to live; was the name the speaker initially had wrong.
- William's mother: American; could not cope with the London Blitz; refused to go into the shelter.
- William's brother: Survived the London Blitz; was sent to Ireland to live with his father's family.
- William's father: Irish English; was a Royal Air Force engineer sent to Singapore; returned to London for military service; was later in a PW Camp.
- American poets (Whitman and Robert Frost): Met William when he studied fine art painting at Oxford University.
- Girl: William fell in love with her at Oxford University.
- Gregory Corso: Exchanged poetry with William in San Francisco.
- Alan Ginsberg: Exchanged poetry with William in San Francisco.
- Lawrence Ferlinghetti: Painted with William in San Francisco.
- Jack Kowak: Met William in San Francisco.
- Hippies: Described as people who wore casual clothes, smoked pot, drank wine, sipped tea, and laughed/caroused.
## Organizations
- Hitler Youth: Organization William McMahon was a member of as a child.
- United States Marine Corps: Military branch William enlisted in and served in Korea.
- Royal Air Force: The branch William's father was a member of.
- Japanese: Enemy force in the Korean War; responsible for William's father's death.
- French Foreign Legion: Organization William joined and fought with in Tangier, Morocco, and Spain.
## Places
- Virginia: Location where the speaker first met William 20 years ago.
- New York City: William was born here; location where he first lived with his mother's family after the Blitz.
- Germany: William was born in Germany.
- America: William's family fled here before WWII.
- London: Location where William lived and where the London Blitz started.
- Singapore: Location William's father was sent to.
- Ireland: Location William's brother was sent to.
- Oxford University: Where William studied fine art painting.
- San Francisco: Location where William moved to and exchanged poetry.
- Tangier, Morocco: Where William fought with the French Foreign Legion.
- Korea: Where William fought in the Korean War.
- Bogotá, Columbia: Location where William's brother was executed.
## Tools, Tech & Products
- Audio tape: Medium used to capture William's early interviews.
- Questionnaires: Items the speaker wrote for William to answer.
- Winston (Cigarettes): Brand of cigarettes William smoked.
- Final Exit: A suicide guide/manual containing methods of suicide.
## Concepts & Definitions
- Being fully alive: Being aware of death.
- The London Blitz: Period of bombing in London.
- Pylon (technique): Chinese soldiers' tactic in trench warfare; involving accumulating bodies to overrun a line.
- Sense of Dark: Title of William's published masterpiece novel.
- Lethal dosage of Secol: The specific amount of sleeping pills William intended to take.
## Numbers & Data
- 20 years ago: Timeframe when the speaker first met William in Virginia.
- 1932: Year William was born.
- One year younger: The age difference between William and his brother.
- World War II: The major historical event involving William's family.
- 9 years old: William's age during the London Blitz.
- Three years: Duration William spent in the Korean War.
- 76: Number of enemy soldiers William killed with the samurai sword.
- Three: Number of Purple Hearts William received.
- One: The number of years William's doctor said he had to live after his cancer was diagnosed.
- Two weeks: Duration over which the speaker managed three interviews with William.
- 1960s: Decade when William met his brother again.
- 1980s: Decade when William published his second novel.
- 30 tablets: Initial amount of sleeping pills William planned to take.
- 40: Number of sleeping pills the Final Exit book recommended.
- 60: Total number of sleeping pills William possessed.
## Claims & Theses
- Living well and dying well: The importance taught by William's death.
- Being fully alive: Requires awareness of death.
- The speaker initially believed the story of William McMahon was "just going to be a great story for the newspaper."
- The speaker initially thought everything they knew about death and dying was false.
- William's mother could not cope during the London Blitz.
- The boys were sent away after the Blitz to protect them.
- William eventually ended up in a street gang and going to reform school/jail for kids.
- William's father died from the culmination of all the beatings and wounds and infection he received.
- The cancer was progressing rapidly, and he had few treatment options.
- William did not want to die in a hospital like his father; he wanted to die in the hotel room facing the end of the road head on.
- William was full of murderous rage and had a real desire for violence after his father's death.
- William felt alive for the first time when he was using his brain, his heart, and his creativity at Oxford.
- William was confused by the Death that he had seen and all the Death that he had caused.
- The book *A Sense of Dark* remains one of the top novels about the Korean War.
- William was exhausted from Death and from killing, not from life.
- The narrator argued against William's suicide, citing that "life is sacred" and it's against the law.
- The speaker was worried if William had the courage to kill himself before the speaker moved away.
- William felt that the dying bothered him, not dying.
- The narrator was neither happy nor sad when William killed himself.
- William needed someone to tell their story.
## Mechanisms & Processes
- Capturing an interview: Initial process involved speaking, which later transitioned to hand gestures, questionnaires, and finally pen and paper.
- Suicide attempt preparation: William had a checklist including the lethal dosage of sleeping pills, a glass of milk, a plastic bag, and a rubber band.
- Overdosing on sleeping pills: Process involved opening capsules one at a time, pouring the powder into chocolate milk, and drinking it.
## Timeline & Events
- 1932: William was born in New York City.
- Before World War II: William's family fled to America.
- During World War II: William's father was sent to Singapore and captured by the Japanese.
- 1940: The London Blitz started.
- During the London Blitz: William was 9 years old; his mother refused to enter the shelter.
- After the war ended: William's father was released from the PW Camp.
- Later period: William was visiting the speaker daily; the cancer was progressing.
- While at Oxford: William studied fine art painting.
- After Oxford: William joined the French Foreign Legion and fought in Tangier, Morocco, and Spain.
- In the 1960s: William met his brother again.
- Before the book's success: William got a steady job, got married, and got divorced.
- In 1980s: William published his second novel in the same year his brother was murdered.
- When William was dying in the hotel room: The conversation about suicide occurred; the planning for death was meticulously executed.
- That night: The speaker and William spent hours together, watching TV, hugging.
- The next morning: The speaker found William alive, who then explained he was afraid of dying, not death.
- The next morning (after the initial incident): The speaker left for San Francisco.
- The final event: William consumed the 60 capsules of sleeping pills mixed in chocolate milk.
- The next morning (following the overdose): The speaker drove cross-country from Virginia to California, and later called back to confirm the death.
## Examples & Cases
- The story of the news tip: A source told the speaker about William McMahon, who had cancer, in a hotel room.
- William's father's fate: He died from the culmination of beatings, wounds, and infection received in the war.
- William's childhood trauma: Witnessing his mother's "Twisted mangled corpse in the rubble" after refusing to enter a shelter.
- The Oxford experience: Feeling alive for the first time by using his brain, heart, and creativity.
- The fight in Korea: Using a samurai sword against Chinese soldiers' assaults, killing 76 enemy soldiers.
- The post-war artistic period: William painting beautiful canvases of domestic life while sailing around the South Seas.
- The meeting with hippies: Sharing moments of tea sipping, laughter, and carousing in San Francisco.
- The initial discovery of the death plot: William having a bottle of sleeping pills, a glass of milk, a plastic bag, a rubber band, a cremation policy, a suicide note, and a stack of dollar bills.
## Trade-offs & Alternatives
- Being a journalist vs. deeper curiosity: The speaker initially focused on the "great story" but developed a deeper curiosity about death.
- Where to die: William did not want to die in a hospital like his father; he wanted to die in the hotel room facing the end of the road head on.
- Initial suicide prevention: The speaker considered calling a doctor, a lawyer, or a suicide hotline.
- Final means of death: William chose to overdose on sleeping pills rather than another method.
## Counterarguments & Caveats
- The speaker initially thought William's potential situation was melodramatic ("big splash"), but this proved false.
- The speaker confesses that they initially only wanted the story for the newspaper, despite their curiosity.
- The speaker later realized their initial desire to talk him out of suicide was overcome by the gravity of the situation.
- William admitted he was not afraid of death but was afraid of dying.
## Methodology
- Reporting/Journalism: The initial method used by the speaker to gather the story.
- Artistic Expression: William's methods included painting, writing novels, and exchanging poetry.
## References Cited
- Mr Aubrey deg gray: Mentioned in relation to the relationship to death.
- Paul Goan: Mentioned as inspiration for William painting again.
- The New Yorker: Publication that called *A Sense of Dark* a novel of "almost intolerable intensity."
- The final book recommendation: *Final Exit* (a suicide guide).
## Conclusions & Recommendations
- The speaker asks the audience: "are you living your life fully what is your relationship to death?"
- The speaker asks the audience to promise to tell their story, echoing William's request: "will you promise to tell our story."
## Implications & Consequences
- If William had died: The speaker would have been left with the untold story, leading to the profound narrative revealed.
- If the speaker had not listened to his curiosity: The speaker would have missed the profound personal lesson about death.
- If the pills were not managed correctly: The final plan (using the plastic bag/rubber band) was a detailed precaution.
## Open Questions
- "What what what how bad can it get?" (Asked by William, regarding the process of dying).
## Verbatim Moments
- "you're only fully alive when you're aware of death"
- "what matters to me is my relationship to death"
- "everything I thought I knew about him was false and everything I thought that I knew about death and dying was also false"
- "I had wrong name William mackinley was his name"
- "my throat was swollen and would get even more swollen in the months ahead"
- "The London Blitz starts the lofw bombing months of bombing every night air raid sirens people panicked in the streets"
- "her last words had been tell Mr Hitler he can go to bloody hell"
- "I was full of murderous rage he had a real desire for violence"
- "he was not exhausted from Life he's exhausted from Death he's exhausted from killing"
- "my masterpiece it's called a sense of dark"
- "I want you to help me kill myself"
- "I have obtained a book called Final Exit it's a suicide guide"
- "it's about you you know don't feel sorry for me"
- "I saw the Stars I saw the planets I saw comets I saw so many comets that night"
- "I'd like to ask you the questions I had asked at the very beginning of myself when I first met him"
- "will you promise to tell our story"