Death is Not a Dirty Word | Sara Chambers | TEDxBGSU
URL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1cUvaxvip9g Video ID: 1cUvaxvip9g ============================================================ [Applause] we all love a well-placed dirty word quick story that will illustrate a lot about me as a person and an opinion on one of the appropriate uses of the dirtiest of all dirty words you know the one I'm talking about sometime ago my husband Rob and I were in our garage and he was repeatedly telling me to be careful to which I replied honey from now on let's just pretend that I'm not trying to hurt myself stop telling me to be careful I turned around and I immediately tripped over a bucket sending it flying and me scrambling on my feet in a frenzy that's when I said it I took a moment of silence and I looked at him and said don't say anything he joked well at least it wasn't the bucket now we all know what he meant because kicked the bucket is a phrase that we're all comfortable using to avoid saying died Society likes to avoid the literal words death dying and died much like some of us avoid using curse words but we give words power and the way in which we speak about something carries weight not only for ourselves but for the people that we love after reflecting on my 15 years as a nurse the last eight of them in Hospice Care I've realized that it's not that people refuse to talk about death and grief it's that a lot of people just don't know how and you know what I want everyone to know that it's not their fault because our society has had this cloak of silence and sadness we have a lack of Direction on how to approach death and grief to the point that we are largely uncomfortable with our own mortality this in turn creates a culture that treats talking about death and grief as if it's dirty think about this with me for a second people will openly discuss and debate things like a abortion the death penalty legalizing medical Aid and dying they're comfortable with the language and in some cases have even been taught to be well-versed on their side of the debate because it's an acceptable topic we are content to make decisions for others death but when it comes to our own mortality we get a little squeamish in a lot of cases we aren't taught a whole lot about death it's like the topic itself is culturally inappropriate morbid or taboo we use euphemisms to soften the blow of those dreaded dword passed away went to heaven but on the flip side of that phrases like I almost died of embarrassment or this is to die for are pretty common so let's explore that further my very first source of inspiration to talk about death and grief and I mean the most obvious one is standup comedy I'm dead serious it's called dark humor right some people are so comfortable Cavaliers even with the language of death and grief that's one end of the spectrum standup comedians and death Professionals for the rest of us there's uh certainly more documentaries books movies Games songs podcasts episodes even entire series and yes standup comedians and Ted X talks that feature death and grief than ever before these are some great starting points to utilize the authors of some of those I could almost guarantee are coping through this Creations I could also tell you a couple stories for my years as a nurse one that involved adult siblings physically fighting in a hospital waiting room those stories are effective but instead I wanted to tap into my personal experience losing a member of my household this is the first time I've publicly described Kenny in that way a member of my household but that's what he was up up until last fall I struggled with finding those words I couldn't just say that he was my cousin not everyone grows up with cousins like I did as closely as we were Kenny was more like another brother to me than a cousin I couldn't say he was one of my best friends because it just didn't feel like enough and roommate felt like it was on the right track but still seemed like a demotion somehow so as this last anniversary of Kenny's death came and went I found myself explaining to rob that after 11 years I can still be surprised surprised by grief there was a naive expectation that the waves of grief would stop someday but of course I'm realizing that they never will that's when he said Kenny was a member of your household after he died he was still everywhere for you for a long time and it hit me he was right I hate to admit that especially in public but my husband was right I couldn't be in the bathroom of my own home without being reminded of what was lost one of the most difficult tasks I did was throw away Kenny's toothbrush there was no Escape no break from the knowledge that he was gone and the feelings that crushed me at 25 years old Kenny died one week after a car accident that occurred on the night of his brother's wedding he was and always will be our family's best man at the time of Kenny's death I was working as an ICU nurse I had witnessed countless last breaths and last beats and while those were certainly heart-wrenching they weren't my people at 28 years old someone that important to me a member of my household died and I had absolutely no idea how to cope let alone talk about it I'm not under the delusion that conversations will make traumatic moments like that softer or that we can completely avoid accidents period it's the world we live in but what I am saying is that we can learn to better talk about death and grief and in turn normalize talking about an already normal phenomenon on we can feel more confident in how to respond and support someone who's deeply grieving because we have more context I'm here to encourage you and everyone else out there in classrooms and Community groups to start to treat their own mortality as a subject worth exploring instead of one to be censored death is the condition of life and it's the one thing that every single one of us has in common grief is a normal experience and might I add not explicitly human it can be incredibly complicated the only way to make it less awkward and weaken the entirely negative connotation of death and grief is to try to talk about it be brave enough to start engage in a conversation with someone somewhere that you feel comfortable with I'm aware that death as a subject of conversation is not a natural conversation starter believe me I have tried but I'm also speaking from lived experience personally and professionally that when is a subject of conversation gets ignored put off or just continuously slips through the cracks of life it will eventually catch you off guard I was and still am shaken by the loss of Kenny at this point I've had over 11 years of getting used to that grief just kind of hanging around now I think of it like that unwanted guest that won't stop talking and just leave like we've we've gone past that stereotypical but realistic Midwestern goodbye in the beginning I could barely push that guest aside long enough to function everything was overshadowed by Kenny not being there I was angry I was more fatigued than I had ever been I took some time off work because I didn't feel like I could do my job safely and I almost gave up my career as a nurse entirely shout out to ter Sherry Thompson and DEA sver for helping me along the way in that Journey this added some Financial worry we don't think about that side of grief often the Practical side those tasks that are so difficult but need done like that damn toothbrush I struggled to toss out Rob did everything he could to to support me of course but he hadn't known Kenny that long my family were all dealing with grief in their own ways and I didn't want to burden them further I started to feel ashamed like I was grieving wrong or it was taking me too long to function again fully I was given information that a local hospice had free bereavement support I had one-on-one counseling for a few weeks and it was tremendously helpful a trained professional shout out to Mo who I had never met and wasn't a part of the circumstances surrounding this trategy in my life allowed me to ugly cry and word vomit and just fall apart in front of her she made it safe and validated that what was happening to me physically psychologically spiritually and practically was all normal because it was she also didn't cuddle me she gave me positive outlets and ideas for my emotions grief is so personal so individualized and it does not have space to be judged having access to that type of support may have saved my life and I now very passionately work for that hospice once I was seeking help processing my grief I was able to start functioning again in the world that's when I realized I was a part of this club that I never asked to join and had the worst membership requirements as people started to learn more about Kenny's death I was surprised by the number of people who had experienced deep grief as I had even people I had known it's like they only talked about it with me once it happened to me I wish I had known more because knowledge is power and a dash of control like I've said death and grief are deeply personal psychological emotional topics but they can be religious spiritual ethical and even medical topics and they can really be difficult to initiate I'd also like to point out that they're cross-cultural talking about these things related to our own mortality and that of our loved ones is a really unique conversation we can talk about death and grief in a range of environments and I've had some enlightening chats about life in all of them among very few close friends in large groups of strangers it can be a casual spontaneous setting or have a more formal planned setup like using a game or attending a death cafe seriously those are things there's been over 200 death cafes held to date in this country Thea the idea is to get together over a meal and discuss topics related to death and grief in a safe space free of judgment and expectations a facilitator uses conversation prompts to initiate and guide conversation amongst the group I'm currently doing something just like that utilizing a card game in a group setting I've had groups as small as four and I've had groups as large as 35 at places like senior centers community centers YMCAs libraries the feedback thus far has been glowingly positive I've had individuals of all ages backgrounds and life experiences in these groups some are very chatty some don't say a word but approach me afterwards and express their appreciation for the opportunity to listen some share deeply personal things that they say they've never shared before some cry most of them laugh but in the end almost all of them say they want to continue this conversation Rob asks me what we talk about and my answer is life death and pizza we talk about is it appropriate to take photos at funerals what constitutes a miracle how do you fill out a living will do people really have deathbed Visions or what's your best celebrity encounter and those no those two are not related uh we talk about mediums and grief and vacation spots and so much more I can tell you a few specific benefits of exploring your own mortality one big change that I noticed was I'm what you call a Sentimental horse order if my kid half ass painted it and gave it to me with the impression that it was a masterpiece I'm keeping it and then I have a really hard time throwing it away I have paired down boxes of greeting cards and school papers and postcards do people do that anymore I I love them but anything that was handwritten now I notice that I look at these things and I really consider does this mean anything to anyone other than me what am I going to do with it when my kids are older will they even know what this object Masterpiece is or who that postcard is from so I really reflect on if something is worth saving or storing I try to hold my kids longer and I truly sweat the small stuff less I think I've learned to really value the present moment as well which by the way this one's pretty awesome what I've noticed is that contemplating my own mortality and the mortality of those that I love is a protective measure to because of what I went through being absolutely clueless and because of the countless other stories I hear of people who could have really benefited from a proactive conversation before Kenny died I never imagined it as a possibility but of course it was death knows no bias but through all of this I've started to view death and grief through more of a lens of hope I hope that I can help others by focusing on opportunities to explain and explore how facing their mortality can be an uplifting and positive experience there are many other death professionals out there like me encouraging facilitating and having quality conversations and getting people familiar with the language of death and grief we're out there one day I will we all will die why not ask meaningful questions and search for Meaningful answers to gain some clarity and maybe even some potential peace I challenge everyone to start taking back the power reversing the stigma of these topics start or join a conversation in a way that is comfortable for you use this talk as a prompt to talk to one two or 12 people or use one of those other sources I've mentioned before ask people their experiences if any with grief and death in turn we can better support each other in times of inevitable hardship and maybe even start to frame death and grief in a way that isn't predominantly macabra rip that cloak of Silence off because conversations about death and grief are at their core chats about life and those can be so fun and interesting and enlightening and even productive I promise you talking about it will not jinx you if it did I would have already kicked that one bucket that we all know my husband was referring to thank [Applause] you