Dating Is Dead | Kevin Carr | TEDxWilmingtonSalon
so here's the bad news dating is dead in fact many of the practices that we've grown accustomed to the ones that we've read about and watched on TV often fantasized about they don't exist anymore so what does that mean for what is now America's largest generation Millennials what does that mean for love what are my chances of finding love what does that mean for sex I mean listen dating is one that sex is still alive right and if dating is dead then who's the blame apparently me and not to point the finger many of you in the audience the Millennials they call us the hookup generation if you Google the words Millennials and dating together you'll come up with all type of headlines the end of courtship the Millennials and their dating woes tender and the dawn of the dating apocalypse they really thought about that one now content like this isn't without Merit but it also isn't an accurate reflection of the whole picture it's more like alternative facts now unless you've been living off of the grid for say the past decade or so you do understand that yes sex is more accessible than it's ever been and even with that being the case according to Pew research we're actually having less sex than any generation since our grandparents so Grandma I wasn't that fast after all they say that Rel relationships have lost value amongst Our Generation and that we no longer want commitment but eight out of 10 Millennials still say True Romance is important so now that we've balanced the conversation a little bit what does the dating process look like for you and I today and going forward all of us here we're in a unique position in that we've been able to live through Transitions and Evolutions as they've happened real time we've gone from cassette tapes to CDs from CDs to streaming not only music but television my phone is essentially a computer that fits in my pocket and it fors me access to what seems like infinite information and if I'm being honest it's that Dynamic that's spoiled me the need for instant results if my Uber takes longer than 5 minutes I'm upset and I've seen that influence other areas of my life including the way I date even down to the small things I can't tell you how annoying it is to hear this thing actually ring every time somebody calls me it's like hello are you dying hang up and text me and I know I'm not the only one and so that gives gives us another Dynamic to deal with so how do we build relationships collectively we at an interesting place we're basically in the Twilight Zone of romance it's called the Great area we meet people whether it's at a lounge or through sending a DM or on a website we hang out whatever that means sometimes sex is involved and now we begin these relationships that we don't call relationships because we don't want to be in relationships but they feel like relationships because we do relationship things and now we are attached but at the same time fight and and stay unattached it's confusing and now we're engulfed in these situations or would are now called Situation ships none of that is dating in fact nobody really knows what dating looks like at this point so I decided I'm going to do a little research to find out what exactly people consider to be a formal date these days found a few definitions the first I found in the answer section of Yahoo so it has to be true a casual date is when you wear regular clothes and a formal date but that's when you dress nicely makes sense then there was the answer I found on Yelp who knew Yelp gave dating advice a user posted a real date begins by going over to a young lady's house and talking to her parents about your intentions then getting a DNA swap so no one knows what a formal date is and you know that's funny but it's also proof that our dating habits have to evolve because life has evolved in Generations past potential couples would meet at the skating ring or at the school dance not too long ago when going on a date it was expected of me to drive to a young lady's house and meet her at her front door today a date could be a 30 minute conversation at Starbucks or it could take place via Skype the internet age has redefined the way we meet and the way we communicate with people that does present us with a new set of challenges but it's not the internet's fault it's not tinder's fault poor Tinder takes the blame for everything the fact is the social rules for dating have always changed from one generation to the next today we have countless tools at our disposal that make many different aspects of life more efficient why should dating be exempt from that a more americ single and waiting longer for commitment yeah yes my generation included only 26% of adult Millennials are married but it is also true that technology has made the world smaller which makes our chances of meeting likeminded people greater than they've been in the past the key for us as we move forward is to remember that the tools that are at our disposal Facebook Twitter Instagram Snapchat Tinder Bumble match just the name a few they're just tools they do help us to reach and connect to people but the job of creating meaningful and clearly defined relationships that job is still ours unfortunately there isn't a standardized road map on how to find love as much as I wish it was there isn't an at For It Dating is no longer just an event or series of events dating in today's world is a dual process the first part involves us finding someone that deserves our exclusive attention which requires that we be intentional and almost tedious in our attachments that we grow to be self-aware enough that we know who we are at our core which will help us to identify the best potential partner that we stay active and engag and don't lose the art of Being social which means we have to multitask and remember life shall also be lived offline the latter part of the dating process involves building a life with one person which means we have to make a choice even when it seems like we can swipe left or right for as long as we want because there's unlimited options at our fingertips last year the number of social media users worldwide reached almost two billion people talk about options two billion people each of us right now could pull up our respective social media feeds and we'd see many people project and almost disdain for commitment we could just scroll our timeline and we we' see all type of posts chase money not Love No New Friends I'm a Savage people were really excited about being alone we could just observe current pop culture Trends or listen to the most popular songs right now and yes entertaining we might even dance but we see much of the same attitude being reflected and even in the midst of all the noise we still can't escape how we are wired as humans which is for companionship I'll tell you a secret we can't run from from it I don't know why I just whispered that but it is true Harvard University did a study that fits this conversation perfectly it took them over 75 years to complete but they discovered the number one correlation to long life meaningful connections you know this hit home for me about two years ago I was sitting in a University of Pennsylvania hospital room and I watched a doctor tell my dad that his fight with cancer was ending basically giving him a week to live you know he had this look on his face that even today I can't quite articulate it but it was such an anxiousness in the air it wasn't until maybe a day or so later during one of my last conversations with him that I realized or at least got a sense of some of what he was experiencing you know in those moments he wasn't worried about all of the things that I thought made life important he wasn't even worried about life itself you know all he cared about were two things the people he loves and the people who loved him so let me leave you with this as a term dating is more fluid than it's been in the past looks different feels different but as a process is stable and though we might experience some hiccups along the way we may go about it in some ways that seem unconventional at first if we would employ it and engage in it we could put ourselves in position to create relationships that have the capacity to increase our quality of life and that's what dating is supposed to be about because that's what life is about and so to answer the question is dating dead only if we allow it to die thank [Music] [Applause] you