Sex is Tricky, Consent is Not | Alexandra Ford | TEDxSurrey
URL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BK9BbwvjEtM Video ID: BK9BbwvjEtM ============================================================ Transcriber: Khaled Radwan Reviewer: Trang Phạm I discovered my love for advocacy at just 11 years old. At that age, most kids are trying to find their thing, and all I had discovered was my thing was definitely not fitting in. An opinionated bookworm with hairy arms, bold glasses and a huge unibrow. I was too nerdy for the cool kids and way too loudmouthed for the nerdy kids. Then my teacher, Mademoiselle Ruddock, read my class an article about child labour and exploitation. And oddly enough, I found my thing. Advocacy. Instead of hanging at the mall or attending my first school dance, I was collecting signatures for a petition asking our government to strengthen laws against child labor. I was finally putting those attention grabbing looks and that loud mouth to good use. Fast forward to 20 years old, and I was high on methamphetamine and on stage at a strip club. Having been put up there by a boyfriend who was so violent that when I finally did escape, I barely escaped with my life. I spent the next ten years clawing my way back to my nerdy roots. I earned several post-secondary achievements, all at the intersection of crime, helping people and human rights. I even endured a criminal trial against that boyfriend when he found me. However, I was weighed down by the shame and self-blame for allowing that child advocate to become a meth addict in the sex industry. Though I understood what happened to me to be partially domestic violence. For the most part, I thought of it as my own fault. Why? Because I never truly understood consent. Everything I told myself about my life changed the day I met Terry Markham. Living in Wyoming, married, pregnant with my first child and in my 30s. I still carried a lot of that shame until Terry gently introduced the idea that instead of everything being my fault, perhaps I should consider a different scenario. One so different, in fact, it had a name. Trafficking. This new word, took the details of my life and considered them through the lens of consent. No longer was I someone whose bad life choices had led her into prostitution. I was a victim who had been coerced into making choices I otherwise wouldn't have. Mind blown guys. And 20 years after that awkward child anti-exploitation advocate had been created, a slightly less awkward international anti-exploitation advocate was created. Now with two eyebrows. Consent is a vital and a misunderstood subject. We think we’ve all got a pretty good handle on it. No means no, right? The thing is, that’s only half the equation. And it’s only once we incorporate that only an enthusiastic “yes” is a yes can we reach the vital and necessarily universal conclusion that sexual consent is a basic human right. Interestingly, even though “no means no” is the basic concept we supposedly all understand, we’re teaching half the population shockingly different information about what that means. Then we’re teaching the other half. I was over at a friend’s house one day and their teenage son came home looking, well, rather deflated. We asked him what was wrong, and he said that he had asked out the girl he liked and she had said no. Dad heads over to console him, says, “Well, son, it’s not the end. You know what you need to do now, right?” The son says, “I know, I know. Try again.” I couldn't help but interject. “Guys, no, I don’t mean to barge in on this genuinely sweet father-son moment, but stop.” “You asked a question, you got an answer. Accept that answer and move on.” The look on both their faces rivaled that of my friends when they saw my first attempt to separate my conjoined eyebrows. Complete confusion. This stuck with me. Just as important as teaching how to give or not give consent is teaching how to receive consent or not, as the case may be. You can go ahead and throw out everything you've learned from rom coms. It’s time to end the narrative that “no” is just the beginning of negotiations. “No” is a complete sentence. It’s not playing hard to get. I promise you, the best relationships are started when both parties employ their listening ears from the very beginning. Moving on to only an enthusiastic “yes” is a yes. Because really, now that we understand we're not tricking people or convincing them to like us, it’s pretty fair to set the bar at expecting that, given the opportunity, they enthusiastically want to be intimate with us. But still, we’re teaching half the population that their only job is to be the gas pedal and go full steam ahead. The other half of the population that they’re the brake and their job is to control the speed. Why not add a little finesse to the conversation? After all, you can slow down a car just by easing up on the gas a little instead of slamming on the brakes. Shifting the overall experience so both partners feel in control of the speed, well, that’s teamwork that rivals a NASCAR pit crew. Speaking of teamwork, cementing the idea that sexual consent is a basic human right is a team effort. Now, it took me about 20 years to figure this next thing out. So listen up, because I'm about to save you two decades. Everyone is equally deserving of sexual consent. I want to repeat that. Everyone, no matter who they are, where they came from, or what they do for work is equally deserving of sexual consent and the right to say no. Though I had been a precocious child advocate, at 11 years old, my life was derailed a few short years later. When my best friend’s uncle began sexually assaulting me. I didn’t tell anyone. I thought it was my fault. He told me I had encouraged him and it was too late now to say no. I believed him. So then at 20, when my boyfriend put me up on that stage and he told me I didn’t have the right to say no, his words echoed that of my friend’s uncle and I believed him. I believed them both. Everyone who has been assaulted is someone. Everyone who has sold sex is someone. We are all someone. We all have dreams. A subject we hated in school, a sport we loved. We are the children of someone. The friend of someone. Sometimes a parent to little someones. It took me a long time to figure this out, but despite being told otherwise, I was always deserving of sexual consent and the right to say no. Both as a child advocate with my friend’s uncle and equally as a meth addict, being put on stage and prostituted by my boyfriend. I stand here on an entirely different stage now. And no longer an addict. Except for maybe coffee, because I’m a mom to two beautiful young children. I clawed my way back to my love for advocacy. But the detour through being a victim of sexual assault and sex trafficking, it’s not something I would wish for anyone. That is why I will relentlessly advocate for conversations about consent to happen early and happen often. By ensuring we’re having these necessary conversations, we can ensure that we have a universal understanding of consent. Everyone will know both how to give and how to receive consent. Everyone will know that “no means no” is only half the equation. And only an enthusiastic “yes” is a yes. And everyone will understand that sexual consent is a basic human right. Thank you. (Applause)