How envy can be your greatest teacher | Shanel Sania | TEDxSISJ Youth
URL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JxkGVLOXV9I Video ID: JxkGVLOXV9I ============================================================ Have you ever scrolled through Instagram, seen someone's beach day reel, and thought, "How is it always so sunny in their life?" Meanwhile, you're lying in bed wearing a hoodie that probably hasn't seen daylight in 3 days, eating cereal out of a mug. We've all been there. Well, most of us. You're happy for them in theory, but also, how do they have the time to go snorkeling on a Tuesday? Do they not have homework, midterms, I don't know, maybe an existential crisis to tend to? And that's when it hits you. That quiet, slightly annoying voice in your head that goes, "I wish my life looked like that." And now you're spiraling, comparing, wondering why their life looks like a Pinterest board while yours more like a to-do list. That feeling, that's envy. Congratulations. You're human. Here's the thing. We're all biologically wired to compare. Our brains are constantly scanning our surroundings and trying to evaluate our status. From the earliest days of human evolution, comparison was a survival skill, an ancient survival instinct. He has a bigger spear meant maybe I should step up my hunting game. In our modern times, he got into that college or she got a better grade triggers this same internal alarm. We're constantly measuring ourselves against others as though life were some sort of elaborate leaderboard. Now, instead of spear sizes in the wild, we've got social media, our modern comparison buffet. One swipe and you're comparing your behind the scenes to everyone else's highlight reel. And it's not just in your head. According to a 2025 study conducted by the Pew Research Center, over 48% of teens say that social media makes them feel worse about themselves when they see others post about accomplishments or curated happiness. Comparison is no longer a once-in- ah thing. It's daily, maybe even hourly, thanks to those awesome algorithms that prioritize perfection. Carl Rogers, a pioneer of humanistic psychology, said that every person has a real self and an ideal self. The bigger the gap between the two, the more emotional distress we tend to feel. And social media, it doesn't just widen the gap. It builds a mansion in between and invites envy to move in rentree. We don't envy others just because they're better. We envy them when they reflect the version of ourselves we secretly wish we were. So we must ask ourselves why do I envy that person specifically? Why them and not someone else? And that, my dear audience, is where the magic lies. We've been taught to treat envy like it's a moral flaw, a toxic, shameful emotion, something you hide, like a bad grade on a group project, or maybe that one embarrassing cousin at family gatherings. You know they exist, but you just rather not acknowledge that existence of theirs. But here's a shift in perspective. What if I told you that envy is actually information? What if it's a blinking neon sign that reads, "This is what you secretly want." When we envy others success, it doesn't mean we hate them. It means we see something in their life that resonates with our own unrealized dreams. So, here's a practical tool for the next time Envy hits. Do a quick mental debrief. Ask yourself, who do I envy? Why do I envy them? And what does their life reflect that I secretly desire? That's the power of perspective. According to Harvard psychologist Dr. Susan David, emotions like envy are data, not directives. They don't tell us who we are, but rather give us clues about where we want to go. But here's something a bit worrisome. Sometimes envy isn't even about what we want. It's about what we think we should want. Ever heard of the Pyon effect? Well, since we're dabbling in a bit of everything today, let's go into a bit of mythology as well. The name stems from a Greek myth. Pyon was a sculptor who carved a statue so beautiful he fell in love with it and as a result, it magically came to life. Legends aside, the pig million effect means the higher the expectations others place on you, the more likely you are to meet them. Which sounds great really until you realize that you're the statue and everybody else is the sculpture. Your parents, your teachers, society, Instagram, your grandma, that one aunt you only text on her wedding anniversary and birthday. You start living lives designed by someone else's shoulds, chasing dreams you didn't even choose. Enter Karen Horny. She was a neudian psychologist who said that we often build our lives not from passion but from fear. Her theory of basic anxiety explains how we develop neurotic needs in order to avoid rejection or feel loved. So we overachieve, we people please, we perform and we generally attempt to become an accomplishment doormat just to feel secure. But sometimes we need to take a step back and evaluate. Is this leading me towards something real or is this just me becoming the statue someone else is busy carving? Because more often than not, envy isn't about someone else's life being better. It's either about yours being underexplored or manipulated. We often treat envy like a virus to be cured, but maybe it's more like a symptom. A symptom of something unfulfilled within us. And like any symptom, it does not go away when ignored. It goes away when understood. Envy is just honesty wearing an uncomfortable outfit. And after all I've said, consider what if the version of you that feels less than isn't broken, just awake. So the next time you feel jealousy rising, don't doom scroll it away. Don't shame yourself and certainly don't shove it down with humility you know is fake. Pause, listen, and reflect. Because hidden inside that discomfort might be the most honest conversation you will ever have with yourself. And who knows, maybe the thing you envy today might become the life you are brave enough to compete for yourself tomorrow. Because if envy is the invitation and success is the party, then awareness is just how you are as VP.