Empathy: Lynchpin in Crisis Negotiations and Business | Charles Doolittle, Jr. | TEDxWilmingtonSalon
URL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-X5CojqVm0 Video ID: N-X5CojqVm0 ============================================================ Transcriber: francesco persico Reviewer: Walaa Mohammed How many of you here are dog lovers? Cat lovers? I'm just joking. Just joking. Here's man's best friend. And the lady said. Yeah. Happens every time. He died. Passed away in 2008 from an unknown type of disease. But I would like for you to imagine for a second if someone killed your dog. Chip Hughes, former commander of Kansas City Metro, Swat. His team during a search warrant execution, killed an aggressive dog. Like many of us in this room. Dog lovers. The team goes back to the station to change out of their work attire into their civilian clothing. When one of the operators has an epiphany slash revelation. He said: “We’re all dog lovers.” “What if that was our dog?” “How would we feel?” That was the first of two mind shifting revelations for myself, paradigms for myself, that impacted me in a profound way as a hostage negotiator and a conflict coach. You see, my career was vast. I was a gang investigator. I was a hostage negotiator as a critic. I mean, excuse me, a conflict coach. And those were my specializations. But it wasn’t the one thing that changed me was hearing the story. Of that particular scenario. And then a man by the name of Eric Maddox. But those of you who don't know Eric Maddox. Was a member of the Defense Intelligence Agency. He was then assigned to be a part of the US military stationed in Iraq. Eric, he was absolutely positively instrumental in the capture of Saddam Hussein. Thus my title Saddam a dog and empathy. Empathy is the linchpin in crisis negotiation. I want you to imagine this night When the capture of Saddam Hussein takes place. When I heard Eric’s story, I knew that was the linchpin. It was the second of the two. That I, that changed me as a person. My, uh, my communication improved, my information acquisition improved. Everything changed about the way I conducted myself as a hostage negotiator and a conflict coach. The author Chip Conley said. Empathy. Is the key that unlocks understanding. And connection. Now here's your scenario. He's barricaded himself. With a mother and her six year old son. Swat tactical. Whichever title you want to use, they're on scene. They're waiting to make entry. But they can’t. Because they can’t see the child and they do not have a good visual on the suspect. It is at this point, someone like myself, my team or teams like ours. We get the call. Understand hostage negotiating, crisis negotiation. That is a team of people. It's not one individual, it's a team of people. And although I might be the primary, the person on the phone talking to the other person. It is a team of us. Everything that has happened to me prior to my arrival to this scenario, it is nowhere in my mind. It is nowhere in our operations center. We are focused because you see our primary responsibility. It is to the victims. If he comes out, that's a bonus. We we are trying to bring about a peaceful resolution. Now, I am so locked in to this scenario, by the way. The scenario that I just gave you is hypothetical only. Walk with me toward the day when I’m introduced to a lady who had no idea I would meet. And as a gang investigator, we have a variety of things that happen to us. This was a this is one of those days. My shift has ended. I'm on my way home. When I'm stopped by a woman I don't know. Always concerning as a police officer. She wants to talk to me. She shares with me this story that I'm about to share with you. She said: “can I talk to you?” I said: “okay.” She said: “my daughter is dating a gang member.” And like any mother of concern or parent of concern, she’s concerned for the well-being of her daughter. She said: “Would you talk to her?” I agreed that when I could, I would. And over about a year and a half span. I would talk to that daughter when I could. Now, let me throw another curve in here at you. The boyfriend. Yes, he's a gang member. But here's what is odd and unique. He is the rival gang of his father’s gang. This has the potential to be a problem. It would be much like. Pittsburgh Steelers Baltimore Ravens. Or, Dallas Cowboys versus everybody else. Just joking again. But this young man joined the gang purposefully because his his father was in prison at the time of this conversation and this this story. He joined his father's rival. I want to fast forward to another year. Year and a half. I'm on my way to lunch. The restaurant door opens and it's a young lady whom I don't recognize. Do you remember me? No. Sure. Don't. Sorry. And again, when these kind of scenarios happen, it's always concerning for me. I don't remember him. Sorry. She remembered my name. ET cetera. ET cetera. She said, I'm so and so. There is no way I was believing that was her because of the transformation that I was looking at. She was absolutely striking. You see, when I first met her, she looked like a female Hispanic gang member. When her ethnicity is she's Caucasian. But I was. I was astonished at what happened in that. In that brief moment in time, she shared with me that she's back on the honor roll. She's going to graduate. She was planning to become a probation officer. I'm like, wow. You see, when I met the mother, I became to the mother what Josephine Billings said. To the world. You may be one person. But to one person. You may be the world. And in that brief conversation that I had with that mother. 45 minutes approximately. I became what Josephine Billings described. I became the world to her and helped her daughter. See, I believe empathy can be summed up in a four letter acronym FALS one L. Focus, Active listening and sincerity. I ask you to apply FALS in your business. Your interpersonal or any other interactions. And watch your empathy skills improve. Thank you for your time.