The Gifts of Micro-deaths | Neelam Tewar | TEDxCityUHongKong
URL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NhhjGj-2o1k Video ID: NhhjGj-2o1k ============================================================ I'm dying my condition has a hundred percent mortality rate 100 percent zero survivors it will take everyone who is inflicted by it with it don't Google that I'll tell you what it is because I'm very transparent like that my condition is called being human you all heard of this one being human us humans are very interesting creatures we're able to stand here for a minute but be able to project into the future with the power of our mind in fact we can even affect the future just by the power of our thought yet on a day-to-day basis we're able to somehow forget that we're all eventually gonna die and when we talk about death how do we talk about this I had a mate call me about two and a half weeks ago and she's like Neelam you have to go watch this movie it is so hilarious I literally died in my seat and I'm thinking dramatically definitely incorrect let's be honest factually absolutely incorrect you cannot be larly dead I'd be talking to me either I'm talking to your ghost or I'm talking to a hologram both creepy situations by the way but this cannot be accurate we talked about it in a very whimsical sense the other one I've heard propagate the interwebs is you only live once hashtag Yolo ya defaulters in the room raise your hand now is a good time all right good there's one please he's admitting it see I believe you factually probably live only once on paper possibly birth certificate and all that but you can live multitude of lifetime's within one life you can powerpack this life and the we have found in my case at least is by dying a little I call these debts micro debts they sound cute because I don't want to make them sound more dramatic but when you're in a micro debt type of situation it is the least fun thing on the planet you literally want to run away from it I've encountered three types of micro debts so far in my life the first type of micro debt is an existential type of Micro death in this situation everything you believe in everything you were taught comes into question you're completely thrown off your game it's almost like the matrix scene where Morpheus is sitting across from neo and asking me to pick between the blue and the red pill you all know what I'm talking about exactly red pill means you see the truth you can't back off from the truth that's an existential death for me my existential death showed up when I started my first job I came from a small town in Africa and of course I couldn't do things like low-key right I had to go to the biggest badass city in the world and I see yeah that's not like vanilla that I just went straight for the jugular and in New York City I experienced not only you know existential death but also a spiritual death emotional death cultural death I don't know where I belong and I'm this like brown kid raised in Africa and I'm going to New York I don't even sound like anything anyone's familiar with but what brought about my real existential death was being in a work environment that I did not connect with I had absolutely no idea what my time was contributing toward who on earth am i impacting by working in pharmaceutical advertising where is my time going and that spiraled the next few deaths the one biggest thing in existential that can give you is one question Who am I and you will not be able to answer it overnight it takes some time it takes some courage it takes some presence then came about the second type of micro death called the death of the mind when you're in a cyclical pattern where you're trying to figure things out and you don't know where to turn and you're asking those bigger questions that you can't just open a book for and say all right page number 45 section 2 that's the answer to this question Who am I it flips you over a little bit right because otherwise you're watching everybody else go along their lives do their thing they don't care they're not thinking about these things and you're thinking dude I think I'm the weird one right when the mind gets numb and the mind gets fractured our ability to take the most simplest and most basic decisions get affected and that means that sometimes we cannot even choose between right and wrong and it's it scary because we make decisions that would self self sabotage us for me during this time as I was grappling with these questions and figuring out who am i what am I doing here an unexpected visitor showed up in my life - I like to call him hashtag frenemy yeah he'd show up when I was happy sad whatever he didn't care about what I was going through or what I was thinking about and his name is depression for anyone by the way who is grappling with this condition please know I'm standing here in front of you as proof that it is okay you will be okay and don't let anyone marginalize your emotion or your story so this guy would show up and he wouldn't show up like regular you know he'd come with anxiety he'd bring self-doubt he'd bring fear then be like here's a pint of Ben and Jerry's nilaam don't move for the next five days yet had to be functional forward the next day that was my second micro death I also guarantee you you all have seen all three micro deaths if you haven't maybe you've seen one of them and if you still not seen any of them wait for it it will find you the third type of Micra death for me showed up on June 11th 2015-2016 I was hunched over my writing desk I had dialed my dad and I was my dad hey Dad how are you my dad obviously didn't realize it was a rhetorical question so he really told me how he was so somewhere between him talking listen man parents somewhere between him talking about his laundry and making a trip to Walmart the next day I had to interject and I was like dad you got a minute he's like of course we'd heard I have all the time in the world for you that moment all my walls broke down and all I kept saying on repeat was I can't do this anymore I can't do this anymore I can't be here anymore I have done so much to preserve Who I am despite all the experiences I've seen in this life that have made me feel otherwise I just cannot do this anymore and I just kept saying I cannot do this anymore I cannot do this anymore I cannot do this anymore as a parent you just imagine if my father's thinking about getting on the LIRR to get to me ASAP but that started a beautiful round of conversation and he asked me what happened I told him what I was grappling with in my life honestly that this is the issue at one point I even told him like there was a guy I liked he didn't like me back that was a topical issue right start the problem and my father obviously in responses like who is this guy wait for it though send me his LinkedIn profile and his brave Facebook profile at once like that is some serious stuff but I walked away from that conversation and packed my bags my apartment of over seven years in New York City two bags precisely two weeks after I had a chat with my dad HR called me in the room at my that at my job at that point and was like hey Neil um this is not working out and for the first time in my life I actually said hell yeah it's not working out for me - for the first time in over 12 years I said that and when I walked out of the room I was flying and if I wasn't maybe like the office space or something like that I'd be throwing staplers and people's papers from their desks my hair would be flipping in the wind you know it felt that dramatic in that moment but I left that place I said that I would write a book someday I've written my first book since then I said I would travel the world I am doing exactly that I said I would work for myself I'm doing that too I said when I turned 60 I will go to India and open my not-for-profit that will help kids with education and mentorship and vocational skills a month and a half ago I got approval at the first level to operate and my lawyer said it was okay to talk about it now because it was it got the first round of approval [Applause] I'm not standing in front of you today as a before-and-after story I will never be that I will always be a work in progress and I'm very content with it because there's no other place to go right we're in this little continuum and the end is already predetermined we're just making array there I can tell you for a fact when people ask me how do you do it all you must've been so courageous and I tell them it's never the courage to act it's the courage to listen hard and strong and not edit anything that is moving through you anything that's being communicated to you don't push that away listen hard when you listen you have the ability to introspect to assess and then go from that place and you push outward with gentleness with intention with kindness with compassion that's how you push outwards I have no regrets I have no regrets about a boss yelling at me or anything he's probably still got that same job poor him hashtag you know my depression still shows up but now when he comes in he's like really chill he wears good bling him and I chat over a cup of tea now he brings me a green juice instead of fightin turf instead of a pint of ice cream we're getting back on track and then when he's leaving he's like yo I'll see you and I'll see you I'm quite happy with that by the way come whenever you want to I can tell you these micro debts have a way of stripping you have a way of exposing here and making you naked and making you just an and your own blood sweat and tears and show up as you are and it's a very scary thought for many of us to think about ourselves in that space because we're so cluttered so cluttered with the noise social media instafamous Facebook and whatever by the way I do default also everyone has a bit of an addiction now and then but we're so so completely immersed in that world we don't even see on that my mic her dad's taught me a few things the first it taught me is to feel it all no matter what feel everything don't subtract any aspect of your story own every part of it don't anything it don't edit anything out if anyone dares to edit any part of your story tell them to you know what I was gonna say back off but you all can pick your own words I mean have the courage to pluck your own heart out stand in front of the world and show the world your heart bleeding and traumatized scared and terrified full and breaking at all at once have the courage to pull it out show the world who you are this is what changes the world us being who we are and you say this is who I am accept me as I am deal with it if not get out of my way the other thing that these micro debts have taught me is to risk it all when the time comes when the moment arrives don't flinch but it will plunge come on make it happen and if you're low risk you know if you're risk-averse that's fine plan it out but take the step the other thing my micro death has taught me is you must be willing to walk away walk away from anything that insults the very fabric of your soul of who you are that includes friends relationships jobs cities countries all of it comes into under that category the other thing my microd has taught me was it is a thousand percent no wait gazillion percent okay for you to change your mind absolutely okay for you to change your mind the only caveat to that is don't change your mind because you're scared of doing something change your mind because it doesn't agree with the very essence of who you are the last thing which is kind of twofold that my micro debts have taught me it's forgive find a way to forgive someone who has done you the greatest harm you can sit there and say but Neelam you have no idea what someone did to me and I don't absolutely know I'm not living in your world I get it but I can tell you when you forgive you create the space for the most important thing to show up and that is love and I'm not talking about like you know girlfriend boyfriend love I'm not talking about parental love I'm talking about love as a state of being where you are almost unaffected and detached from results and judgment so my wish for all of you is that you embrace discomfort and you contextualize your pain and you feel things deeply because it is the ones who feel deeply that will affect the course of humanity over the next decade and maybe the decade after that to come as well my wish for you is that you do not seek stability guarantees embrace uncertainty the only guarantee we have is mr. death right over here we don't know when he's showing up had I had the guarantee of birth like listen I'd be trending on BuzzFeed if I knew I was going to be born like 10 times Neelam knew that she was gonna be born and how awesome that was in gifts of course my wish for you is that you become resilient and you don't distract yourself from the things that are not important my wish for you is for you to know that you are needed here your story matters who you are matters maybe you might not think of yourself that way right now my mother wants I hast her like hey why am I so different why can't I want everything everyone else wants why can't I be regular it would be so much easier right and my mother says to me you know when you're in my room I wanted a daughter I come from a country where they still practice female infanticide so as far as I'm concerned was born on 22nd May I already got a bonus life over the life I was already given so I was living a bonus life on my first day on this planet and ever since then I've received many lives many many lives so when someone says hashtag Yolo I'm like yo no I don't agree with that you guys be careful if I catch you guys doing hashtag Yolo I've got all your names you are needed here you're absolutely needed here be patient have the courage to try something new it's fine you'll fail you'll fall flat on your face who cares and my penultimate wish for you all if I may say so is that when that buzzer rings with your name on it or if it's a dove carrying a note card with your name on it I hope you're already living the draw the life you've imagined I hope you're saying something like OMG hashtag OMG I did this yo this was adventures I did it I showed up and I rocked it I did my part and now my legacy takes over with that I'm out guys are awesome thank you for reading you