How women can grow bolder AND older | Sharon Sinclair-Williams | TEDxTeessideWomen
URL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UGEHHQb63LE Video ID: UGEHHQb63LE ============================================================ Transcriber: jueun lee Reviewer: Manlin Fang Can you see me? It wasn’t a trick question, honestly. It’s just because by now someone is old and decrepit as me, according to society, um, should be not seen. I’m meant to be over the hill, past my prime, on the scrapheap, invisible. When we were young children, we were taught to be seen and not heard. As older women, that comes back to us full circle. We're classed as surplus to requirements that our voice no longer counts. Some of you here might live to be a hundred. Your children and your grandchildren certainly might. With all the progress that's being made with science and health tech. So how would you feel if the 50 years of that life you were meant to feel as if you were no longer required of no use to society? Ageism holds everyone back, and gendered ageism in particular holds women back. It seeks to quieten us down and subdue us, and has done so forever throughout history Around about now, I'm meant to be thinking about aging gracefully. That’s what I’ve been told. But I don’t want to age gracefully. I’m not doing that. I want to age how I choose to age because I am older, but I’m not what people think older is. Girls are taught from a very young age to be quiet, modest and demure. We’re taught to be quiet and always be mindful of men’s needs and to not make ourselves the center of attention. Then, from early adolescence onwards, we're almost biologically driven to eye one another up as a potential mate. And then there's something called the male gaze. The male gaze was first depicted as a phrase in as characters in film, where women were seen as almost inanimate, sexualized objects. If you think about those early James Bond movies where women were always ready and waiting, but it was always in the bedroom. And when the mating game is over, we’re told that we age out of that male gaze, that we become unattractive as women and that we no longer count. I’m actually quite enjoying aging out of that male gaze. I think it's quite empowering. But, you know, now that I'm in my 60s, I’m meant to be worrying about fallen arches, bingo wings, droopy boobs, my forever graying hair, and all of these things. I mean, I’m not saying that Im delighted with what the passage of time is doing to my body or my face when I scrutinize it in the mirror. But I’m sort of trying to learn to challenge my own negative bias. And there are loads of generalizations and myths about older people that they're always unhappy and grumpy, that they don't ever want to learn anything new, that they no longer curious, that they actually don't need or want sex and pleasure. I’m here to tell you that there’s nothing better than a good romp And not have to worry about ever falling pregnant again. Wow. What freedom for women. And the way that brands market to us, who thinks that adverts on Instagram to me about stylists and supported living accommodation deserve a place on my phone screen? They're such lazy old stereotypes that are just annoying and alienating millions of potential customers, customers who have lots of money to spend. As I said, I am old, but I’m certainly not older how they think it is. I started a blog in 2017 and I called it ‘best before end date’ with the tagline ‘Not passed my expiry date.’ The idea that I was having a cheeky nod towards the way that we think of food products, being past our sell by dates and past our use by dates. And I wanted to try and turn on the head how we felt about women being past their sell by dates. And what I was trying to do was to narrate my own positive aging story. That I was here, that I was visible and that I was showing up. And I have those messages to share with everybody as long as they listen to me. I have my own internalized bias going on every single day. I am just like any other menopausal woman. I hit 50 and thought, beep! “What do I do now?” Um, you know, You know, and that’s how we all generally feel that fear of aging that is creeping up on us. It’s almost unannounced. And I knew that I had to try and start challenging my own internal sexism and ageism, but I wanted to shake it off and that I really had to do the work on myself. I’m not going to lie, I do that work every single day. It’s not easy, but I want people to remember as well that the menopause is a natural and inevitable part of growing older. What isn't natural or shouldn't be inevitable, is that women give up their jobs at the peak of their careers. I’m proof today that you can get through the menopause. I had a particularly challenging time going through the menopause, which resulted in a very, very late ADHD diagnosis. But maybe we're all ages because we're frightened of dying. Maybe because deep down it’s more about death than aging. Who here is frightened of dying? Because, you know something, death is actually the only way we can avoid aging. Our bodies and our cells are going through this biological vortex every single day towards our death, towards our natural expiry date. So how do we confront those fears? Well, I know that I’m frightened of so many more things than I am of aging and possibly dying. I’m really frightened of a burning planet. I’m frightened of, what else am I frightened of? Lots of things. I'm frightened of the hatred towards women and marginalized communities. I'm frightened of creeping fascism. I’m frightened of seeing babies and children being slaughtered every single day on the news. I’m frightened of so many more things rather than dying. It almost pales into insignificance when I think of those things. We shouldn't be frightened of aging. Death is natural, but we should really think and embrace about the joy of living. And please, please, don’t ever say again, if you have, that your birthday is just another day. Because it’s a celebration of your life, of you. Please remember that. The ancient Greek poet Homer, he actually coined a really good phrase which was called the green old age. And he described it as a time when we may not be able to do all the things that we used to do, but we'll probably have less demands on us and therefore less stress. That sounds great. Something to look forward to our green old age. But it’s how we, what we do with it and how we plan for it that’s really important But I’m not ready to step into my green old age just yet. I’m claiming this time now as my older and bolder era. There was a study by Harvard University of 14,000 people over the age of 50, and it actually found that a positive mindset really helped to boost health. That the connection between mindset and health behaviors was really important. And I know that I'm so much more resilient now than I used to be when I was younger. Things that used to worry and concern me no longer do. And you know what’s really great about it? That I’m free to say things. I’m free to say ‘No thanks’ to things that I don’t want to do. And I’m free to say ‘Yes, please’ to something that’s new and exciting. I'm free to feel beautiful just for me. I'm free. I'm free to start a business, travel solo and explore the world. Trim down our circle of friends, to those that really count. Who you love and who loves you for you becomes more important than ever. And you will absolutely still have dreams like you did in your 20s. And you'll ask the universe for more time to make them come true. But let me tell you, you will still have lots and lots of dreams. I have so many. I’m not done dreaming yet. But some things determine our happiness and how we age. Things about where we live and where we work. Actually, here in the northeast, the pattern of life expectancy for women is five years less than those living in London. Men who live in deprived areas live even shorter lives. Those years count for everyone. And as the years pass, the thought of disadvantage almost snowballs. And maybe that’s why we’re afraid of aging. Because we see it as a time of disadvantage, of something that we're almost powerless to control. And, you know, something? So much progress has been made against almost every other type of discrimination. But why is it that when I tell people that I love going to Ibiza, or I love a messy Saturday bottomless brunch with my girlfriends, the people look at me and go, “Wow, good for you” It’s almost as if what they’re really thinking is “She’s still doing that? Look how old she is.” But you know something? If you believe that a 50 year old woman can take part in an Iron Man challenge, like I did, then you’re probably going to want to give that a go yourself, too. And if you believe that a 61 year old woman from Teesside can stand on the famous red Dot and deliver a Ted talk, then you’re probably going to want to give it a try too. Think about what you’ll be like when you’re 80, when you might be scaling mountains and kayaking. These are all the things that we should be thinking about cause we are all getting older, but we’re not really what people think older is. And we see the way that this pans out in Hollywood more than ever, because Hollywood has got such an unhealthy bias towards aging. We see male stars in the 60s and 70s, often acting against female co-stars who are decades younger than them. And when older female actors are in movies, they're often portrayed as lonely, housebound, infirm, divorced. Whereas it's the Silver Foxes who have all the money and all the power. And film’s not the only place that we see women battling against these enforced norms. We’re encouraged to dig deep into our pockets to buy all the latest anti-aging products, dying our gray hair, holding the gray back, and even plastic surgery. We’ve really got to check our thoughts and our outdated beliefs. and our words and our actions. because it’s only through those that we can really challenge and think about our self-awareness to be able to grow and evolve. Because older women's knowledge is not often valued. It's a patriarchal construct that seeks to undervalue older people, especially when they're women. I work in the tech industry and I have done now for almost 20 years. And I know that I’ve been passed over for expert opinions and opportunity panels all the time. How can I possibly be tech savvy, interested in sustainability and artificial intelligence? And be a woman and be older? Here I am, 61 years of age, challenging those norms every single day because I'm really passionate about what I do, and I want you to challenge that too. Wherever you work and whatever you do. In the workplace, men are often seen as wise and competent, whereas women lose their credibility with every new wrinkle and every hot flush. I wish I'd known this sooner, but I'm here to tell you folks that that's how wisdom works. That’s why it’s important for you to hear my voice so that I can pass this knowledge onto you. We’ve been hoodwinked to think that we’re less valuable as older people and older women in particular, but we’re actually more powerful. We’re really just getting started when you think about it. The patriarchy has tried to make us think that we are powerless, but we’re actually powerful. And our self-worth is not dependent on a man’s approval. And we can speak out, and we no longer have to pipe down. The notion that we should be made to feel invisible is that patriarchal construct trying to make us feel powerless. And you know something? I want men to succeed, but not at the cost of women or anyone else not succeeding. I've brought two amazing sons into this world, one of whom is here today in the audience, listening to me and my words. I want them to grow up in a world where gender equality really does rule. Every single one of us has a voice from the second that we come into this world, until the second that we leave it. And every voice deserves to be heard. So I want you to think about this today. How will you urge? Of course, you’re going to get older. But will you join me in growing bolder? Thank you. Thank you.