Good Grief: Can grief be a gift? | Tim Finkel | TEDxDetroit
foreign keep it going for yourselves everybody for making it out here tonight look at us we're at a TED talk can you believe it ah I gotta tell you when I found out about this opportunity I was so incredibly excited I called up my mom right away I told her mom you're never gonna believe this I'm doing a TED Talk and she said honey that is so amazing I'm so proud of you what's a TED Talk but congratulations every single one of you in this room here today are not dead yet yeah you can applaud that for now you know but my name is Tim Finkel I am a comedian today I want to talk about something that is often not regarded as funny I want to talk to you about grief so do this for me applaud if you have ever lost a loved one it's okay yeah kind of a weird thing to applaud isn't it you know but it shouldn't be none of us are immune right you've either lost a loved one you're currently losing a loved one or you're gonna lose a loved one regardless grief's coming people you know but today I would like to invite you to think of grief as something good I would like to ask the question is grief a bad thing I don't think it is we often think of it as something that we try to avoid or just get through we think of it in terms of being linear having a start and a finish but I would argue that grief is a gift some to be cherished something to be embraced now before I get too far into this allow me to explain my scholarly credentials in this area of study I have absolutely none yeah I have seen The Lion King 18 times and I'm a parent you know but I do have my story okay March 3rd 2009 it was my 30th birthday it was a great day it was I wasn't reveling in the Glory Days of my 20s I was genuinely optimistic about my future and then I get a phone call that day my uh my oldest brother had died now he wasn't sick it was completely unexpected in fact this photo here was taken just nine days earlier now he was a competitive older brother as most older brothers are but don't worry he didn't do it on purpose he wasn't trying to steal my Limelight or anything like that but nothing will ever prepare you for the death of your brother you know you think about what it'll be like when a dog dies or a grandparent but you don't think about what it'll be like when a sibling dies not on your birthday certainly not in your 20s having a brother die on your birthday it's a lot like getting your car washed and then pulling out onto the street on a beautiful day and the clouds roll in and the rain starts falling and and then your brother dies yeah do you have any idea how awkward it is every year on the anniversary of my brother's death they have to say hey everybody who wants another slice of cake it was tragic you know I was left with the overwhelming feeling that my own life was now trivial I didn't know how to go on so I started to try and shift my mindset because I realized at this point that this was either going to affect me very negatively or very positively but regardless I was not going to be the same so I tried to find gifts and my grief I became obsessed with this how often do you hear the words I'm sorry for your loss what does that even mean right it's no different than saying God bless you after a sneeze what are you sorry for it wasn't your fault I've never been a big fan of this term because I can honestly say I'm not sorry for the loss of my brother it's not because I didn't love my brother he was a great man he was the father of three boys five seven and nine at the time the kind of guy that when he went in a room he lit up the entire room whose positivity was contagious if you were lucky enough to meet my brother you remembered him the day he died was the worst day of my life now I have an incredibly thoughtful amazing wife and she never knew how to approach that day from that day forward until one year she said make sure you keep the day open I got a surprise for you I thought we were going to go to the zoo or a pumpkin patch or someplace that I have zero interest in she she told me that this morning she said I signed you up for a stand-up comedy class with six weeks long ends in a final performance this was my start to this day it's the greatest gift that anyone has ever given me I now spend my weekends telling jokes about my wife to complete strangers and she's regretted it every day since but the first thing you are the basics the year old boys are empirical evidence that these are the cornerstones of all great comedy but all I ever wanted to do was get good enough at comedy that I could talk about my brother's death on stage in a way that was hopeful and funny you know Mark Twain once said that humor is nothing more than tragedy plus time and I learned that if you can learn to laugh you can learn to heal see comedy teaches you to take a commonly held belief flip it upside down and then argue that Counterpoint with humor most of most of us think grief is bad something to be avoided I didn't feel that way my grief was my Catalyst for positive change so I started talking about my brother's death on stage it was cathartic I was achieving my goal I had moved Beyond fart jokes and you know what I found out throughout this process I learned that when you talk about death on stage at a comedy show most late night audiences prefer fart jokes yeah distilled down comedy is nothing more than making a human connection you know and we all fart but we also all experience death and then one night I came off stage I had a gentleman come up to me afterwards and he had tears in his eyes and he told me I had to find you and come thank you I I just had my older brother die two weeks ago I didn't want to come here tonight this is my first time out of the house the first guy was terrible but you gave me hope this was the human connection I was looking for with time I found that my grief began to fade and if I'm honest I I missed it I did and and the gifts of my grief began to fade I found myself becoming less present having less gratitude and then I became a dad and one day I turned around and my own children were the same age as my nephews when they lost their father and all of my grief came back with a wave because I realized the gravity of what my brother left behind but with that came all the gifts because I didn't take my life for granted at that point I'm often drawn to this quote grief is like the ocean sometimes the water is calm sometimes it's overwhelming all we can do is learn to swim now I can see what you guys are thinking right now by your looks you're giving me are you sure this guy's a comedian and I do sincerely apologize for turning this into a TED Talk but again congratulations every single one of you who applauded here at the beginning of the speech are still alive right and if you take anything from this don't say you're sorry for your loss I'm not find the gifts in your grief seek out the value of it you may not be there yet but make it a goal in doing so it is the greatest way to honor those you are grieving so this year when my birthday rolls around I'm not going to feel guilty about having cake and I'm going to have myself uh beer in my brother's honor if I'm being honest I'm going to have nine thank you guys very much my name is Tim thank you