Mister Wonderful | James McGinty | TEDxPortobello
what do these items have in common a tub of butter a DVD a braer ladies and gentlemen those are all items I have found in my oven putting everyday objects in unusual places is just one of a host of symptoms of Alzheimer's dementia four years ago we sat in a sterile Hospital Consulting room following two years of exhaustive tests on my wife's memory the result Mrs mcti you have dementia the diagnosis was delivered in a voice as cold as the steel on the blade of the knife that slipped into my heart bam it was like a physical blow my stomach turned over every muscle in my body tensed and tears began to flood down my face to my eternal shame the first thought what am I going to do now my thoughts should have been with my wife Margaret who was also in floods of tears but that diagnosis felt so much like a death sentence that I was already into the first stages of selfish grief and if I'm truly honest that sort of behavior wasn't unusual for me I had always been self-interested self-conscious self-absorbed often putting my needs before Margaret's a typical stoneage husband but there's an upside to alzheimer's Margaret's forgotten all about that and now because her memory resets every few minutes she thinks I'm Mis wonderful several times a day but there were no good support networks near where we lived and Alzheimer's hits hard hard and Margaret's friends started to Desert her they weren't mean they weren't nasty to her they didn't do anything you could ever consider was wrong they just started going to a different Cafe for morning coffee they started their afternoon walk at a different time in a different place they basically just hid from her they couldn't cope with the unusual behavior they couldn't cope with the memory lapses and they couldn't cope with her asking the same question again and again and again and again and again and again eventually she became totally isolated and slipped into depression I didn't even notice any of this I maintained a facade of normality I went to work every day I carried on with my hobbies I met and socialized with my friends while all the time at the very core of my being wondering why I had been dealt such a dreadful blow that selfishness did not disappear easily it took a while but eventually I too got depressed and as Margaret's depression deepened like a beautiful husband I spiral right down into hell along with her there were dark days and long dark nights where we both just sat and brooded and moed and wondered why life had become so cruel but then one day by post came salvation a simple Diary of events from our local Alzheimer Society the very next day I stayed away from work and I took Margaret to one of these events singing for the brain and as we sat and we sang the old songs Margaret's favorite take me back to the Black Hills the Black Hills of theota yet to be fear Margaret things are much better I watched as her spirits lifted and soared and like that beautiful husband I soared right along with her I talked to other carers who told me how they had adjusted they taught me that dementia doesn't strike two people the same way they taught me strategies for coping and they taught me that despite Margaret having a devastatingly serious illness there were still good times to be had good times like a couple of weeks later we sat in a crowded Cafe and Bam a woman hit me with her bum in the way out and Margaret began to huff and puff and I signal for her to stop but it was too late so another woman slid into the seat alongside well she get in without hitting you and her bum's much bigger than the other women's sometimes with Alzheimer's the social filters are the first thing to go but as we drove back from singing for the brain Margaret chatted in ways she hadn't in many months and I responded in ways I hadn't since the day of the diagnosis and even as we sat and sang songs from the session take me I won't put you through this thinging again don't worry we laughed we chatted and I thought about the biggest lesson I had learned things had to change and because Mar was no longer capable of the sort of rationalization needed for change that change had to come from me I had to turn into Mr Wonderful and the change was Swift and it was huge I left my job we sold our house we moved back to Scotland so that we could be beside a family support network I now work from home so that I can look after Margaret 24 hours a day and when that's not possible or It all becomes too much I can turn to Margaret's family or my family and they're all too happy to look after her for a few hours so that I can come to an event like this or for a few days so that I can go away for a weekend and recharge my batteries and come back refreshed and ready to start caring again I cashed in my pension early so that we could travel the world while we could both still appreciate it we've been to almost every country in Europe we've driven back and forth across America four times so that we could visit her son and daughter-in-law in California so that they can spend some quality time together well that's still possible we've cruised with them from Alaska to the Caribbean and despite what people say about dementia Margaret can still lay down new memories we spend many an evening pouring over a photo album and nothing gives me more joy than to see Margaret look at a photograph and say I remember caring for someone with Alzheimer's isn't easy caring for anyone with dementia is tough I've had to turn from being a husband a lover a companion a best friend into a carer and more like the parent of a small child but it's not like being the parent of a small child it's not like taking a baby that can do nothing for themselves and watching them turn into a child an adolescent and a responsible adult it's taking someone who is a responsible adult and watching them turn into a stroppy adolescent a small child and a baby that can do nothing for themselves and there is no good outcome but Margaret's not at that stage yet she still hangs on to a bit of her wit and humor a few weeks ago we a visit to the doctor do you have any allergies penicillin says I I think she can answer for herself no I can't I've got Alzheimer's and I don't remember it's moments like that that make me realize that the person I love is still inside there somewhere every day I face new challenges and every day I grow as a result of rising to those challenges Margaret's condition and her undying love for me through all those years I was such a selfish idiot have made me more loving more caring more mindful so when strange things happen happen around our house I don't get upset when I can't find the frying pan I don't get frustrated remember it'll turn up in the broom cupboard or in a drawer in the freezer but it will turn up when Margaret pours coffee into the milk jug or the Sugar Bowl for the fifth time in the same morning I don't get angry no matter how often we go out for a meal and marck can't remember what food she likes and what food she doesn't no matter how many hours I spend looking for her spectacles that are in the pocket I've asked her to check six times no matter where Margaret's brazer turns up I just smile and reflect greatfully on the growth that adversity has brought to me because in the end there would be no Mr Wonderful if it wasn't for Mrs Wonderful