Transcript

Jail yoga: inside here, outside there | Bakonyi Panni | TEDxYouth@Budapest

Translator: Sára Valuska
Reviewer: Csaba Lóki I went to jail on the 13th of August... ...to teach yoga. As I was standing in front
of the great door, I was reminded of Alice in Wonderland
and the Chronicles of Narnia, and that if I open the door,
I will find myself in a wonder world. Well, it didn't really happen like that. I opened the door, and I found myself
in a very unfamiliar and different world. I was faced with rules and systems
that I didn't know and it made me very insecure. At the entrance, I needed to leave
all my stuff to be locked in a safe. I had to go through a security gate, 
I was searched every possible way. I felt as if I was at the airport,
but I wasn't travelling, I was being locked up. The fact that I had to leave
all the things that my personality consists of
in the everyday life made me feel even more insecure. As we were passing through the doors,
they were slamming behind me. I went up to the sector where 9 convicts
were waiting for me. 9 male convicts, who were imprisoned
for violent crimes, spending long sentences. I stepped into the room, greeted them,
and I introduced myself. They looked at me, checked me out, and then they turned their back on me,
and didn't even acknowledge me anymore. It was an amazing feeling. I had no clue
what to do with these people. I felt that we were not speaking
the same language. I had trust in only one thing:
in exercise, that exercise can be the bridge
between us somehow. Because if we don't speak
the same language with someone, what do we do? We use our hands, legs, we make ourselves
understood with gestures. But I couldn't really start in the middle.
I told them my short introduction: that I am Bakonyi Panni,
and I came to give them yoga classes, and that I believe in change, and that I believe that thanks
to these classes, they will experience something
that they haven't before, and that they will get something new
both physically and mentally. They laughed at me
and told me that we should just forget it. They are tough as hell,
and I can't show them anything new, and that it is something
girlish and awkward thing... I should go home,
this won't be interesting. Zero out of two so far... Then I thought
that we should start the class, which I always do with some psyching up. I asked them to stand in a closed stance,
to let their hand down, and to close their eyes. I asked them to start listening
to the inside, and to their breathing. Paying attention to your breathing
helps you focus, to be present. I think it's really important at the beginning of every process
to make ourselves aware of what's going to happen. That's why I asked them
to close their eyes, and to breath through their noses. They, however, straddled,
and were staring at me with open eyes... I must have done something wrong.
I wasn't speaking clearly, or God knows... I repeated the instructions once again. Stand in a close stance,
arms hanging, eyes closed. It was extremely difficult to teach them
and not using first-name basis with them. I practiced it at home in advance. So I repeated the instruction again. Now they not only stared at me blindly,
but started whispering and snickering. Zero out of three so far... I left it there,
I decided to start to really move. I started with really simple poses,
we were stretching to the sides, up, leaning forward and backwards. After some more difficult positions they realized that it felt good. It moved their spine
which felt really good for them, as they are usually doing only
body-building and laying around. They are neither mobile, nor they stretch. So their body type looks like this... An upward salute usually
looks like this... You should imagine them like in
American movies. They are bald or short haired, fully tattooed, big muscles,
wearing hounds-tooth patterned clothes. And moving their spine felt
really good for them. We switched to shoulder mobilizing tasks,
which is a nightmare for body builders. There's a pose where you need to hold your
hands together and pull your elbow down. Well this pose for them instead of this...
looks like this... And just like you
started to laugh at it now, they started to laugh as well, and this was the point
when the communication started. This newly formed communication
between the group members was on a slightly
different level than before: it wasn't like, "for your dinner
I will help you with something". It was a different experience,
a different communication, and a connection was forming
between them and me. Hungarian is a really interesting
and expressive language. Exercise helps stepping over boundaries,
and stepping is an exercise itself. As we finally had a connection,
my job became easier. We started to move forward
according to plan. They started to feel the effect
of the process, and they got more involved in it. I completely forgot where I was. I was completely wrapped up in teaching. I wasn't teaching convicts.
I was teaching people. There was no space, no time, I wasn't bothered by their uniform,
or by the bars on the windows. I simply saw in their eyes
that they were getting something, they were experiencing something, that they had never felt before. I was praising them a lot. They didn't understand it,
they weren't used to it. It was completely new to them. What were these new experiences? We started from the tangible,
from movements, from breathing, to the intangible,
towards listening to the inside. towards a spiritual change. I really, really like
the laboratory metaphor. If we consider our body a laboratory, then with the help of exercise,
we can easily assess our inner self, the state that we are currently in. We can change this state
with the help of exercise. I learnt it from my own experience. The connections between
the experience of the convicts' and my own experience are incredible. I wasn't convicted, just like many
of you haven't been, I suppose. My story is much more ordinary and simple. 3 years ago
my relationship of 6 years ended. I literally lost everything. My home, my relationship - obviously, my work, and people
who I considered to be my friends. However, it wasn't the hardest part, because a job can be found,
a house can be found, the difficult part was that I had no clue who I was, as I spent most of my adult life
as a part of a relationship. I just couldn't defy myself
as an independent person. I was there alone and empty,
not knowing my place in the world. I thought that if I physically
start to move, then something inside,
an inner process will start as well. Following this thought I decided
to set off, and I walked 800 kilometers, and I was waiting for something to happen. And it did. Slowly, as I put one feet after another - I didn't choose an extremely difficult
form of exercise, as you can see - the inner processes started. I dared to ask questions
that I notoriously ignored before, saying that I don't need
to deal with them, it doesn't matter. I dared to face my inner demons, and I slowly started
to find my place again. A path that I wanted to follow
was outlined, and I more or less knew who I was. However, I needed to face the fact,
that I can't possibly walk all my life. So I had to come home. Since then I have realized that with any kind of natural exercise,
the same result can be reached. The same way you can learn
to listen to the inner parts, and in the same way
we can change our inner self. For me, this natural exercise is yoga,
this is what I can pass on, to the convicts as well, who during the classes, as time passed, got more and more involved. I saw on them that they are not just
doing exercises anymore, but they are really doing yoga,
as there is an inner path as well on which they are stepping forward. My most cathartic experience
was the final relaxation. Imagine a typical jail environment, with bars on the windows, the 9 convict laying
on the ground on their backs, their jaw down to their chest, and now all of them closed their eyes
as the trust was established. They were breathing slowly and evenly,
I saw their chest rising and dropping. The silence and peace
was palpable in the room. Outside there were typical jail noises:
slamming of cell doors, steps, and inside the room they were breathing
slowly and silently. I was standing there
barely believing my eyes, and the guards around me were
completely surprised by this change. They were coming out of this situation
slowly and cautiously. It wasn't simply fulfilling a task, it wasn't like "yes, stay in position
for ten inhalations, and then thanks, then you can go", but they stayed inside for a long time, and for me this was a great feedback that something really happened
inside of them. When they sat up, one of them said, "We are doing yoga in jail,
it's incredible." And it's also incredible
that in order to experience this, he had to go to jail. For some of them,
the first few yoga classes were about fighting themselves. Now they had a tool in their hands that they haven't been faced with before,
and it showed them the possibility of vivacity
both on the inside and the outside. Just like many other people
in the everyday life, they asked themselves,
"Do I really want this all?" "Am I ready to face myself?" Because many times it can be painful. It might be difficult. I might find things inside,
that I don't like at all. There were some, who didn't want it.
And who didn't attend any more sessions. But many of them came to the classes
honorably, they dared to move. In the inside and the outside as well. At first, I only saw the change
during the classes. I saw in their eyes
as they became more focused, the atmosphere became more relaxed. Then at the end of one of the classes, one of them wanted to tell me something,
in front of the others. He said that being locked up didn't
bother him that much anymore, and after the yoga classes,
"it was easier inside". And that these times he didn't want
to be aggressive afterwards. He admitted to not wanting to be
aggressive in an environment where only strength means
a tool of welfare. And he dared to admit it
in front of his inmates. After this class,
the tutors also confirmed that there's a noticeable change
in the behavior and mood of the group members. It seems, that our environment
doesn't really define us, and the seemingly firm
inner patterns can change. Not only can those things be tools
which we would expect, and change is possible even if the environment
and the circumstances won't change for the foreseeable future. The society gave up on these people. And what is even more
important and difficult: not only the society,
not only we gave up on them, but they gave up on themselves as well. If in this situation
they were able to move both physically and mentally, then you,
only locked up in your own inner jail, what is your excuse? Thank you. (Applause)