Transcript

The Intersection of Vulnerability and Trauma | Kelly Dore | TEDxCherryCreekWomen

[Music] I want you to close your eyes for a minute think about a period in time not too long ago think about a period where people were being used for profit for product or for pleasure are you in 1850s America during the time of slavery are you standing in Germany in 1942 during the Holocaust or are you in 1965 witnessing a Bloody Sunday March what would you have done during that time and would you recognize that something like that was happening right in front of you go ahead and open your eyes what if I told you that there are more people enslaved around the world today than any other point in history combined would you believe me the fact is that this is an issue that happens in the United States across the world there are forty eight point five million people around the world who are enslaved not all of them recognize that they are and not everybody has the ability to see that they are you know one of the interesting things about human nature sometimes it's not that we avoid trying to get involved or seeing things that happen it's that we don't know how to see what is in front of us and so when I look back to 1940s Germany it's easy to see why people did not get involved you know one of the things about trauma and when people are enslaved and how they're related it is so relative and I can guarantee that probably every single person has been affected by trauma at one point or in in their lives everything that happens to you shapes who you are and you become the product of that trauma everybody's trauma is not the same but it is all equal because it is all relative to who we are human trafficking is the second highest international crime and national crime in the United States under drugs dealing there's human trafficking and then international arms dealing it happens when people are forced coerced or fraud is used against them but it happens when there is something that is against their will they don't have the choice what does this have to do with trauma you know trauma by its very existence as I said it's relative it is inconceivable but it's also something that is incomprehensible to a lot of people we are taught by society if we don't move past our trauma and we don't get to a better place where we are a hundred percent healed then we are weak we are not strong enough and we cannot conquered by our trauma I'm here to tell you right now society is absolutely wrong because trauma does not get to dictate when you heal or where you are in your life that's up to you and that's up to all of us I want to ask you another question what would you do if you saw a victim of slavery right now do you know what they look like do you know if you would recognize one right in front of you I want you to close your eyes for a minute again think about a person who is impacted by trauma moreover I want you to picture a child who's been impacted by trauma are they in a third world country are they in an impoverished nation or are they simply somewhere where oppression is the law of the land look at where they are surely they're in Chains they're in bondage or possibly they've been snatched off the streets what color is their skin is it black surely it's brown or possibly yellow I want to tell you something right now remove that picture from your head this this is the face of human trafficking in the United States of America and I want to tell you this little girl's story this little girl did not have the choice to join a movement you know a lot of us are compelled right we we hear about something we bring an idea in or something touches our hearts and we're like oh my gosh we have to absolutely get involved we have to do something people like this little girl were born into a movement because they didn't have a choice this little girl started to be groomed and abused before her first birthday you heard me right her first birthday this little girl was told from the very beginning that God made her for this that her body was a vessel for other people's pleasure that her pain her humiliation and her dignity it did not matter at all she couldn't comprehend the enormity of the situation around her but all she knew is that everything that she was told and she didn't understand why people were around her and didn't save her they didn't help her if she told anybody that was what was happening to her or what was going on in her life she would pay the consequences for it other people would pay the consequences for it but in her mind and she was told she was absolutely told all the time everybody knows this is happening this is happening to you because you deserve it because you were born for this so she knew but she also knew the consequences of talking about it so she didn't talk she buried it deep inside and she buried it so that the pain numbed her entire body she went to preschool she went to kindergarten elementary school in middle school every single day she interacted with peers she was in front of people every single day but she knew that they didn't need to know the secret she had because after all all of her friends were doing it everybody around her was doing it but the one thing she knew is that they didn't talk about it because if you talked about it then it made it real and it also was something that was very shameful one day she's 13 years old she's sitting in class and they were talking about body image rape incest abuse and she sort of sat back and she was taken aback by her classmates because that very moment she realized her classmates were snickering and they were disgusted by what what adult would do to a child and that this is something that didn't happen at that very moment for that thirteen-year-old girl she realized she was alone and this is something that didn't happen to everybody she didn't know what to do and she literally went home that day and she literally just dropped to her knees and she decided in that moment her 13 year old self it would be better for her to not live anymore because dying at 13 years old was so much better than anything that had happened to her before so she tried to take her life she didn't have Google around during that time and she was not very successful with that but in her brokenness she was forced to tell a story and she was forced to tell people what happened this little girl didn't know that she was being perfect because that wasn't even a definition that was being talked about during that time so she told on the acquaintances of the one person who was doing it because she knew that she still had to protect that person this little girl's trafficker was her biological father and he chose to harm her and to hurt her and every single time that he saw her he would tell her you are worthless you are not worth more than the dirty mattress that you are sometimes used on this is what you are made for and the little girl believed that because you know what when an adult tells a child something that child absolutely believes it when a parent tells a child something it's fact and that child carries it with them forever so for almost a year this 13 year old girl while they were doing an investigation on the acquaintances of her biological father she had to continue to see him the abuse sometimes was worse and unbearable and there was one night in a fit of his rage where he came in and she knew that she had to use her voice to speak and she had to get away from him because there would come a point where his rage would take her and it would consume her and she did not want to live in his fear anymore so she told she found her voice and she used it and he was arrested 27 counts of child abuse were brought against him he hired the best attorney in the state he ended up pleading guilty to 19 and when it was time for this now 15 year old girl to go to trial and testify about what was happening the female judge that she had sat there like she would rather be anywhere else but there but the girl testified sheera had a letter read at the end of it he was sentenced to two months in jail he didn't have to register as a sex offender and he didn't have to pay restitution and in all of this girls broke in this where she thought finally she would get her justice she recognized it wasn't gonna happen but you know what she did that's where her strength came from and she found that you know what maybe she wasn't born for this world to fit in as she was maybe she was born to do something greater and she was born to change the world to make it kinder to make people understand the cycle of violence that happens in how do you break it so she went to college she became a social worker because she wanted to help other people after college she got married she married a man who said you know what I don't know how to love you I don't know what it takes to understand the trauma that you've gone through but the one thing that I do know is that I have to walk with you and she didn't know what it was like to be a wife a perfect wife to that man or to be a mother to the four babies that they had but she knew that she finally had control of her trauma she opened up a counseling practice for women who had sexual trauma and four other counselors to come and get their start she did all of that this little girl recognized that at the very end of everything in her life she had the ability to overcome her trauma it didn't mean that it went away I'm sure you guys are all wondering right now who this little girl is and what she did I want to tell you one more thing about her she was the sheriff of counseling practice and she decided she wanted to do something bigger so she ran for office she became the first elected female for her position in her area and it was something that she was always told that she would never ever be able to do because she was not worth it she wasn't good enough so I want to ask you again if there was a victim of human trafficking standing in front of you would you be able to recognize them because she's right here on the dot in front of you and she's telling you right now that it doesn't matter what her your past was it doesn't matter what defines you because you get to decide who defines you and where it comes out of your trauma recognizing that everything that I went through there was a purpose for it and there was a reason and that reason was finding my voice right here I don't have to get to a point to where I feel like I am completely healed all I need to know is that that trauma does not control Who I am the decisions I make or what happens in the future and that is the most beautiful thing that can come out of suffering that is the dignity that I get back for the life that I didn't have how do we move into a world that is unkind how do we take what has been so painful and something that has been so sacred to us and give it back to the world as a gift one of the things that I would like to leave you with today you know think about what are ways that we can affect people in this world how can we help them and sometimes we think about volunteering we think about supporting people and their trauma is just too great or we have trauma within ourselves and we don't know how to take that and set it aside so that we can work with them so we walk away because we just don't want to deal with it one of the things that I've learned in my life I don't need people to understand my trauma I don't need people to understand the abuse that I endured or what happened and I don't actually even need an answer for it anymore I just need people who are gonna walk with me and that's something that I would want to dedicate my life to that I can walk with those same people you know one of the hardest things that I've said this as a mother of four kids I have three boys and one daughter and when I had my boys I said you know gosh we can it's so easy to raise them I'm gonna make them really good little men because I'm gonna teach them how to be good people and how to not hurt women and how to recognize the value in the dignity of every single being that they come across but when I had my baby girl and they laid that beautiful baby in my arms I didn't know how I would react her I didn't know how I would save her from the hurt in the pain and the heartache of this world and I can stand here today and say that none of my children will ever know what it's like to hear the words you are not worth anything you don't matter and we have broken the cycle of violence with them I want to end with this you know part of our life's journey and when we think about what we can do to affect other people and this is what I say you know it we think about the story the analogy of the starfish where a storm has landed on the beach and all there's thousands of starfish all over the beach and people gather up above because they're watching the man down below and he's ferociously throwing as many as he can back into the sea and they sit there and they say why are you doing this so many more are gonna die so many more are gonna suffer and the man picks up one and he holds it up and he says you know what this one will go back into the sea because this one will matter don't worry about saving the entire world because I can tell you in my lifetime we're not gonna end this scourge but we can make the difference one life at a time find your starfish [Applause] [Music] you [Music]