It Takes Grit | Chloë Kilroy | TEDxYouth@SHC
[Applause] tell your story change the conversation organized by students TEDx youth at s HC here are my top five tips for not pissing off the nurses at whatever psych ward they put you in one don't expect a nurse to checks you in to actually care about what you need to do to cope if you pull out a journal know that she'll probably snatch it from you because she's afraid that the minute she stops looking you'll use the metal rings that hold your papers together to slit your wrists to when a nurse comes into your room at 3:00 a.m. and sticks an IV into your unconscious sleeping body don't freak out it makes it harder for them to take blood samples and no patient should actually expect to have rights to their bodily autonomy when they're in a psych ward three don't touch anything or anyone whatever you do regardless of how badly you want physical contact whether that be a handshake or a hug don't do it you're mentally ill so you would probably squeeze whoever you were hugging to death it's a security risk for make sure that you internalize whatever snide comments your nurse makes when you receive your mental health diagnosis even if you're misdiagnosed to know that you are the problem that's why you're here five don't focus on getting better that's not what they actually care about they want to make sure that you're making progress and if you convince them you get to leave if you don't you're guaranteed another week or two in the loony bin these are actual tips my roommate gave me when I was hospitalized the behavioral center in November of 2016 a week prior I had attempted suicide I spent four and a half days in the ICU and another on UCSF s mental health floor before I was transferred to this facility there I met my roommate and she told me that the nurses often conflated patient with problem that I would be looked at as a problem unfortunately there were some truth to her statements the nurses treat treated patients like issues they imposed strict rules that violated and isolated patients in hopes of making sure that we made it through the night what they didn't consider was whether or not we were finding substance in life every day at least one patient would reattempt suicide I never did but plenty of my friends tried often when a patient would try and communicate their urge to self-harm or hurt others they were told that they just needed to work through it the same lines would be regurgitated to both a patient suffering from depression and a patient trying to cope with schizophrenia we were all painted with the same brush stroke all giving talks about how we could just live happily if we tried eventually I stopped trying to appease the nurses they pulled me aside and told me I needed to amount more that I needed to express my feelings and so I tried I told them that I felt like my conditioning was worsening that I was experiencing series of flashbacks that were exceptionally traumatic that I needed to go home they just told me that I wasn't ready and I needed to try harder even though I was released less than 24 hours after this incident it stuck with me how could doses at a facility that was designed to help kids like me not see that the conditions there were making me worse when I got out of the hospital I wasn't better I wasn't necessarily suicidal but I went back to compartmentalizing my trauma and holding my tongue the only people I could actually talk to were people that had lived my experience people like my roommate even though it's technically not allowed we all scribbled out each other's phone numbers before we left the hospital out of the 16 kids I met on the unit I managed to get ten phone numbers and for a while I talked to them daily when the first one in our group died I remember kneeling down and asking myself why someone who had been hospitalized for attempting suicide would want to kill themselves after going through treatment when the second one in our group died I realized that there was something flawed in the system and when the fourth one died I stopped hoping that the majority of us would make it out okay after the sixth I deleted everyone's number I didn't understand how a system that had been curated to help kids like me could be failing this badly this betrayal in patient health isn't anything new more often than not patients leave mental hospitals like the one I was at feeling mangled both physically and mentally when I realized my experience wasn't an anomaly I decided that I needed to talk to somebody I turned to my therapist for guidance as one of UCSF s leading psychologists he was an extreme help to me he understood how the system worked and when I met him after my attempt he was actually curating an interactive mental health site designed to help adolescents and teenagers the site which is composed of two parts focuses on two separate things grit mag which recounts the stories of kids like me who have been hospitalized and this is about you which is a portal designed to help people identify mental illness and ways to cope with trauma when he realized how pissed I was about how badly the system was failing he asked if I wanted to partake and initially I refused besides being skeptical about how much his site could actually do I was still in fight-or-flight mode at the hospital I have learned to believe that nobody could actually make me face my inner demons if they didn't know I had any I didn't even have to acknowledge them myself if I stayed medicated and focused on survival then I broke down I tried to rely on my therapist again and a conversation arose he asked me one more time if I wanted to partake in grid I said yes but only if the site would focus on correcting the wrongs of the mental health industry I realized that they were already working on something so special grit which aims to provide both kids and young adults with a pathway to success focuses on Mental Illness but doesn't stigmatize it if a kid is feeling depressed or suicidal or anxious it gives them a space to talk it provides some resources therapists hotlines that they can reach out to that is something that I would have loved to have when I wasn't hospitalized I began to contribute to the site and I learned so much I actually began to believe that the system could change the things could be revolutionized grit has since launched and I can't say exactly how many people it's helped what I can't say is that it's forced me to acknowledge that there are some traumatic experiences in my life that I still try and run it's also made me realize that I can't control my mental health I've learned how to cope with certain situations sometimes being off of medication can be tricky because I feel emotionally overwhelmed but having to live through my experiences has taught me how to live with myself currently I'm a junior I'm happier than I've ever been and I'm more successful than I've ever been I managed to curate my life around things that I loved like the arts and I've been given plenty of cool opportunities like showing at New York Fashion Week I continue to aspire to revolutionize the system and I've continued to work on grit it's just a starting point for a much larger conversation about what needs to be done in the mental health industry what things need to change and how we can help more kids like me I hope you will join me on my fight thank you [Applause]