Reject the Disconnect | Geena Matuson | TEDxSyracuseUniversity
URL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tPJO2nMjc9I Video ID: tPJO2nMjc9I ============================================================ every human being is valuable what makes something valuable the ability to directly meet our human needs food water shelter rest the security to close our eyes and rest and human connection every individual is intrinsically valuable because we have the ability to directly meet our human need for connection and meet other people's need for human connection and while every individual is valuable each person has their own internal values concepts and ideas that are important to them shaping who they are their identity and when you recognize your values you have the ability to connect with others on shared values and this is how we build entire communities to meet our needs but how do we recognize shared values we market ourselves the way we talk act dress the list goes on who we are is imbued in all we do we're walking stories and today we have some of the most amazing tools for telling our stories and connecting with others like social media social media is just a tool to help you meet your human need for human connection and with it we can connect with people from all over the world so why do we feel disconnected well it's not the tool it's how you use it and most of us don't understand how to use our tools in a healthy way and this starts with the tools inside of us are feelings well feelings contain information about our needs and when you accept how you feel you can take steps to change the way you feel hunger thirst sadness whatever else meeting your needs in the present so you're able to continue this healthy cycle on repeat it starts from the inside out from being to doing and by being yourself you connect with yourself and then others but most of us work from the outside in most of us are actually taught that feelings get in the way of meeting our needs but if you do enough and perform well enough for others those others will give you permission to simply be but now that we believe simply being isn't enough to meet our needs we never really want that day to come see we're afraid that by accepting ourselves others will reject us well we've been conditioned to believe that we need others permission to meet our own needs so we reject ourselves first we push our feelings down any time they arise misusing the tools around us to continue misusing the tools inside of us social media is just a tool for connecting but more often than not we use it as a tool for rejecting ourselves and when we reject ourselves we reject our values and our own stories so we take on the stories of others doing and performing for those others so they give us what we're afraid to give to ourselves acceptance so we put on the story we want them to see and if they accept this story with a like or a follow we convince ourselves they're accepting us but this wasn't our story this was someone else's story so while they might accept our performance they're not accepting us because we haven't accepted us see we're not struggling for acceptance from others we're actually struggling to reject ourselves see it's hard to reject yourself no matter how hard you push yourself down you pop right back up and of course you do you never want anywhere to begin with that's why we inundate ourselves with distractions like social media apps and the people on the other end see we don't feel disconnected after hours of scrolling through social media because we see others are so loved and accepted and why aren't we we feel disconnected because we're misusing this tool the way we misuse all of our tools to self-sabotage recreating our internal struggle for rejection all of our scrolling is doom-scrolling and we reject ourselves with limiting beliefs like what if a potential employer sees this what if a friend sees this what if a current follower sees this and they reject me because it doesn't align with the story or values they want to see but by trying not to disappoint others you only disappoint yourself and you're still not meeting your own needs right because you're waiting for others to give you permission to do so in fact you're making others responsible for your needs your feelings your values and your story well in a world of 7 billion people you're bound to bump into those who don't share your values right i mean you might even call some of them friend but no true friend would ever shame you from sharing who you are let alone your values right because they would share those values and luckily with half the world's population on social media you're also bound to make authentic connections but you need to connect with yourself first you can reject the disconnect by sharing your story and this starts by sharing meaningful moments with yourself and then others what does that look like well look to your physical environment with the intent to identify things that make your day meaningful and you will find those things that are valuable to you look to your digital environment and do the same you'll start to recognize consistent values imbued and all of the ideas things and people you follow you'll recognize your own values and uh whether text speech image nft whatever capture meaningful moments in your life right is it a book a person a concept or idea your meaningful moments add up to your story and now that you have those meaningful moments share them with others attract the healthy people who will accept you because you've accepted you go a step further be proactive seek others i mean that's the point of hashtags right find a community imbued with your values giving you the safe space to demonstrate yours you come to see that you're not just useful for what you can do but you are valuable for who you are you start to shift your own perspective well i grew up ping-ponging between abusive home environments unaware that my normal was unhealthy social media wasn't just an escape for me it was a safe space a place where i could just be myself back in the myspace days i ran a group all about hair and style what started as a list of links to inspirational photo albums turned into an active forum of fifteen thousand members and you know what years later people still reach out to me and tell me how much they love that group and at the time i made profiles for musicians who would trade me merch in exchange for my work i took creative self-portraits before selfies was even a thing or before we called them that i'm dating myself here and um you know i blogged i blogged about the meaningful moments in my life and i met people with whom i'm still in touch today i value accessibility i value access to information and i value access to a safe external space where people can't explore their own internal space without judgment but at the time i wasn't thinking about what my actions communicated right i was just being me and then the forums disappeared overnight but anyway i went to college art school and while at school a teacher sent me sex poems in the mail so i reported him he was investigated and fired and after helping a handicapped woman in the bathroom i told the school about potential liability but also people need more help and they posted handicap help notices around the school and after a well-documented complaint about an international travel course they hired a travel course director first time in its 20-year run oh yes one person can make a difference but i didn't see that and no one else wanted to see it either i mean the school certainly didn't like the deal with me my professors and classmates turned against me one kid even tried to get me expelled any time i brought up anything my feelings were used against me because of the trauma i had suffered in this silent system i no longer had the credibility to speak about this system sounds all too familiar doesn't it so i didn't tell my story i treated myself the way i was treated i silenced myself so i told the story i wanted people to see rooted in truth but veiled to appear bigger and better and everything is fine the girl mirage i turned to branding in labels and titles and social media this tool that i had once used for fun in a healthy way to connect with myself and others i was now using to distract myself away from my needs well due to the fear of what accepting my feelings might have brought right pain rejection i rejected myself first i caused myself pain in the present in order to avoid the idea of future pain at the hands of others a control tactic for lack of management well this all seemed to work i was getting validated for this behavior i was even a town elected official i mean i ran uncontested sure but it looked good and i did enjoy the role i was a practicing artist with viewings around the world but i wasn't just marketing myself i was manipulating others because i had manipulated myself and as i hid myself and i hid my values i wound up in a very codependent relationship and another abusive environment isolated and disconnected i looked for community i went to grad school and that's probably a whole other talk but anyway ten years later after two degrees a few startups a pile of projects something clicked this wasn't being this was just more doing so who was i well for one thing i was tired i was tired of living my life for others i was tired of struggling putting my my struggles my ideas my misguided and limiting beliefs in the way of truly listening to what i needed giving to myself first so i could give to others so i finally gave myself permission to listen to myself to listen to my feelings the information inside of me i finally gave myself permission to build a safe space for myself without judging myself i gave myself permission to advocate for myself to myself without guilt i gave myself permission to be transparent without shame and now i'm building my own community of people who accept me because i've accepted me and that is how we meet our needs build community and move on to a path of fulfillment using all of the tools around us and those inside of us in a healthy way we come to see that when we share our stories we realize we're not alone acceptance is the key to connection and we've had these tools this whole time you just need to flip your script so i flipped my script and i told my story i'm gina madison thanks for coming to my tedx talk