Bringing community back offline | Ankit Shah | TEDxTeen
People will forget specific facts about you, but they will always remember how you made them feel. The core argument is that building genuine relationships requires deliberate, offline effort to counteract the addictive, controlled environment of social media. This process is best understood by comparing digital validation to the difficult but rewarding effort of a "runner's high."
## Speakers & Context
- Speaker addresses an audience at TED.
- The talk is framed by updating a quote from Maya Angelo for 2014.
- Acknowledges the speaker's own hypocrisy regarding technology use, admitting to taking phones out at dinner and sending emails right before meetings.
## Theses & Positions
- People remember how they *felt* after an interaction more than the specific details of what was said or done.
- Building better relationships requires physically getting offline.
- Constant internet connection feeds three major addictions: stimulation, validation, and control.
- The core problem is the performance of a *"contrived version of yourself"* online, which masks true self-knowledge.
- The most valuable connection is found when the common denominator is **authenticity**, not a specific topic.
- Online digital ease (like a slice of pizza) is tempting but ultimately leaves one feeling guilty, unlike the rewarding difficulty of real effort (a runner's high).
- To build offline connections, one must be *deliberate* and admit what they don't know (opening up to oneself).
## Concepts & Definitions
- **Build better Relationships:** The central topic; requires conscious effort away from screens.
- **Stimulation:** One of the three addictions satisfied by staying connected to the internet.
- **Validation:** One of the three addictions satisfied by staying connected to the internet; receiving acknowledgment, often via "like" buttons.
- **Control:** One of the three addictions satisfied by staying connected to the internet; the sense that one dictates the narrative.
- **Contrived version of yourself:** The carefully curated self-image presented on social media.
- **Authentic:** The quality of real storytelling and genuine questioning.
- **Curiosity:** A natural state that motivates exploration when one is bored.
## Mechanisms & Processes
- **Social Media Feedback Loop:** Complimenting what one does ("what you're doing is awesome") leads the user to do more of it, until people stop liking it, causing the user to stop those behaviors.
- **Profile Picture Update Process:** To signal existence, the speaker simulates updating a profile picture by selecting an old one and clicking "make it new again."
- **Social Connection Mechanism (at "Two with Strangers"):** Hosting involved giving participants a hug upon entry, asking questions, and sharing the host's own thoughts, removing predefined topics.
- **Information Delivery on Internet:** Facebook delivers cat photos because it infers what the user likes based on past engagement (past likes or posts).
## Timeline & Sequence
- **Last semester of college:** Speaker had only two classes left of college requirements, giving significant unstructured time.
- **Senior year:** Speaker created the website "let's get tea."
- **Over the last year:** Speaker successfully brought together over a thousand people in small group conversations.
## Named Entities
- **Disney:** Cited as an example of corporate power ("if Disney can make an episode seven of Star Wars").
## Numbers & Data
- **2014:** Year the updated quote is referenced.
- **Three:** Number of addictions satisfied by staying connected to the internet.
- **15-20:** Number of likes the speaker received when bored.
- **Two:** Number of classes left during the last semester of college.
- **Three and a half:** Duration of time the speaker was creating the contrived version of self over the past years.
- **Over a thousand:** Number of people brought together over the last year.
- **Five:** Suggested number of people for small group conversations.
- **Two:** Duration (in hours) agreed upon for small group conversations.
- **Sixteen:** Number of seconds displayed on the pedestrian light.
## Examples & Cases
- **Common Pitfalls:** Taking phones out at the dinner table, texting instead of calling, and fact-checking during conversations.
- **Profile Picture Example:** Showing a non-retouched family photo taken with an iPhone versus the "meticulously crafted" profile picture.
- **Location Bias:** Going to parties where one feels alienated because those locations tend to produce the "best pictures."
- **Boredom Manifestation:** Getting bored in a cafe and subsequently going to ride a bike across San Francisco just to check cat photos on Facebook when hitting a red light.
- **The Website "let's get tea":** Premise was: *"if I don't know you yet let's change that,"* featuring embarrassingly true things that couldn't be posted online.
- **"Two with Strangers" Event:** Brought together people of all breeds, ages (16 to 72), and professions without any predetermined topic.
- **Comparison Analogy:** Social media interaction is compared to a "slice of pizza" (easy, delicious, guilt-inducing); real connection is compared to a "runner's high" (miserable until the satisfying finish).
## Tools, Tech & Products
- **Facebook:** Social media platform used to check for "like" buttons and viewing profile pictures; used for the cat photo examples.
- **iPhone:** Camera used to take photos in a living room setting.
- **SLR camera:** Used as a comparison point to show an amateur photo taken on an iPhone is less "perfect" than a carefully crafted profile picture.
- **website (let's get tea):** Website created by the speaker during his senior year with the premise *"if I don't know you yet let's change that."*
## References Cited
- **Maya Angelo:** Author of the opening quote.
- **"Two with Strangers":** The group activity/program used to facilitate connection.
## Trade-offs & Alternatives
- **Offline vs. Online Connection:** Deliberate, effortful offline connection (runner's high) vs. easy, performative digital connection (slice of pizza).
- **Posting vs. Being Present:** Posting a picture online vs. being genuinely present in a moment, such as family in the living room.
- **Knowledge Assumption:** The internet operates assuming the user knows who they are and what they want, versus the reality that people (even those with existential crises) often do not know these things.
## Methodology
- **Personal Experience:** Speaker used his own pattern of boredom and subsequent online behavior to illustrate the problem.
- **Website Creation:** Built "let's get tea" to channel curiosity and address local boredom using the people around him.
- **Structured Group Activity:** Organized "Two with Strangers" by controlling the initial logistical elements (hug, asking questions) while eliminating topic control.
## Conclusions & Recommendations
- To build better relationships, one must be *deliberate* and *open up* by acknowledging unknowns.
- The ideal environment encourages curiosity, honesty, and questioning—a place where the assumption is asking questions, not knowing the answers.
- People must open themselves up to *themselves* before they can open up to others.
## Implications & Consequences
- Emotional memory lasts longer than factual memory: People remember *how* they felt.
- The addictive cycle of digital validation traps individuals into performing for an assumed audience.
- The common ground linking all people is authenticity, meaning fundamental human connection is not different from person to person.
- Failure to confront assumptions and create honest environments leads to perpetual performance and disconnection.
## Open Questions
- What would happen if an environment could be created where questioning, honesty, and admitting ignorance were the *common assumptions*?
- How can people overcome the physical barrier of screens to achieve self-reflection?
## Verbatim Moments
- "people will forget what you liked people will forget what you commented people will forget what you messaged and people will forget when you called and they will forget what you said and they'll forget what you did but they'll always remember how they made you feel"
- "if Disney can make an episode seven of Star Wars and it's not the worst crime in the world today"
- *"if I don't know you yet let's change that"*
- "The thing that brought everyone together was authenticity."
- "The sense of control that we all seek becomes kind of a moot point because we're all strangers and we know that we're no place to make preconceived notions about one another and none of us actually know what's going on"
- "Social media is like a slice of pizza, and real life authentic interactions are the runner's high."
- "you have to be deliberate about it."