Bringing community back offline | Ankit Shah | TEDxTeen
## People
- Maya Angelo: Referenced for a quote.
## Organizations
- Disney: Can make an episode seven of Star Wars.
## Tools, Tech & Products
- Facebook: Social media platform; used to check for "like" buttons and viewing profile pictures.
- iPhone: Camera used to take pictures in a living room.
- SLR camera: Comparison to iPhone regarding picture quality.
- website (let's get tea): Website created by the speaker in his senior year.
- vC: Venture capitalist.
## Concepts & Definitions
- "Build better Relationships": The central topic of the talk.
- "Stimulation": One of three addictions satisfied by staying connected to the internet.
- "Validation": One of three addictions satisfied by staying connected to the internet.
- "Control": One of three addictions satisfied by staying connected to the internet.
- "Contrived version of yourself": The version of self presented online on social media.
- "Authentic": The quality valued when people share real stories and ask questions.
- "Curiosity": A state that, when bored, leads to exploration.
## Numbers & Data
- 2014: Year the quote was updated.
- Seven: Episode number of Star Wars mentioned.
- Three: Number of addictions (stimulation, validation, control).
- 15-20: Number of likes received from validation.
- Two: Number of classes left in requirements during the last semester of college.
- Three and a half: Duration of time spent creating the contrived version of self.
- Over a thousand: Number of people brought together to sit in small group conversations over the last year.
- Five: Suggested number of people in small groups.
- Two: Duration of time agreed upon for small group conversations.
- Sixteen: Number of seconds displayed on the pedestrian light.
## Claims & Theses
- People will forget what you liked, what you commented, what you messaged, when you called, what you said, and what you did, but they'll always remember how they made you feel.
- Building better relationships requires getting offline.
- Being constantly connected leads to common pitfalls like taking phones out at the dinner table, texting instead of calling, and fact-checking during conversations.
- Staying connected to the internet allows me to satisfy three really big addictions.
- Taking profile pictures and making them new again makes people know I still exist.
- Getting zero likes feels like a guy sticking your hand up for a high five and then nobody's actually there to reciprocate it.
- When people tell you that what you're doing is awesome, you'll do more of that.
- You stop doing things when people don't like anything that you have to post.
- Being in a place like Menow Park where nothing is available unless pitching to venture capitalists makes it difficult to find things to do.
- The information on the internet operates on two really core assumptions that are arguably kind of wrong: 1) that we know who we are and 2) that we know what we want.
- People who have had an existential crisis know that they have no idea who they are.
- The common denominator amongst all conversations shouldn't be a topic.
- The thing that brought everyone together [in small groups] was authenticity.
- When you tell a story and when you tell me a story, we're not just exchanging that we're exchanging a listening ear which is the highest form of validation.
- When nobody has control, everybody has control.
- Social media is like a slice of pizza, and real life authentic interactions are the runner's high.
- It's not that much easier to build offline relationships; you actually have to be deliberate about it.
## Mechanisms & Processes
- How getting offline is difficult: Because staying connected to the internet allows the speaker to satisfy three really big addictions.
- Process for creating a profile picture update: Select an old one, click "make it new again," and confirm when prompted.
- The feedback loop of social media: People compliment what you do ("what you're doing is awesome") -> you do more of it because you feel good -> people stop liking it -> you stop doing those things.
- Mechanism of social media content delivery: Facebook gives cat photos because it knows what I like based on past engagement (e.g., liking a cat photo or posting one).
- Process for building connection (at "Two with Strangers"): Bringing people together in small groups of five, agreeing to sit for two hours, with no predetermined topic and no curation of who showed up.
- Way to facilitate conversation: Host gives a hug upon entry, asks people questions, shares own thoughts, and lets people know they can do the same.
## Timeline & Events
- Last semester of college: Speaker was in this state, having only two classes left.
- Senior year: Speaker made the website "let's get tea."
- After graduating and moving out to Menow Park: Speaker built another version of the site.
- Over the course of the last year: Speaker brought together over a thousand people.
## Examples & Cases
- Speaker taking phone at the dinner table: Example of a common pitfall.
- Speaker going to Facebook when lonely: Selecting an old profile picture to make it new again.
- Sharing a picture of family in the living room: A moment not perfectly edited, taken with an iPhone, lacking the likes of a meticulously crafted profile picture.
- Going to parties where one feels alienated: Example of choosing location based on potential for "best pictures."
- Posting an ALS Ice Bucket Challenge: Example of posting because everyone else is doing it.
- Going to the cafe and getting bored: Example of needing validation (getting 15-20 likes).
- Riding bike across San Francisco: Example moment interrupted by checking cat photos on Facebook at a red light.
- The website "let's get tea": Premise was "if I don't know you yet let's change that."
- Writing a section on the website: Listing things too embarrassing to post on social media but true to the speaker.
- Bringing people together in small groups at "Two with Strangers": People of all breeds, ages (16 to 72), and professions attended.
- The runner's high vs. pizza slice: Comparison to illustrate the relative effort/satisfaction of real vs. digital connection.
## Trade-offs & Alternatives
- Constantly connected life vs. Getting offline.
- Sending a picture vs. the picture getting zero likes.
- Going to parties where one is genuinely enjoying oneself vs. going to ones where best pictures are taken.
- Being honest when not knowing something vs. reading an article and pretending to know.
- Creating the "contrived version of yourself" online vs. embracing reality/authenticity.
- Building offline relationships (requiring deliberate effort) vs. using the ease of social media (like changing a profile picture).
- The "runner's high" (sweating, breathing hard, miserable until the end) vs. the "slice of pizza" (easier, delicious, but leaves guilt).
## Counterarguments & Caveats
- The speaker admits he is "no exception" to the pitfalls he describes.
- The picture of family taken with an iPhone is not the best picture compared to the meticulously crafted profile picture.
- The issue with profile pictures is that they are "so meticulously crafted."
- Being in Menow Park means "unless you're pitching to venture capitalist there's really nothing to do there at all."
- The premise that the internet operates on "two really core assumptions that are arguably kind of wrong."
- It's possible to get validation (e.g., likes) from posting, but this isn't necessarily what one wants to be doing.
- One doesn't need to relate to the contrived version of the speaker, or anyone else.
## Methodology
- The speaker utilized personal experience, starting with a quote by Maya Angelo, to establish a premise about relationships.
- The speaker built a website ("let's get tea") to encourage conversations based on what was available in his local network.
- The speaker organized small group conversations at "Two with Strangers" by providing logistics and setting the tone.
## References Cited
- Maya Angelo: Author of the memorable quote.
- "Two with Strangers": The group activity/program described.
## Conclusions & Recommendations
- To build better relationships, it's not that much easier; you actually have to be deliberate about it.
- Being deliberate about it means opening yourself up.
- Opening oneself up requires acknowledging the fact that you don't know certain things that you think you know.
- You need to actually share who you are with the people around you.
- The alternative to social media is creating an environment where it's a common assumption to ask questions, be honest, try to be curious, and admit when you don't understand.
## Implications & Consequences
- If people forget what was said/done but remember how they felt, the emotional impact lasts longer than the factual exchange.
- If people become too focused on one route (in life/self-discovery), they refuse to accept anything else.
- Becoming overly attached to digital validation leads to performing for an audience, which means losing authenticity.
- The common denominator that brings people together is authenticity, which means we are not actually that different.
- If people do not confront their assumptions and build environments for honesty, the addictive cycle of validation continues.
## Open Questions
- What would happen if you could actually create an environment that allowed itself to allow people to become authentic?
- How can people open themselves up to themselves when their faces are so buried in screens?
## Verbatim Moments
- "people will forget what you liked people will forget what you commented people will forget what you messaged and people will forget when you called and they will forget what you said and they'll forget what you did but they'll always remember how they made you feel"
- "let's get tea"
- "if I don't know you yet let's change that"
- "The thing that brought everyone together was authenticity."
- "The sense of control that we all seek becomes kind of a moot point because we're all strangers and we know that we're no place to make preconceived notions about one another and none of us actually know what's going on"
- "I'll go to the ones where I feel alienated because that's where the best pictures are taken"