Making sex normal | Debby Herbenick | TEDxBloomington
Sex researcher Anya Skvo argues that treating sex as abnormal leads to silence, inaccurate knowledge, and poor health outcomes across life stages. She shows that this cultural silence forces people to take extreme actions, like secretly biking miles for supplies, and recommends tangible, community-level efforts to normalize sex conversation.
## Speakers & Context
- **Anya Skvo** — Sex researcher and educator.
- Speaker first started working in sex research at the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction in **1999**.
- Her grandmother and mother grew up in a home culture where talking about sex and bodies was uncomfortable.
## Theses & Positions
- Treating sex as abnormal results in:
* Difficulty in open communication (doctors, patients, or parents not discussing sex).
* Poor health reporting (e.g., cancer patients not reporting sexual side effects to healthcare providers).
* Widespread ignorance about sexual health (e.g., clustering of STIs in areas lacking sex education).
* Disempowerment and silence regarding sexual experiences (e.g., pain during sex being unreported).
- The expected change cannot solely rely on politicians, school systems, or parents changing; a commitment from the community is needed to make sex normal.
- Normalizing sex conversation will lead to:
* Increased willingness to report sexual assaults and rapes.
* Easier discussion of STIs and STI-testing.
* Greater openness regarding love, intimacy, and connection with partners.
## Concepts & Definitions
- **Sex research:** The field Skvo works in; focuses on sexuality, gender, and reproduction.
- **Sex treated as abnormal:** The condition that causes silence and misinformation about sex and bodies.
- **Civical:** Used by Skvo to mean making sex normal.
- **"Grab Your Gonads"**: A suggested poster concept for bathroom reminders.
## Mechanisms & Processes
- **Information Siloing:** The historical failure of comprehensive sex education, evidenced by the grandmother's birth experience being misunderstood because direct teaching about the vagina was absent.
- **Disobedience as a Coping Mechanism:** Illustrated by the speaker’s 13-year-old self biking five miles through busy streets to acquire tampons instead of speaking to her mother.
- **Sexual Transmission Clustering:** The tendency of STIs (chlamydia, gonorrhea, HIV) to cluster in geographic areas with known lack of sex education.
- **Public Artification:** Utilizing art (e.g., homemade vulva costume) or public displays to normalize taboo subjects.
## Timeline & Sequence
- **1999:** Skvo accepted her job at the Kinsey Institute.
- **Historical anecdote:** Skvo's grandmother and grandfather tried for years to conceive, learning about vaginal birth during labor.
- **Childhood anecdote:** Skvo’s mother was uncomfortable discussing bodies, noted by the fifth-grade puberty video conversation.
- **Later event:** Skvo needed tampons and biked five miles through busy streets to a store in South Miami.
- **Election period:** The **2012 election season** was cited as a time when phrases like *"legitimate rape"* and *"Some girls, they rape so easy"* were painful to hear.
## Named Entities
- **Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction** — Institution where Skvo started working.
- **Bloomington Sex Salon** — An initiative started by Skvo bringing sex researchers into community spaces like bars and cafes.
- **Cindy Gallop** — Artist/advocate whose website and TED talk, *"Make Love, Not Porn,"* is recommended.
- **Lena Dunham** — Director whose show *Girls* is recommended for viewing.
## Numbers & Data
- Decade of starting work: **1999**.
- Duration of trying to conceive: **years**.
- Age when first period arrived: **13**.
- Distance biked for tampons: **five miles**.
- Statistic on pain during sex: **30%** of women in the United States reported some degree of pain when having sex (according to research team findings).
## Examples & Cases
- **Grandmother's birth story:** Learned *in the midst of labor* that birth occurs through the vagina, which was unfamiliar knowledge.
- **Puberty incident:** Mother's limited support for understanding menstruation, leading to the secret bike trip.
- **Healthcare failure:** Cancer patients reporting numerous appointments but never being told about serious sexual side effects by providers.
- **Public Art:** Skvo wearing a costume as a **giant homemade vulva** in Vegas to gauge public reactions.
- **Art/Support Items:** Specific items mentioned for community support, including an **Etsy-bought uterus-doll**, **vulva lapel pins**, **clay vulva man**, and a **sperm-shaped salt shaker**.
## Tools, Tech & Products
- **Sex-positive T-shirts** and **"ovary ova-achiever"** or **"testicle having a ball" button** (available in the lobby).
- **MakeSexNormal.tumblr.com** — New site encouraging photos demonstrating how to make sex normal.
- **Orgasm Inc.** — Documentary recommended for viewing realistic sex views.
## References Cited
- **CDC map of sexually transmissible infections** — Used to visually reference geographical clustering of STIs (chlamydia, gonorrhea, HIV).
- **Cindy Gallop's "Make Love, Not Porn" website and TED talk**.
- **TED** — Mentioned as a source for sex-positive videos.
## Counterarguments & Caveats
- Some critics (represented by an editor of a respected newspaper) argued that if pain were common, women would naturally be "talking about this."
- Skvo acknowledges that her current ideas require a massive community commitment and are not guaranteed to succeed.
## Conclusions & Recommendations
- The overarching goal is to make sex normal by changing cultural dialogue.
- **Concrete actions recommended:**
* Openly reading sex books (not digitally).
* Donating sex-positive books to schools and libraries.
* Attending/participating in sex-positive art events (Gay Pride, marriage equality celebrations).
* Using media: watching nuanced documentaries or sharing sex-positive videos on Facebook.
* Starting conversations in professional/personal life (with partners, doctors, parents).
* Public displays: wearing themed clothing or altering public signage (e.g., changing bathroom posters).
## Implications & Consequences
- By normalizing sex conversation, society can expect people to more easily report sexual assaults, openly discuss STIs, and talk about intimacy.
- The struggle to communicate about sex is linked to pain, frustration, and difficulty in building relationships.
## Verbatim Moments
- *"I was particularly nervous to tell my family that I would be working in sex research."*
- *"It was only in the midst of labor that she learned for the first time that her baby would be delivered not through her stomach, which is how she thought babies left the body, but through her vagina."*
- *"If that was true, we would know because women would be talking about this."*
- *"it's not unusual for cancer patients in my line of work to tell me that they've had 50 or 100 or more medical appointments, including for pelvic radiation, and never once had a health care provider mention the serious sexual side effects to them."*
- *"We don't even know what's true about sex, because we're not talking about it."*
- *"Make space for sex."*
- *"I just think we have to go out and make it normal."*
- *"For them, they will be living in a world where sex, and bodies, and periods and puberty are totally normal because all of you and I made it normal."*