Making sex normal | Debby Herbenick | TEDxBloomington
Translator: Anya Skvo Reviewer: Claire Ghyselen These days I work as a sex researcher and educator. But when I first accepted a job, in 1999, at the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction, I was really nervous to tell my family that I would be working in sex research. I was particularly nervous to tell my grandmother. My grandparents lived around the corner from my family and I growing up, and I was really close with them. And they were loving and kind, and generous people, and also very Catholic, and very traditional, and people who didn't talk about sex. But when I went to Boston to visit my grandmother, and I told her about the job that I was taking, she surprised me by saying that she was proud of me and that she thought it was really important work to be doing. This was not the grandmother that I knew. But then she told me a story that helped me to understand. This is my grandmother and my mom as a young girl. My grammy told me that she and my grandfather had tried for years to become pregnant, and when they finally did it was a dream come true for them. Until she went into labor. It was only in the midst of labor that she learned for the first time that her baby would be delivered not through her stomach, which is how she thought babies left the body, but through her vagina. Although she didn't use the word vagina when she told me this story. So this was an awful and frightening birth experience, that really should have been wonderful, and something that they had looked forward to for years. In case you're wondering how it could get to that point, because I was : her mom had died when she was a teenager, she wasn't around to tell her about birth. I have no idea why her doctor didn't give her that information. Except maybe this was, you know, I mean, it was before Kinsey's time, that was before the sexual revolution, these things weren't talked about... But as a result, she thought that Kinsey's pioneering work in sex and reproduction was so valuable. That's why she thought it was great that I was working there. Now she tried to do better with her daughter, my mom, by giving her more information about pregnancy and childbirth. But still, they were uncomfortable talking about sex and bodies. That was the home my mom was raised in, so that's still how my mom felt about those things. And when it came time for me to be in fifth grade, and my class was shown a video about puberty, that I'm sure many of you have seen too, she asked me in the car on the way to dance class "Did they show you the video in school?" And I said "Yes." And she said "Do you have any questions?" And I said "No." And that was our only conversation. Now, two years later, I got my period for the first time. I was with my grandparents, I didn't want to tell them, So I had to call my mom because I needed help. When she came home from work, she came back with a brown, paper grocery store bag and handed it to me, and said "Here, I have the things you need." And inside the bag were pads. The whole experience was so embarrassing and painful for me, that months later, when I ran out, I needed more. I just was not going to approach that conversation with her again, but I didn't know where to get any, and I wanted to try tampons anyway, 'cause I swam all the time, and I didn't want to talk to her about it. So I figured, well, I have a bike... Now, I wasn't allowed to leave the neighborhood, I mean, we lived in the suburbs, far away from any stores. I only was supposed to be driving, like a block or two on my bike to my friends' houses. We were point A at my house, the farthest I'd ever ridden on my bike alone was point B, one mile away to a friends' house. But I thought about it for a while, and I figured out that there was this store in South Miami, that's where the tampons were! (Laughter) So one day when I got enough nerve, and figured no one was gonna miss me for a little while, I got on my bike and I pedaled what ended up being five miles following this route. It's fairly straight, but it actually crosses a lot of busy streets. And I was really worried about getting caught, but I got the tampons, put the plastic bag on my handlebars, and rode back the five miles, and never told anyone ever. My mom will find out when she hears this talk. (Laughter) Now a culture in which 13-year-old girls end up riding their bikes disobeying their parents, which I hardly every did, you know, all because this is so uncomfortable for them, it's not the only bad outcome of a society that doesn't talk about sex. When sex is treated as abnormal, doctors and patients don't talk about sex. It's not unusual for cancer patients in my line of work to tell me that they've had 50 or 100 or more medical appointments, including for pelvic radiation, and never once had a health care provider mention the serious sexual side effects to them. When sex is treated as abnormal, we don't talk about it or teach about it in schools. And when the CDC maps sexually transmissible infections, it's perhaps not surprising, that they tend to cluster in areas of the country known for lack of sex education. Notice the dark areas for chlamydia in the US, gonorrhea in the US, and HIV in the US. When we don't talk about sex and it's treated as abnormal, people sometimes say inaccurate or insensitive things. The 2012 election season was particularly painful for me to hear phrases like "legitimate rape", "rape shutdown mechanisms" and the quote "Some girls, they rape so easy." When sex is treated as abnormal, we don't even know what's true about sex, because we're not talking about it. A few years ago our research team found that 30% of women in the United States reported some degree of pain when they had sex. The editor of one of the most respected newspapers in the country refused to let her writer cover this story, because, she said: "If that was true, we would know because women would be talking about this" But, you know, women don't even talk much about sex that feels good, let alone, sex that feels painful. So I think the way that we talk about sex, and the way that we don't talk about sex in this country is severely broken. I also think that the way we're expecting it to change is broken. If we sit around waiting for politicians, and school systems, and parents to change this for us, we're gonna be waiting for a long time, because most of these people never got much training in sexuality education, or comfort in their homes themselves. So my idea is a fairly simple one. But it's gonna take a commitment for a lot of us to sort of put this into practice, take a deep breath and do it civical, which is just to make sex normal. So concrete ways you can do this: Openly read sex books. Not on your digital devices. On planes, on subways. I've been doing this for years, it's an amazing conversation starter. (Laughter) Get sex-positive books for kids and donate them to schools and libraries. Celebrate sexual diversity by going to sex-positive art events, walking in or hanging out at Gay Pride parades, going to marriage equality celebrations, like the one that recently occurred on this stage in Bloomington. (Applause) You can watch a movie. A movie that shows realistic views of sex, nuanced views of sex, documentaries like Orgasm Inc. Talk about sex with a doctor or a nurse, with your kids, with your parents. If you've got a partner, start by saying something that you like or miss about your sex life together. Find a sex-positive video, TED actually has several, including this orgasm talk, and post it on your Facebook wall. I guarantee you, you'll get the likes you've always wanted. (Laughter) You can also go more public. A few years ago a colleague and I were in Vegas, and she dressed as a giant homemade vulva, and I walked around with her and interviewed women and men of all ages, asking what they thought she was. A few guessed Star Trek, but a lot got it right. (Laughter) And I know this isn't for everybody, but you can also just wear sex-positive T-shirts. These are some of the ones I have. Wear them out, wear them to the gym and the grocery store. If you don't have something like that, you can wear an "ovary ova-achiever" button or a "testicle having a ball" button. They will be in the lobby at the end of the day, that you can pick up. I have gifts for all of you. You can also get your doctors and nurses to change the waiting room. They often say that they're asked sex questions that they can't answer, or don't have the time to answer. I say add some good quality sex books to the waiting room. Change the posters in the bathroom away from botox and vein treatments, to a "Grab Your Gonads" testicular self-exam poster, or a poster celebrating the diversity of women's genitals. Make space for sex. Here I started the Bloomington Sex Salon that brings sex researchers into the community, into bars and cafes. A local restaurant sometimes gets cheeky with their menu items, including the French Tickler. That's from FARM. Support the sex arts. From left to right, is my Etsy-bought uterus-doll, vulva lapel pins from a local handmade market, a clay vulva man that a student made, and a sperm-shaped salt shaker that I picked up in Argentina. Put it on the Thanksgiving table. And finally, embrace real sex and bodies. Check out Cindy Gallop's "Make Love, Not Porn" website and TED talk, watch shows like Lena Dunham's Girls, and check out makesexnormal.tumblr.com — the new site launched this week that encourages people to send in photos showing what they do to make sex normal. Now recently our research team asked people what they like about sex. A man said: "It's a very pleasant habit we started 40 years ago. It makes the marriage better." (Laughter) A woman said "Feeling completely loved, like I was the only person in the world he wanted to be with." Another woman said "Before my husband passed he just made me feel good. I miss the way he would make me feel." And a man said "Makes you feel like your life is worth a little bit." So yeah, sex in all of its ups and downs, and ebbs and flows, and having it, and not having it sometimes, all of that is part of the normal human experience of sexuality. It is a normal part of life, I just think we have to go out and make it normal. Now I have a professional stake in this for sure, because I believe that if we make it normal, if we help people to become more comfortable, that people will more easily report sexual assaults and rapes, they'll more easily talk about STIs and STI-testing, they'll more easily talk about love, intimacy and connection with their partners. But I also have a personal stake in this. And this is that, like many of you, I know the sadness, and pain, and frustration of relationship problems, when two people can't talk about sex. I also know the joys, and the intimacy, and the pleasure that comes with relationships, when two people can talk about sex. The other personal stake for me is that, when I think of 13-year-old girls riding bikes, rather than thinking of them secretly buying tampons, crossing busy streets, disobeying their parents, I wish for them a world, in which they're riding their bikes to a friend's house, feeling the freedom that comes with being young, and out on your own. Because for them, they will be living in a world where sex, and bodies, and periods and puberty are totally normal because all of you and I made it normal. Thank you. (Applause)