Family Meetings: A Laboratory of Love, Leadership and Possibilities | Beth Hockman | TEDxAsheville
The speaker argues that modern life prioritizes experience collection over reflection, advocating for the intentional practice of "family meetings"—ritualized circles—to rebuild community identity and develop empathetic, solution-focused leaders. The speaker illustrates this by sharing her own family's journey using these meetings, and noting that deep learning, exemplified by a student redefining beauty during a wilderness course, occurs through shared reflection rather than mere activity.
## Theses & Positions
- Modern society is "experience rich and reflection poor."
- The act of learning requires reflection on experience, citing John Dewey: *"we do not learn from experience we learn from reflecting on experience."*
- When describing her job as a wilderness instructor, the speaker would focus on the "circle ups" and "lessons learned" rather than the dramatic "experiences" like "all-night hikes."
- *"Circle ups" are where group culture was codified where celebrations were evokes laughter shared and tears shed; it is where the magic happens.*
- The core function of circle ups is to turn off *"busy which is often vulnerability avoidance"* and make space for vulnerability, which is *"the birthplace of courage creativity joy empathy and belonging."*
- Family meetings are not punitive or for disseminating controversial news; they are *"intentional habitual and routine"* moments of reflection.
- Family meetings are a *"laboratory for our kids to develop practice and perfect life skills"* and develop leaders.
- The key to implementing these practices is to *"embrace perfectly imperfect."*
## Concepts & Definitions
- **Reflection:** The crucial process of thinking about an experience, necessary for true learning.
- **Circle Ups:** A community ritual where people gather to share reflections, plan for the future, problem-solve, speak from the heart, and share gratitude.
- **Family Meetings:** An intentional, routine gathering within a family structure designed to build positive culture, practice emotional sharing, and co-create the family's life direction.
- **Plus Delta Plus Beam:** A reflective process used in family meetings:
- **Plus:** Identifying what the family wants to carry into the next week.
- **Delta ($\Delta$):** Identifying what changes need to be made.
- **Plus:** (Repeating) Identifying continued areas of focus.
- **Sense of Belonging:** A vital gift that, if found at home, lessens the likelihood of seeking it out in negative ways outside the home.
## Mechanisms & Processes
- **Learning Mechanism:** Transitioning from merely having an experience to deriving actionable wisdom from reflecting on that experience.
- **Family Meeting Process:**
1. **Appreciations:** Starting by sharing gratitude to acknowledge each other and create belonging.
2. **Reading the family mission statement:** Builds positive family culture and identity.
3. **Reflection Cycle:** Using the Plus-$\Delta$-Plus process to move from problem-focused identification to solution-focused planning.
4. **Facilitation:** Taking turns facilitating to allow children to practice leadership skills.
- **Leadership Development:** Effective leadership is not innate; it is developed through constant practice, applying feedback, and reflection, utilizing family meetings as the training ground.
- **Indigenous Cultures:** Historically, these cultures use circles for confirmation of community identity through storytelling, ritual, music, and dance.
## Timeline & Sequence
- **Student's 20s and 30s:** Period when the speaker worked as a wilderness instructor, facilitating transformational experiences globally.
- **Day 18 of the 23-day course (Anorexia Student):** The pivotal moment where the student connected physical activity with internal self-worth during the reflection period.
- **When the speaker had twin girls:** The personal application of these principles, leading to the establishment of family meetings.
- **Start of Family Meetings:** Begun when the girls were four years old; the girls are now seven.
## Named Entities
- **John Dewey:** Educational philosopher credited with the concept that learning comes from reflection.
- **Brunei Browns:** Mentioned in connection with the research that links vulnerability to positive outcomes.
- **Quinn:** The speaker's child, age 5, who demonstrated early understanding of the meeting structure by suggesting the frustration of the speaker's habit be brought up at the meeting.
- **Zoom/Family Meeting Context:** A structural element (though not a named physical place, it frames the modern context of the ritual).
## Numbers & Data
- Student's age range for wilderness instruction: **20s and 30s**.
- Number of students in the anorexia recovery group: **one**.
- Length of the wilderness course: **23 days**.
- Student's ages/years: **16 and 17** (when the recovery student was).
- The speaker's children's ages: **four years old** (when meetings started) to **seven years old** (current).
- Age of the two girls when the speaker began the family meetings: **four years old**.
## Examples & Cases
- **South Bronx student:** Camping in the Adirondacks (wilderness experience).
- **Zimbabwe student:** Hiking with walking sticks to avoid black mambas while near landmines from the Mozambique war.
- **Western North Carolina:** Learning to rock climb for the first time.
- **The "circle up" after a hike:** Group debriefing a three-hour slog to a summit, refueling, and discussing trials and tribulations.
- **The canoe trip:** Learning map and compass skills needed for a 15-mile canoe journey in the rain.
- **Family Meeting Contrast:** Historically, family meetings were only called when someone was "in trouble or news had to be shared."
- **The "drawer slamming" incident:** Quinn (age 5) pointing out the speaker's habit of turning off all lights should be addressed at the family meeting.
- **The "anti-perfection" moment:** Zoey spending family meetings under the kitchen table or spinning in a chair.
## Tools, Tech & Products
- **Map and compass:** Tools taught during wilderness instruction for navigation.
## References Cited
- **John Dewey:** Educational philosopher whose quote defines learning via reflection.
- **Brunei Browns' work:** Research cited linking vulnerability to positive outcomes.
- **"The family mission statement":** A written document used to guide and build positive family culture.
## Counterarguments & Caveats
- The assumption that family meetings are universally loved by children (implied skepticism due to the question posed to the girls).
- The risk of conflating family meetings with simply airing grievances or being a platform for controversial news.
- The necessity of embracing imperfect execution, as striving for perfection prevents initiation.
## Conclusions & Recommendations
- Individuals and families should adopt the practice of regular, intentional reflection circles (family meetings) to build emotional safety, community identity, and solve future problems collaboratively.
- The goal is to create a "Laboratory of love leadership" where emotional connections and shared understanding drive necessary change.
- Adults and families should learn to balance reflection with experience, and proactively practice making space for conversation over conflict.
## Implications & Consequences
- If adults and families adopt these practices, it will generate a generation equipped to solve complex societal problems, as they will be trained to be solution-focused, compassionate leaders.
- The power of the circle is that it fundamentally rewrites societal narratives by creating localized, embodied systems of support and communication.
## Verbatim Moments
- *"our modern society is experienced rich and reflection poor"*
- *"we do not learn from experience we learn from reflecting on experience"*
- *"the beauty of these collective experiences is that I to learn from my students reciprocal exchange of inspiration aha articulated wisdom occurred daily"*
- *"I would tell them about the circle ups I would tell them about the reflections not the experience"*
- *"it is where group culture was codified where celebrations were evokes laughter shared and tears shed it is where the magic happens"*
- *"circle ups turn off busy which is often vulnerability avoidance"*
- *"vulnerability is the birthplace of courage creativity joy empathy and belonging"*
- *"I never felt more beautiful than I did on that all-night hike I was smelly and dirty covered in bug bites I was wearing the same shirt from the start of course eighteen days of funk but I felt beautiful"*
- *"I'm gonna look in mirrors less and look within myself more because that's where the beauty is"*
- *"family meetings are not punishment and they are not a platform for controversial news"*
- *"we don't wake up one day as an effective leader we become an effective leader"*
- *"this will need to embrace perfectly imperfect"*
- *"let's make sacred again the art of reflection and the coming together and purposeful circles"*