Family Meetings: A Laboratory of Love, Leadership and Possibilities | Beth Hockman | TEDxAsheville
our modern society is experienced rich and reflection poor ask yourself when was the last time you had an experience now ask yourself when was the last time you reflected on that experience we are in the business of collecting experiences Bizzy has become our new normal a badge of honor worn by adults and passed on to kids our over scheduled digital world is full of instant opinions and information overload all of which hinders our ability to reflect the educational philosopher John Dewey says we do not learn from experience we learn from reflecting on experience I was fortunate enough to spend my 20s and 30s living this quote as a wilderness instructor it was my job to propel students and to value forming experiences and then create the space and intentionality for them to reflect on these experiences my job took me all over the world I was privileged to facilitate transformational experiences for people of all cultures and ages whether it was the student in the South Bronx camping for the very first time in the Adirondacks or the student in Zimbabwe hiking with walking sticks to fend off black mambas while clinging tightly to the trail as to not set off any landmines possibly left behind by the Mozambique war or the 70 year old woman who learned to rock climb for the very first time in these beautiful mountains of Western North Carolina because you're never too old to learn to rock climb the beauty of these collective experiences is that I to learn from my students reciprocal exchange of inspiration aha articulated wisdom occurred daily so blessed to have done this work but here's the thing when people asked me about my job instead of telling them about the all-night hikes and the epic climbs the close encounters with wildlife and the near misses on raging Rapids I would tell them about the circle ups I would tell them about the reflections not the experience I would tell them about the lessons learned the vulnerability and sharing ones story the power in knowing you're not alone and the application of these lessons to their lives back home circle ups are where we came together as a community to share reflections on the day make plans for the next day problem-solve group issues speak from the heart and share gratitude it is where group culture was codified where celebrations were evokes laughter shared and tears shed it is where the magic happens circle ups took many forms they can be organic and impromptu like this group of students naturally circling up after a strenuous hike to the summit with heavy packs in their circle they began refueling with food and debriefing the trials and tribulations of their three hours slog to the top of the summit they can happen around campfires and often marshmallows are involved they're a time to learn new skills like map and compass and they can happen anytime and anywhere in a cave or the first thing in the day when inspiration and reflection on one skills is needed to let them know they have what it takes to canoe 15 miles in the pouring rain they are multi-generational where institutional history and responsibility of conservation is passed down there when we come together to celebrate community they are first thing in the morning over a cup of hot cocoa debriefing a rough and unexpected cold night they are hard conversations mutual respect and hope and circle ups are where we create group identity and rewrite societal narratives like this group of young empowered adventurous girls circling up before they begin a five-day canoe expedition I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised by the power of these circle ups circle ups turn off busy which is often vulnerability avoidance and they make space for us to be vulnerable we know from Brunei Browns work that vulnerability is the birthplace of courage creativity joy empathy and belonging I remember one course I was instructing the students for 16 and 17 years old it was a 23 day course and we had one student on course who was in recovery from anorexia she had wanted to do a wilderness course for quite some time but only now was cleared by her doctor it was day 18 of the course and we had just finished a epic all-night Bush pushed into camp collapsing at 3:00 a.m. with just enough energy to pull out our sleeping bags that morning in our circle up reflecting on this insane all-night hike that we did this student for the very first time opened up and began to share her journey with the group about anorexia the pressure she felt to be beautiful and thin smart and popular to be perfect and then in that moment of self-reflection she said but you know what I never felt more beautiful than I did on that all-night hike I was smelly and dirty covered in bug bites I was wearing the same shirt from the start of course eighteen days of funk but I felt beautiful and I knew in that moment she was redefining beauty for herself and as a result for the rest of us and then she made the transference she said when I return home I'm gonna look in mirrors less and look within myself more because that's where the beauty is I suppose I should not have been surprised by the power of these circle ups after all humans have been coming together in purposeful circles for thousands of years many indigenous cultures still circle up they circle up to confirm identity of community through storytelling ritual music and dance these serpents circle ups give direction and meaning to life circle ups are a vital element to human life so why in our modern times are we not doing more of this when my husband also when this instructor and I were blessed with our miracle twin girls after a long windy and at times painful journey to Parenthood we knew that one day we would be utilizing circle ups in our family that we would be intentional about creating the space to reflect both as a family and as individuals within families one way these circle apps appear in our family are through family meetings we started family meetings when the girls were four years old and they are now seven and like the circle ups of my wilderness instructor days they have been transformational for both our girls and for our family now some of you may be thinking what we had family meetings when I was growing up and there was nothing transformational about him chances are these meetings were every so often when somebody was in trouble or news had to be shared like hey kids we caught this family we need to let you all know we're moving family meetings are not punishment and they are not a platform for controversial news they are intentional habitual and routine they are co-owned between kids and parents they are moments of reflection in our hurried lives family meetings are a laboratory for our kids to develop practice and perfect life skills they empower our kids by encouraging them to take a role in their upbringing when we ask kids what they think or what ideas they have for solving an issue we acknowledge their place in a family and that their ideas and our opinions are of worth family meetings create a safe space for our kids to share feelings it can be a rare window into their innermost thoughts and family meetings create a constructive form for grievances to be aired rather than the living room yelling match or kitchen brawl it's not unusual in our family to hear drawers slam shut and declarations made of I am so glad there is a family meeting on Sunday or the time when Quinn age 5 overheard me mutter to myself and complete frustration why am I the only one that turns off all the lights to which she replied mom you might want to bring that up at the family meeting I'd like to share some of the structure of our family meetings with you it's not a complete list but it will begin to paint a picture we hold them once a week we find mornings and afternoons work best as we're all pretty fried by the time evening comes and we make sure everyone has a full stomach because we don't hangri to be a part of our meeting after the meeting is called to order we begin with appreciations this gives us a chance to come together as a family take a deep breath and acknowledge each other we share gratitude for one another all the while creating a sense of belonging one of the greatest gifts we can bestow on our children is a sense of belonging and if they find that at home they will be less likely to look for it in negative terms outside the home and let's face it we're all at our best when we feel a sense of belonging we read the family mission statement which helps us build a positive family culture and identity after we read the family mission statement we begin a process of both group and self reflection called the plus Delta plus beam what are we doing wow that we want to carry into the next week and Delta the Greek symbol of change what changes do we want to make as we move into the next week this moves us from problem focused to solution focused anybody can point out a problem we need to raise kids that see solutions and we always end with a celebration research shows us that high-performing teams take time to celebrate and families are no different we need to spend time being grateful and celebrating the ordinary these are just a few of our agenda items now the crux move of a family meeting is the facilitator role in an effort to co-create our family with our girls and provide them a laboratory for leadership we all take turns facilitating our meeting has an official agenda check off sheets this allows our girls to be completely responsible for facilitating a meeting as I was preparing this I started to wonder is it just me that loves family meetings or do my girls really love them I can clearly see how beneficial they are to our family but that doesn't mean the love is mutual perhaps my girls are only in it for the ice cream and allowances so I decided to ask them and this quick video is one of their answers 20 hi mom honey I was wondering do you like our family meetings I loved Quinn's response I love to lead people at a time when they're only 21 female senators out of 100 in our government I love to hear my seven-year-old daughter say she loves to lead people we don't wake up one day as an effective leader we become an effective leader there is no overnight success effective leaders practice and practice and practice they develop with each piece of feedback and reflection they look for learnings and they apply these learnings family meetings are the training ground for our kids to become leaders to practice leadership skills and a loving environment where consequences are low to build the confidence to become the leader that both they and our world needs family meetings are a gift to our family and a gift to society our children's generation will be saddled with problems that we have created what this world is going to need is solution focused effective compassionate leaders our kids can be these leaders so here's the thing with family meetings as you begin to create this Laboratory of love leadership and possibility you will need to embrace perfectly imperfect if you strive for perfection you will never start Zoey our daughter spends many a family meeting under the kitchen table with Connor the family dog or spinning in a chair here's the thing with family meetings they don't have to be perfect and they still work there is so much pressure on us as parents some self-inflicted and some culturally inflicted the last thing we need is another to-do item family meetings are not this embrace perfectly imperfect and if your daughter or son spins in the chair like ours know this that with each family meeting you hold you are creating a family culture and ritual of circling up and there is power and circling up imagine a world where our kids circle up to talk before yelling to share before closing off to ask before judging to celebrate the ordinary and be grateful for the people in their lives imagine a world where we as adults do the same where we balance reflection and experience my hope for the families out there is that you begin the practice of family meetings and my hope for the rest of you is that you Circle up let's make sacred again the art of reflection and the coming together and purposeful circles thank you you