"Enlighten your ""bulbs"" of refusal | Amanda Wang | TEDxRCF School Youth"
A student speaker argues that people-pleasing stems from a fear of anger and dislike, leading to a cycle where self-sacrifice over time erodes personal time and energy. To stop this, the speaker advises establishing boundaries, speaking directly about preferences, and using to-do lists to manage time and effort. Ultimately, the speaker cautions that one must learn to say no, even if it risks temporary negative reactions from others.
## Speakers & Context
- Amanda W, a speaker from the class of **2023**.
- Presentation context: Sharing advice on people-pleasing, possibly related to student stress or academic pressures ("Tlet's say toos or SATs").
- The speaker experienced dilemma when teachers or friends asked her to take on responsibilities right before big events.
## Theses & Positions
- People-pleasing is a habit rooted in the fear of anger and fear that others may dislike them.
- People-pleasers often agree to things even when exhausted or busy to avoid disappointing others or losing trust.
- People-pleasing leads to squandered time and effort because one performs tasks they did not want to do.
- To stop people-pleasing, one must draw boundaries and accept that saying no might cause temporary anger.
- One must express preferences accurately and directly (e.g., "I apologize but I've got some other things to do").
- Setting up priorities and to-do lists is a useful tool for understanding time distribution and managing new commitments.
## Concepts & Definitions
- **People-Pleaser:** A person who exhibits behaviors motivated by the fear of anger or disapproval from others.
- **Underlying Logics of People-Pleasing:** Can be unfolded into three dimensions: feelings, thoughts, and behaviors.
- **Boundary Drawing:** The act of setting limits on one's own time and energy when requested by others.
- **"Me me ISM of order and discipline":** A concept (likely a typo or colloquialism for 'me-ism' or similar) suggesting a focus on self-care tasks to manage scheduling.
## Mechanisms & Processes
- **The People-Pleasing Cycle:** Desire to please leads to saying yes, even when overwhelmed, resulting in personal depletion.
- **Fixing the behavior:**
1. Draw boundaries and be selfish: Accepting that others might get angry when "no" is given.
2. Express accurately and directly: Using phrases like "Sorry my time's not working."
3. Set up priorities and to-do lists: Tools to account for all scheduled tasks when new ones appear.
## Numbers & Data
- Speaker's class year: **2023**.
## Examples & Cases
- **The Dilemma Scenario:** Being asked to take on a significant responsibility (e.g., for a school representative role) right before a major test like the **SATs** or **T** (tests).
- **The Communication:** Saying, *"Sorry my time's not working"* when asked to do something inconvenient.
- **The Proof of concept:** The advice on using to-do lists to account for all tasks when new ones are added.
## Tools, Tech & Products
- **To-do lists:** Recommended tool for visualizing and managing effort distribution.
- **Priorities:** The strategic element of time management.
## References Cited
- **Psychologist Harriet Breaker:** Source cited for unfolding the "three dimensions" (feelings, thoughts, behaviors) of people-pleasing.
## Trade-offs & Alternatives
- **Saying Yes (Original Behavior):** Immediate approval from others, but long-term cost is squandered time, effort, and personal exhaustion.
- **Saying No (Recommended Alternative):** Potential short-term anger from others, but preserves personal energy, integrity, and time.
## Counterarguments & Caveats
- The speaker notes the common pattern: people *will* ask for favors right before big events.
- A potential pitfall mentioned is the inability to communicate boundaries, leading to constant obligation.
## Methodology
- The presentation utilizes rhetorical questioning (e.g., "What would you choose?") to engage the audience in experiencing the emotional core of the conflict.
- The core methodology for change involves cognitive reframing guided by professional insights (Harriet Breaker).
## Conclusions & Recommendations
- Always remember to draw boundaries and prioritize personal needs.
- Speak one's mind out and actively maintain to-do lists.
- The speaker concludes with a statement of belief: *"Fortune would always favor the gold ones who Ser out their POS of gut of refusal."*
## Implications & Consequences
- Chronic people-pleasing leads to a negative feedback loop of overcommitment and self-neglect.
- Learning to refuse ("refusal") is framed as a source of personal power and future advantage.
## Verbatim Moments
- *"If you agree then the principal would undoubtedly have a better impression of you but simultaneously you would just lose the time to get better prepared for your test"*
- *"if saying no to people consumes a lot of your energy or you are just constantly overwhelmed by the simple question agree or disagree then you probably are a people pleaser"*
- *"The mentary reason of becoming a people pleaser can be unfolded into three dimensions which are feelings thoughts and behaviors"*
- *"so you should never compromise and take a step back"*
- *"I apologize but I've got some other things to do"*
- *"relish more and squand L"*
- *"Fortune would always favor the gold ones who Ser out their POS of gut of refusal"*