Why Comprehension Skills Are Key To Emotional Intelligence | Talia O. | Talia Oliver | TEDxBuckhead
The speaker argues that instead of focusing on *being heard* (communication), the goal in healthy relationships must be *being comprehended*, suggesting a proactive approach to understanding emotional triggers rather than reactive emotional outbursts. This is evidenced by her experience of being bullied and then realizing that controlling one's narrative—or allowing others to control it—is central to both celebrity culture and personal resilience.
## Speakers & Context
- Speaker: A speaker detailing personal growth related to digital media, emotional intelligence, and relationship dynamics.
- Context: The speaker performed after leaving a "Kirby job" and subsequently interning at a "very very very popular black digital media company."
- Personal History: Bullied as a child due to being tall, overweight, and having a single-parent background resulting in limited material possessions compared to peers.
## Theses & Positions
- Celebrity culture requires maintaining narrative control, as any deviation is seen as damaging to a brand.
- The primary skill needed for healthy relationships is *comprehension*, not just *communication*.
- Individuals must take accountability for how they express being hurt, rather than perpetuating old patterns of conflict.
- The goal is for everyone to improve at understanding their emotional triggers and communicating those understandings when not in the heat of the moment.
## Concepts & Definitions
- **F boy:** A man who makes it his life's purpose to get a woman in bed, even if it involves leading her on when he only intends to "secure the bag" or "secure some food."
- **F girl:** (Less defined than F boy, but mentioned in relation to F boy)
- **Emotional Intelligence:** The necessary skill to improve understanding and expression of emotions in relationships.
- **Comprehension:** The deeper state required in a relationship, contrasted with mere communication.
## Mechanisms & Processes
- **Spiritual Ascension Trigger:** The speaker's heart being broken twice (at age 18 and 19) were the triggers that allowed her to move from surviving heartache to spiritual growth.
- **Transmutation of Pain:** The process of taking experienced heartache and turning it into a constructive output, specifically writing a book titled *I just started long title*.
- **Pattern Perpetuation:** The negative cycle where women who are hurt revert to an aggressive, "savage mode" mentality, intending to inflict the same pain they received.
## Timeline & Sequence
- **Period 1:** Four months after leaving the "Kirby job."
- **Period 2:** Began interning at the digital media company; the publication's following swelled into the millions.
- **Early Life:** Childhood bullying due to appearance and economic hardship.
- **Relationship History:** Two distinct heartbreaks at ages **18** and **19**.
- **Turning Point:** Starting to transmute pain into the book *I just started long title* around age **24**.
## Named Entities
- **Kirby job:** Former employment mentioned by the speaker.
- **F boy:** A male pattern of behavior defined by using women solely for physical gratification.
- **F girl:** A counterpart to the F boy, mentioned in the context of genderless societal understanding.
- **Becca:** A girl who was involved in a relationship with the speaker at age 18.
- **Nest boy:** A specific type of male partner mentioned in a relationship at age 19.
## Numbers & Data
- Age of first heartbreak: **18**.
- Age of second heartbreak: **19**.
- Age of starting the book: **24**.
- Speaker's current age: **27**.
## Examples & Cases
- **Childhood Bullying:** Example of being targeted at school because of being tall, overweight, having a single-parent household, and lacking the "flyest clothes" or "cute hairstyles."
- **F boy dynamic:** Example of a man using women only to "secure the bag" or "secure some food."
- **Book Subject:** The speaker's book, *I just started long title*, addresses rejection and how it strengthened her faith in God, derived from the two relationships.
- **Savage Mode:** The negative behavioral pattern where women try to recoup emotional damage by aggressively pursuing men ("take up a man for all you can get out of him").
## Counterarguments & Caveats
- **Media Narrative Control:** The initial mistake in assuming that public figures *must* remain solely within their established narrative, ignoring the audience's right to discourse.
- **Communication vs. Comprehension:** The caveat that simply talking is insufficient; the listener must be *receptive* for the message to land.
## Methodology
- Self-analysis of past relationships (age 18 and 19) to identify emotional triggers and patterns.
- Using public observations (celebrity behavior, social dynamics) to model relationship improvement.
- Drawing on understanding of gender dynamics (F boy/girl) to analyze commitment issues.
## Conclusions & Recommendations
- The ultimate call to action is for everyone to improve at understanding their emotional triggers and communicating that understanding when calm.
- Need for a better approach to expressing emotions to prevent cycles of conflict.
- Recommends a conscious shift from *communicating* frustration to ensuring *comprehension*.
## Implications & Consequences
- Failure to achieve comprehension leads to unresolved emotional cycles, exemplified by the "savage mode" behavior.
- The speaker suggests that if the current mode of flawed communication continues, the world is "on its last leg."
## Verbatim Moments
- *"The are following swelled into the millions"*
- *"what I wasn't prepared for was the celebrities clapping back at us because they didn't want to be the topic of the day"*
- *"a celebrity is very important to control your narrative so"*
- *"F boys are men who make it their life's purpose just to get a woman in bed"*
- *"I just started long title"*
- *"I was able to not only pray my way out of heartache but I was able to assess a lot of things about myself and about life in general"*
- *"they're just focused on being hurt and they want to perpetuate again perpetuate that old way of thinking"*
- *"it's really comprehension"*
- *"if the person isn't receptive to what you're going to say the message gets lost"*
- *"let's all just take a better approach to expressing our emotions because it seems like the world is on its last leg honestly"*