Why Comprehension Skills Are Key To Emotional Intelligence | Talia O. | Talia Oliver | TEDxBuckhead
[Music] about four months after I've left the Kirby job because it was my pain taboos about four months later I started interning at a very very very popular black digital media company those of you who know me know who they are but I'm not gonna name them today now within a few months of me beginning my internship at this publication you know the are following swelled into the millions and you know along with this new audience that I was being exposed to every day came like a whole nother level of trolls like for the 90s babies like Crash Bandicoot last level you're fighting me or cortex like it was just a mess so I was bullied as a young child you know I'm tall I have a ridiculous height I was overweight you know my I was a child of a single parent after my parents got divorced so you know money was tight I didn't have the flyest clothes and I didn't have the cute hairstyles and everybody else did so I was I got tore up every day at school so needless to say I felt like I was prepared for the trolls that were coming in right and I guess for the most part I was prepared for the trolling but what I wasn't prepared for was the celebrities clapping back at us because they didn't want to be the topic of the day and you know I understood to a certain extent but I was like you know you guys do a lot of things in public you're celebrities you know everything's on public record this is how things have always been you know media talks about you but what I didn't realize was that I was perpetuating an old way of thinking you see these celebrities didn't like us talking about them because they anything other than their narrative and their decision to share their narrative was you know not ours to to tell and it could be very damaging to their brand you know as a celebrity is very important to control your narrative so I you know I felt convicted I felt you know I felt a little bad for these poor old celebrities and I was spilling their teeth without really caring you know as a human being that's kind of messed up so I think about this a lot when it comes to you know perpetuating old mentalities like this everybody know what a fYI is I'm not gonna say the real worry but who knows what if boy is right so for those of you who don't know an F boy or enough girl f girl don't really have the same ring to it but you know we're in a genderless society so f boy can go from men and women so for F boys a lot of times F boys will say that they were created from getting their heart broken by another woman but you know F boys are men who make it their life's purpose just to get a woman in bed they'll even you know lead a woman on and make her think that he wants to be in a relationship with her when really he's just trying to secure the bag secure it somewhere to lay his head and secure some food at the end of the day a lot of us women have experienced relationships like this over you know our lifetimes I'm only 27 and in my book will write for food experiencing rejection and how it automatically strengthened my faith in God it's a really long title in my book I open up about two relationships I was in one when I was 18 and got my hope my heart broken by a nice girl and then again when I was 19 you know I was in a crazy relationship with a nest boy who was also a drug addict and you know by the grace of God I woman Becca those two relationships really triggered my spiritual ascension and you know by the grace of God I was able to not only pray my way out of heartache but I was able to assess a lot of things about myself and about life in general just from being in these two crazy relationships or I thought my life was over you know and I okay so I thought my life was over so when I was about 24 I was able to start transmuting the pain and the heartache that I felt I transmuted it into a book into my look I just started long title and I was able to go around the country and start educating younger women on how to not go through these same things that I went through now unfortunately there are some women who have a harder time with bouncing back from relationships like this and you know they'll go through and you know go savage mode you know as Millennials call it now but go savage mode and kind of take up a man for all you they can get out of him you know think city girls sorry I love you JC she's home now but but you know these these women that they kind of develop that savage mentality because they're unable to just take a step outside of themselves and say what was I supposed to learn from being in this relationship and how can I not go through it again they're just focused on being hurt and they want to perpetuate again perpetuate that old way of thinking well they did it to me so I'm going to go do it to someone else and what I want to talk to you guys about today is becoming more emotionally intelligent when are we going to when are we as a collective going to take a moment and take more accountability of when someone hurts us how are we going to do a better job at expressing how they hurt us how can you do a better job of expressing how I've hurt you I saw a meme the other day it says something like you know people think that communication is the key to a healthy relationship but it's really comprehension you can talk talk talk all you want to but if not if the person isn't receptive to what you're going to say the message gets lost so you know when you leave here today I want you all to do a better job myself included I want us all to do a better job at understanding our emotional triggers and not projecting those triggers onto other people I want us all to do a better job at communicating you know emotionally intelligent people understand that in the heat of the moment you can't it it it usually doesn't work out for you if in the heat of the moment you're trying to explain someone explain to someone why they've hurt you or why you don't like something that they've done they don't want to hear it like we've all been there right so let's all just take a better approach to expressing our emotions because it seems like the world is on its last leg honestly and we can't afford to not be on the same page with how we communicate with each other so that's all I have to say and thank you very much [Applause] you