Accelerating Hope: The Power of the Witness | Anne Devereux-Mills | TEDxSouthLakeTahoe
When the world feels overwhelming, the speaker proposes the *parlay effect*: initiating overt acts of care creates a compounding, cascading wave of support that leads to large-scale change. She argues that defining oneself by professional roles or familial statuses is insufficient, suggesting self-worth comes from cultivating authentic connection, exemplified by her early gathering of women in San Francisco. The mechanism involves moving beyond merely "paying it forward" to actively "paying it outward." ## Speakers & Context - Speaker: Narrates a personal journey of navigating overlapping crises, including a difficult marriage, mothering two daughters, building a career, and a cancer diagnosis. - Audience setting: The talk addresses what to do when the world feels like it is "crashing down." - Contextualizing the crisis: The speaker notes the current societal challenges of global warming, gun violence, incredible poverty, and widening rich/poor gaps. ## Theses & Positions - The self's worth is not defined by profession, mothering, or daughterhood. - Relationships based on what one can do for another are inherently transactional. - Initiating positive action creates a *parlay effect*, a compounding, cascading cycle of support. - The true mechanism for change is not just "pay it forward" but "pay it outward." - Observing kindness (the "power of the witness") is a crucial catalyst for change. ## Concepts & Definitions - **Parlay:** Originally a gambling term meaning the bet is greater when multiple people are involved; co-opted to mean a compounding, cascading effect of positive action. - **Parlay Effect:** The core concept asserting that one overt act of care initiates a cascade where connected people follow, enabling change previously thought impossible. - **Space in between:** The emotional and temporal period that follows everything familiar and precedes something yet undefined; described as painful. - **Values based leadership:** A topic discussed during a fellowship program at the Aspen Institute. - **Power of the witness:** The recognition that observing an act of kindness is a powerful catalyst for one's own subsequent action. ## Mechanisms & Processes - **Personal Crisis Management:** Navigating simultaneous marital strife, career ambition, mothering two daughters, and cancer diagnosis at age 40. - **The Initial Connection (Aspen Institute):** Finding common truths and safety/trust by reading classics, listening to music, or sharing common experiences with peers during a program involving 19 other super high-performing young people. - **The Parlay House Gathering:** Developing deep, candid conversations among women undergoing transitions; moving from small initial groups to 3,000 women participating in content-based events. - **The Cascade in Action (Mentoring):** A young woman from a genocide-survivor family in Cambodia, having high scores on the TOEFL exam, was coached by Hannah Manfredi's mindfulness program, leading her to become a math tutor, which continued the positive chain reaction. - **The Witness Inspiration:** Observing a man giving extra sandwiches to homeless people at a 7-Eleven inspired the observer to follow the same act of charity. ## Timeline & Sequence - **Age 40:** Concurrency of difficult marriage, mothering two daughters, career building, and cancer diagnosis. - **Cancer Diagnosis Event:** Speaker received a call from Memorial Sloan-Kettering stating her cancer was accelerated, leading her to take a few weeks off for surgery. - **Post-Surgery Period:** Walking through Madison Avenue and losing her job, severing a primary source of self-definition. - **Career Transition:** Moving from an entrepreneurial role to a CEO of a turnaround company during a recession. - **New Beginning:** Moving to San Francisco at age 50 to start a new life. - **Early Gatherings:** Beginning with 12 women in San Francisco, expanding through subsequent months to 40, and eventually supporting 3,000 women. - **Aspen Institute Program:** Participating in a program involving 19 peers, focusing on common experience. - **Cambodia Mentoring:** Mentoring the young woman who took the TOEFL exam. - **Scientific Validation:** Conducting a quantitative study with Dr. Serena Chen at Berkeley to map the *parlay effect*. ## Named Entities - **David:** Long-distance boyfriend who later became the speaker's husband and suggested moving to San Francisco. - **Lauren:** Speaker's older daughter, who was heading to college in LA. - **Kira:** Speaker's younger daughter, who was dropped off at Tulane. - **Tamsin Smith:** Friend of the speaker; poet and artist who led an early discussion group. - **Hannah Manfredi:** Mindfulness practitioner, age 27, who created a mindfulness program for inner-city schools. - **Joy Gordon:** Worldwide CEO of Dress for Success, featured in a gathering event. - **Ivey Wolfe Turk:** Woman who created Project Reformation after her release from prison. - **Dr. Serena Chen:** Research professor at Berkeley who conducted the quantitative study. ## Organizations - **Memorial Sloan-Kettering:** Hospital associated with the speaker's cancer diagnosis. - **Aspen Institute:** Institution where the speaker was a fellow, facilitating discussions on common truths. - **Tulane:** College where the speaker's daughter Kira was dropped off. - **Dress for Success:** Organization led by Joy Gordon, assisting women. - **Project Reformation:** Organization created by Ivey Wolfe Turk to help women reintegrating post-prison. - **Berkeley:** University where the speaker collaborated with Dr. Serena Chen on the quantitative study. ## Places - **Los Angeles (LA):** Location where the speaker's older daughter was going to college. - **San Francisco:** City where the speaker moved to restart her life. - **Central Park:** Park where the speaker sat after hospital discharge, watching Al Pacino. - **New Jersey / Manhattan:** Locations related to the speaker's routine of driving to work early in the morning. - **Cambodia:** Country where the speaker mentored a young woman from a genocide survivor family. - **7-Eleven:** Store location where the "witness" example occurred. ## Numbers & Data - **40:** Age at which the speaker concurrently faced marriage trouble, mothering two daughters, career growth, and cancer diagnosis. - **2:** Number of young daughters the speaker is the mother of. - **3:** Number of daughters the speaker is one of. - **4:** Number of quarters of relationship quality the speaker sought. - **12:** Number of women who attended the first gathering at the speaker's home in San Francisco. - **20:** Minimum age of women at the early gatherings. - **80:** Maximum age of women at the early gatherings. - **19:** Number of other super high-performing young people in the Aspen Institute program. - **50:** Age when the speaker planned to start her new life in San Francisco. - **4:** Number of close friends who followed up with the speaker in the hospital. - **7:30:** Time the speaker arrived at the office in Manhattan. - **4:45:** Time the speaker got up in New Jersey to drive to work. - **27:** Age of Hannah Manfredi. - **3,000:** Number of women who came to content-based events at the speaker's home. ## Examples & Cases - **Personal Crisis:** Managing difficult marriage, mothering two daughters, career building, and cancer diagnosis concurrently at age 40. - **Ugandan Town Study:** A small town in Uganda where parents had died of AIDS or malaria, or had left or were in jail, prompting the speaker to join the mission to start a school in Africa. - **Hospital Discharge:** Sitting on hard park benches in Central Park watching Al Pacino in *The Merchant of Venice* after hospital discharge, feeling alive. - **Witness Example (7-Eleven):** Witnessing a man handing extra sandwiches to homeless people at a 7-Eleven, inspiring the witness to follow suit. - **The Support System:** Being supported by a long-distance boyfriend who came with her to the surgery. - **The Cascade (Cyrillic):** A young woman from Cambodia, a first-generation college student after surviving genocide, who aced the TOEFL exam and then became a math tutor, continuing the support chain. - **The Organizational Bloom:** Joy Gordon's work and the connection with Ivey Wolfe Turk, who after prison, was helped with her resume and clothing, leading to the creation of Project Reformation. ## Trade-offs & Alternatives - **Career Utility vs. Mission:** The choice between a lucrative CEO role at a turnaround company and dedicating oneself to starting a school in Africa. - **Self-Definition Conflict:** The conflict between being defined by one's job, marital status, or parent role versus one's essential self. - **Networking Quality:** The contrast between transactional relationships (based on utility) and deep, nurturing connections. - **Change Model:** Contrasting the limited scope of "pay it forward" with the broader scope of "pay it outward." ## Counterarguments & Caveats - **Initial Doubt:** Speaker initially doubted her ability to write about the *parlay effect*, stating, "I don't have science." - **Early Gatherings:** Acknowledging that the first gatherings predated modern, curated spaces for women to connect; "before the days of me too before we were told to lean in this was a time when there was not a space for women to connect with women who were not like them." ## Methodology - **Quantitative Study:** Collaborating with Dr. Serena Chen at Berkeley to track the *parlay effect* via an online survey of strangers. - **Survey Grouping:** Survey respondents were categorized into three groups: The Givers (initiators based on natural abilities), The Receivers (those who felt seen by others), and Witnesses (those who narrated stories without personal contribution/reception). ## References Cited - **The Merchant of Venice:** The play watched in Central Park after hospital discharge. - **Wellesley College:** Institution attended by the speaker for four years, attended by "two thousand capable interesting women who lifted each other up." ## Conclusions & Recommendations - The speaker strongly recommends adopting the *parlay effect* model as a recognized mechanism for scalable societal change. - Change is achieved by "paying it outward"—initiating overt acts of care—which triggers communal support. - The effect proves that individuals possess the potential to effect change previously deemed impossible. ## Implications & Consequences - The *parlay effect* suggests that micro-acts of visible care have the potential to trigger widespread, positive, and sustained social change. - Defining oneself solely by external roles leaves an individual vulnerable when those roles are removed. - The validity of the "Witness" bucket proves that observing kindness is as vital to understanding social progress as enacting or receiving help. ## Open Questions - How can the *parlay effect* be scaled globally beyond the boundaries of local, personal networks? - What specific mechanisms are required to consistently facilitate the deep, trusting connections seen in the "parlay house" type of gathering? ## Verbatim Moments - *"so what do you do when the world comes crashing down around you..."* - *"one small thing one step at a time my girls and I got through it"* - *"your story is way more interesting than a story about a turn around CEO during recession"* - *"I call it the time of the space in between"* - *"I'm looking for four quarters not a hundred pennies"* - *"it's not just pay it forward it's pay it outward"* - *"the power of the witness"*