Finding grace and balance in self-awareness | Andrea Hogue Reynolds | TEDxTheGlebeWomen
Andrea addresses the inherent difficulty in answering "who are you?" by arguing that identities are fluid, often conflicting with societal stereotypes (e.g., feminist, wife, mother), and that genuine self-definition is best expressed through one's actions rather than adherence to fixed roles. She posits that we must recognize ourselves and others as "works in progress" to realize our own latent mentorship potential.
## Speakers & Context
- Andrea, speaker; addresses the audience while speaking about her personal navigation of identity.
- Describes receiving guidance from parents who encouraged her to be "whoever I wanted to be."
- Notes the tension between societal expectations and individual truth: being told to "lean in" and also "relax," or to "put yourself first" while also being told "don't be selfish."
## Theses & Positions
- Defining "who are you?" is complicated because modern life forces individuals to juggle multiple, conflicting identities and values.
- Attempts to fit into stereotypes (e.g., feminist, mother, wife) result in invalidating the true, nuanced self.
- Self-worth and identity are best articulated not by labels but by one's concrete actions (e.g., feminism expressed through advocacy and financial choice).
- Acknowledging oneself and others as "works in progress" is crucial; this realization unlocks the ability to be both a learner and a mentor.
## Concepts & Definitions
- **Identity:** Not a single answer, but a collection of multiple, sometimes conflicting, roles and values.
- **"Works in Progress":** A state of ongoing self-development, which is acceptable and necessary, contrary to societal demands for fixed perfection.
- **Impostor Syndrome:** A recognized phenomenon where individuals feel their success is undeserved, despite evidence of their competence, affecting particularly high-achieving women.
- **Parenting vs. Mothering:** Distinction drawn where "parenting" suggests a more active, intentional, and less stereotype-bound role than "mothering."
## Mechanisms & Processes
- **Self-Disclosure:** Using anecdote (e.g., listing interests, stating marital status) to demonstrate the performative and inadequate nature of describing the self.
- **Narrative Reframing:** Shifting the focus from *defining* identity to *demonstrating* how values manifest in lived action (e.g., donations, consumption choices).
- **Mentor/Mentee Dynamic:** A reciprocal process where one person gains insight by speaking their fears to a mentor, and simultaneously realizes they possess wisdom to share.
## Timeline & Sequence
- **Childhood:** Parents repeatedly teaching the concept of self-determination, supporting attempts that didn't go to plan.
- **Recent Past:** The feeling of achieving success but suspecting it is fraudulent ("feeling like a fraud").
- **Present:** Giving the talk, advocating for the acceptance of being fluid and imperfect.
## Named Entities
- *Huffington Post* — source cited for conflicting advice regarding personal balance.
- Andrea's parents — primary figures in early life concept introduction.
## Numbers & Data
- **42.7%** of people at one point in their life feel like they are "faking it."
## Examples & Cases
- **The Get-to-Know-You Game:** Listing facts like "hi my name is Andrea," "interested in gender issues," "I drink a lot of coffee," which fails to answer "who are you."
- **Feminist Identity:** Cannot pick a single brand of feminism; strong passion for sexual and reproductive health and childcare issues, but cannot prescribe a "kind."
- **Maternal/Wifely Roles:** Feels unable to claim the stereotype of a mother or wife due to self-perception ("too selfish to be a mother") or discomfort with the language ("the word wife makes my skin crawl").
- **Feminism in Action:** Demonstrates feminism through actions like working for a pro-choice nonprofit for 50+ hours a week for no money, and making conscious choices about donations and purchases.
- **Mentorship Experience:** Shared anecdote with a mentor when feeling burnt out and anxious; the mentor could not define her own wisdom, revealing her own status as a "work in progress."
## Counterarguments & Caveats
- The societal pressure to "get it right" or adhere to a single definition of self renders true definition impossible.
- The danger of defining success by rigid roles that ultimately stifle authenticity.
## Conclusions & Recommendations
- Do not feel pressured to provide one definitive answer to "who are you?"
- Acknowledge that our identities are manifested through our ongoing actions and choices, not just labels.
- Recognize that everyone, including the speaker, is capable of mentoring others, regardless of whether they feel they have "figured it out."
## Implications & Consequences
- The internalization of societal expectations leads to pervasive feelings of inadequacy and fraudulence (Impostor Syndrome).
- Accepting the state of being a "work in progress" is necessary for both personal fulfillment and for fostering mutual support within communities.
## Verbatim Moments
- *"I could be whoever I wanted to be when I grew up"* (parents' message).
- *"It's a lot more complicated than it seems."*
- *"I have no idea."* (when asked to pick a type of feminism).
- *"I am too selfish to use that stereotype of mother."*
- *"I don't think I am mothering my children I think I'm parenting my children."*
- *"I don't need to necessarily define everything about who we are we don't need to necessarily have one answer to this question of who are you because we can be a lot of things and those things can be manifested by our actions."*
- *"I have to acknowledge that we're actually surrounded by mentors."*
- *"I challenge you to do the same"* (to the audience).
- *"When we become more comfortable with being works in progress our parents were right and we can in fact be whoever we want to be when we grow up."*