Finding grace and balance in self-awareness | Andrea Hogue Reynolds | TEDxTheGlebeWomen
when I was a young girl my mother and father you know tried to really drive home a certain concept a certain idea they spent a lot of time doing it they talked to me about different ways in which I can approach this they encouraged me when I tried it out and they you know picked me up and dusted me off when things didn't quite go the way I Spit I planned and your parents may have done it too they may have taken the time to like really drive home this idea when I was a young girl my parents told me I could be whoever I wanted to be when I grew up and I believe them now I've come to a point in my life where I realized that's a lot more complicated than it seems it's not something really simple it's not an easy question to ask and I'm actually juggling these multiple identities the reality is that all of these identities all of these things all of these ways in which i described myself I'll come with all of these values and expectations and there's this anticipation that I'm going to fall in line with certain ideas ideals all of these things that many women and other people face and so it's a lot more complicated to answer the question who are you now we were playing some sort of awkward get-to-know-you game I could really easily say a whole lot of things about myself so hi my name is Andrea I am really interested in gender issues i coordinate mentorship programming I'm married I have two kids I drink a lot of coffee I'm a particularly nervous public speaker I really enjoy running a low I run very slowly and I can't stay away from cheese popcorn so there's a lot of things that I can say about myself and describe myself different ways but it doesn't really answer the question who are you when you can't fall in line with the stereotypes and expectations and ideas and you don't really meet those those expectations of others who are you when I talk about being a feminist often the next question that people have for me is what kind of feminist are you what kind of feminism do you prescribe to and I have no idea I don't know I can't pick one I can't pick a set of ideas or values when I talk about being a feminist I have no idea i know that i don't fit a lot of stereotypes so I'm up here in front of you yesterday I shaved my legs I'm wearing a bra and wearing a wedding ring and I married a man so I'm definitely not meeting a lot of feminist stereotypes but I have really strong ideas about gender equality I am really passionate about sexual and reproductive health and the choices that people have over their own bodies I am really interested in finding out how we can resolve day care issues and child care issues in our country I have really strong feminist ideas but I can't tell you what kind of feminism i prescribed you no idea and the same goes for stereotypes around being a mother and being a wife so I am a mother I have two kids they're awesome and challenging at the same time I am a mother but I don't feel like I fit the stereotype I think I am too selfish to be a mother at least the stereotype of one I love my kids and I hated maternity leave I love my children and I cannot imagine having another one and not because I don't feel like i've ruined my heart to love another child but rather because it would interrupt my career path I would have to give up my body again and I would interrupt any kind of self-development and forward momentum I would have it would change what I'm planning for my life I am too selfish to use that stereotype of mother and then there's the word wife so I think we need to acknowledge that the word wife and the word feminist don't always get along but I do a lot of wifely things I love to feed people i decorate cakes I hand make birthday decorations and i own a lot of aprons so I'm fitting a lot of these wifely stereotypes and yet the word wife makes my skin crawl it makes me so uncomfortable to be called a wife so I've already kind of said I can't figure out the answer to the question who are you and let's say you can maybe you can pick an identity and pick pick a definition of what that means and then we're faced with all of these mixed messaging as to whether or not we're getting it right so as feminists as women as mothers as parents as partners were told to lean in and then to relax we're told to go back to work or to stay home with your children you look up on huffington post any given day and you're told both to put yourself first put to put your partner first but put your children first but God forbid don't be selfish we can't get it right so even if you can figure out who you are and how to answer the question who are you you're eventually going to be told that you're doing it wrong by someone somewhere so when you're not falling in line with these stereotypes when you're not meeting these expectations of greater society you can understand why I can't answer the question who are you and when we are doing that it's not uncommon so when I feel like I'm I'm being successful but feeling like that success is actually just a fraud I'm just jamming you all I'm not actually getting anything right that's not uncommon it's not unusual to feel like you're an impostor impostor syndrome is a thing can you imagine 42 seventy percent according to the statistics 42 seventy percent of people at one point in their life feel like they're faking it feel like that any bits of success that they have or just by fluke I didn't actually do it because I do it well and I'm good at what I do or i have i've had this success because I've worked really hard instead they just haven't figured me out yet they just haven't figured out that I don't know what I'm doing I don't know who I am and even if I did I wouldn't get it right anyway so it's a real thing and when forty percent 42 seventy percent of people feel like they're faking it at some point in their life the group of people most affected by impostor syndrome are women and they are high achieving highly successful women and that is a shame that is a shame that we as women cannot answer the question who we are we cannot meet any of these expectations of these identities and even if we do even if we find success we don't actually feel like it's ours to hold we don't actually feel like it's okay to say yeah I'm really good at what I do yeah I totally earned that promotion I totally earned that raise yes that was my hard work and it's paid off so you can see why when you know looking to speak today and asked the question who are you I have no idea I'm all sorts of things and I'm all over the place about that it's not uncommon but it is a shame and so while I can't necessarily tell you the type of feminism I prescribe to and I can't necessarily see how I fit in with the stereotype of being a mother or being a wife I do know a lot about what those rules are for me so I can't necessarily say yep that's exactly who I am I can tell you what I do and why those are part of those multiple identities for me so for me feminism my feminism is expressed through my actions I can't tell you the type of feminism feminist i am but i can tell you that i worked for many years for a pro-choice nonprofit 50 plus hours a week for no money and i know that i make donations to organizations that I feel like are doing really solid work and I look into where that money is going I make choices around the products i buy and the people I listen to you and the authors i read that they support issues that are important to me I definitely been to the stereotypes you know the legs the bra the wedding ring but that man I married is actually a really progressive guy and dare I say it a feminist himself so while I can't necessarily tell you the type of feminist I am I can tell you what feminism means to me and the same goes for motherhood so I don't feel like I fit that ideal of motherhood I don't think I am mothering my children I think I'm parenting my children so when I'm writing you know on the relationship forms you know when you're filling out the emergency contacts and you have to fill out how you know the person well I'm their mother and it feels really strains or checking out the spouse box feels really uncomfortable for me to use that language because I'm not espousing I'm not mothering I'm parenting and I'm partnering with my partner and we work really hard at that and I think that needs to be acknowledged and okayed that I don't fit the stereotype of a mother but I may still be a good one and I don't feel a stereotype of a wife but I am a damn good partner because I'm working on it and I think it's important that we say that we don't need to necessarily you know define everything about who we are we don't need to necessarily have one answer to this question of who are you because we can be a lot of things and those things can be manifested by our actions and so if we are taking the time to do all of the self discovery and I'm talking all the time to people about who i am and what this means to me in all of these roles that i occupy i have to acknowledge that i'm going to learn from the people around me that there's people around me on this earth in my community in my social circles that are going to give me great wisdom and they're going to provide me with opportunities to challenge myself in all of my identities so I have people in my life who I learn from as a feminist as an activist as a partner as a friend and as a parent and all of the other things i might package in that self-identity so I'm learning from people and I think we need to acknowledge that these people around us are in fact mentors so while I think that a formal mentorship agreement arrangement relationship can be really valuable provide really wonderful insight into who you are provide you with support and challenging ideas and concepts and developing skills we have to acknowledge that we're actually surrounded by mentors so back when I was working at that nonprofit I had a mentor and she's still a mentor to me and I was getting really burnt out I was exhausted I was feeling really guilty about letting the cause down and I was really concerned about making the change in my life in terms of my work life and I met with that mentor i sat down with her and I had coffee and I poured all of these all of these fears all of these challenges all of these anxieties out to her and I said you are a mentor to me I really really appreciate your point of view I think you challenge me tell me what you think tell me what you would do what are your ideas what's your advice and she turned to me and said well I don't have it figured out I have no idea how I can be a mentor and I have no idea what wisdom I can impart on you and I think that's a shame because I saw more in her than necessarily she was seeing it in herself at that moment she couldn't acknowledge that even though she was a work in progress that she was also a mentor that she did not have it figured out but she was a mentor to me she meant a lot to me and it been remembering that day for a long time that day is stuck with me because if we are acknowledging that people around us our mentors then we also need to acknowledge our own strengths our own positivity our own things that we have to share with our communities we need to acknowledge that we have the ability to challenge people that we have wisdom to share and that we even though we haven't figured out even though we can't answer the question of who are you and even though we even if we can we don't get it right all the time that we actually have a lot to share we have to acknowledge that we too can be mentors to other people even if we don't have it figured out and so I'm working on that I'm not perfect I'm not great at always acknowledging my own success but I'm working on it i'm working on my reaction too hey you're a role model to me you're a mentor to me from moving it from being oh not me to thank you I appreciate hearing that and moving forward in that relationship to acknowledging my own success to acknowledging that I'm okay with being a work in progress and I challenge you to do the same if you are becoming more okay with being a work in progress imagine the possibilities imagine the abilities the times and the spaces that you have to challenge each other that you have the ability to really connect with other people and share the wisdom that you both can share mutually imagine how much we can learn from each other if we become more comfortable with being works in progress and the reality is if we're all becoming more comfortable with being a work in progress our parents were right and we can in fact be whoever we want to be when we grow up thank you you