Please Don't Pat My Head | Kerry Dunn | TEDxAllendaleColumbiaSchool
The speaker argues that disability creates a paradoxical experience of being both invisible and hyper-visible within society. She details how negative attention behaviors (like head-patting) and avoidant behaviors cause profound loss of connection, ultimately asserting that systemic change requires people to give full, present attention to those with differences. The central action recommended is actively connecting with others and embracing vulnerability to foster better human understanding. ## Speakers & Context - Unnamed speaker; an inclusive educator for **26 years**. - Discussing her personal experience of chronic pain, navigating life in a wheelchair, and the resulting challenges in social connection. - Addressing the audience by creating scenarios of extreme social alienation (being ignored vs. being loud/invasive). ## Theses & Positions - Living with chronic pain and disability creates a paradoxical state of being both *"invisible"* and *"hyper visible"*. - Society often fails to address physical inaccessibility and the required connections to humans who have differences. - The social connection is a *"basic need of human experience"*; deprivation causes suffering. - Initial coping mechanisms (like over-apologizing) to manage loss of connection prove ineffective. - Barriers to connection are fundamentally *"human-made"*. - *Hope* has emerged from speaking out, suggesting that small, brave actions can initiate significant systemic change. - Deep human connection is the purpose and result of a meaningful life, which, when recognized, will inspire acts of generosity and humanity. ## Concepts & Definitions - **Invisible/Hyper-visible:** The dual state of being perceived as both unseen and overly scrutinized due to physical difference. - **Able Body:** The privilege of physical capability experienced by the speaker for the first 40 years of her life. - **Attention Behaviors:** Negative reactions from others when encountering disability, such as people commenting on mobility or the stranger pushing her chair into the soil. - **Avoidant Behaviors:** Reactions from friends, family, and coworkers who stop talking to the speaker when seeing her in a wheelchair. - **Early Adopters:** People who embrace change with curiosity and an openness to learn; described as "change warriors." ## Mechanisms & Processes - **Grieving Loss of Connection:** The speaker followed the general model of grief, moving from shock to denial when losing connection due to disability. - **Process of Advocacy:** The speaker studied why people reacted to her physical changes to understand the mechanisms behind societal barriers. - **Building Connection:** Improved connection was achieved when *early adopters* paid attention and actively helped remove obstacles, both physical and emotional. ## Timeline & Sequence - **First 40 years of life:** Lived with the privilege of an able body. - **Event Trigger:** Diagnosed with multiple diseases and suffering a traumatic brain injury, leading to excruciating changes to the body and loss of independence. - **Period of Adjustment:** Initially spent time planning how to navigate safe spaces and connect, which proved insufficient. - **Current Advocacy Period:** Beginning to speak out about access and loss of connection, which is leading to visible, albeit slow, change. ## Named Entities - **Leonard Milda:** Author who states that "the social connection is such a basic need of human experience that when we are deprived of it we suffer." - **Kubler and Ross:** Identified the stages of grief. - **Melinda Gates:** Quoted regarding the purpose of deep human connection. ## Numbers & Data - Period of ability: **40 years**. - Number of years as an educator: **26 years**. - Observation: The need for attention behaviors/avoidant behaviors occurs in public settings like elevator, highway rest stop bathroom, doctor's office, grocery store, and social gatherings. ## Examples & Cases - **The Bathroom Incident:** A stranger coming from behind, pushing her chair and her into the soil, positioning her between a toilet and the wall. - **Head-Patting:** People treating it as a right to pat her head after she sustains pain through a long meeting or navigates an eroded curb cut. - **Family Behavior:** Friends and family stopping conversations when they saw her in the chair and behind glasses, only speaking to the person pushing her. - **Successful Connection:** Connections deepened through true friends and new friends who actively helped her in her discomfort. - **Institutional Examples:** The elevator, the highway rest stop bathroom, the doctor's office, the grocery store, and work are listed as places where negative behaviors occurred. ## Tools, Tech & Products - **Wheelchair:** The primary device used to navigate and demonstrate physical limitation. - **Big Glasses:** A visible marker associated with her disability. ## References Cited - **Leonard Milda:** Source citing the fundamental human need for social connection. - **Kubler and Ross:** Identified the stages of grief. - **Melinda Gates:** Source quote on deep human connection being the purpose of life. - **Universal Design:** A concept she studies as an educator. ## Trade-offs & Alternatives - **Initial Coping:** Over-apologizing (as an alternative to confrontation) vs. speaking up. - **Isolation:** The choice to remain silent and hide in pain vs. making the "hard and brave steps toward connection." ## Counterarguments & Caveats - Initial belief that she could *fix* the loss of connection (Denial phase). - The realization that the barriers to connection are not purely physical but are *"human-made."* ## Methodology - Self-diagnosis and advocacy based on personal experience after suffering a trauma and loss of connection. - Observation of recurring behavioral patterns (attention/avoidant behaviors) in public and private settings. - Study of change theory principles, focusing on *early adopters*. ## Conclusions & Recommendations - The audience is called to action: make changes, connect with people who are different, and give them full and present attention. - The core message is to "talk to others," "take the risk," and "be brave." - The speaker explicitly requests that no one "pat anyone's head without their permission." ## Implications & Consequences - Connection is shown to be the foundational element for human flourishing, capable of inspiring generosity and love. - Failure to connect means remaining "hidden in my pain in this chair and behind these glasses." ## Verbatim Moments - *"Imagine a time where your friends family co-workers cannot connect with you in any way they can't look at you talk to you or even be near you."* - *"I am both invisible and hyper visible."* - *"no one explained the pain that comes from living in a society that often fails at physical accessibility and at connections to humans who have difference."* - *"I decided I would fix it denial."* - *"I found that head patters are everywhere strangers and people who know me believe it's their right to Pat my head."* - *"they would only speak to the person pushing me or those around me and I thought I am right here why don't you see me"* - *"these barriers for connection were all human-made"* - *"These change warriors are my life heroes"* - *"deep human connection is the purpose and result of a meaningful life"* - *"please don't pat anyone's head without their permission"*