Please Don't Pat My Head | Kerry Dunn | TEDxAllendaleColumbiaSchool
URL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ngKnFLWQRFs Video ID: ngKnFLWQRFs ============================================================ [Music] [Applause] close your eyes imagine a time where your friends family co-workers cannot connect with you in any way they can't look at you talk to you or even be near you imagine you in those moments how do you feel open your eyes maybe you feel confused angry embarrassed invisible okay close your eyes again now imagine a time where strangers and those who know you are up in your face loud are you okay how are you you are so brave I'll help you imagine them grabbing your door so your office or car and pushing you through or pushing you into a bathroom stool do I have your attention now okay open your eyes how do you feel maybe you feel angry embarrassed like you're in a spotlight hyper visible this is what it's like to live in chronic pain navigating through a wheelchair and behind big glasses I am both invisible and hyper visible when I come into spaces people often don't see a person of worth first rather they see physical difference the person who I am carry is invisible I'm also hyper visible I need help getting to lots of places and sometimes it makes noise especially if I'm pushing myself through a narrow hallway or into a dwarf tiny door space all eyes turned toward me now some will avoid or be more embarrassed to them while others will try to handle their discomfort with my physical difference by talking loudly and making a spectacle of my arrival I am different and it literally shows for the first 40 years of my life I lived in the privilege of an able body I knew the privilege I had but I didn't really get it things changed when I was diagnosed with multiple diseases and then suffered a traumatic brain injury the changes to my body were excruciating and the loss of independence more so multiple doctors had to explain how I would live in chronic pain and need the assistance of many devices but no one explained the pain that comes from living in a society that often fails at physical accessibility and at connections to humans who have difference I'm an inclusive educator and I've been so for 26 years I thought and at about disability and Universal Design I know about challenges I teach about concepts in advocacy and how to differentiate to meet the needs of an individual but I never knew what it was really like until I suffered a trauma and then could no longer open a door walk in and be seen and acknowledged for who I am rather than how I am author Leonard Milda no States the social connection is such a basic need of human experience that when we are deprived of it we suffer I began to grieve the loss of connection many years ago Kubler and Ross identified stages of grief and today psychologists have built upon these and help us to understand that grief is not a linear process when I first had this loss of connection I was shocked I didn't understand it I decided I would fix it denial I began by over apologizing for needing the lights to be low in my home office or classroom or that I needed a lot of rest in between events that were going on or that my wheelchair was too bulky to get around a crowded store aisle or over an unplowed snow-covered path I spent a lot of time planning on how to get into safe spaces and then how to connect with people who were struggling with my new differences and none of this worked the privilege that I had as an able-bodied person for connections was diminished and I found myself far away from people and places that I needed most so I decided to study how and why people had such a reaction to my physical changes the first group of people I call are the attention behaviors this is something like I would roll into a crowded elevator and be met with good job you know you are amazing now some of the people in the elevator I knew and I thought you and I both know I'm not that amazing and some were strangers who felt they had the right or need to comment on my rolling abilities the strangest attention behavior happened at a highway rest stop bathroom a woman came from behind pushed my chair and me into the soil and somehow wound up between the toilet and me this stranger must have been a gymnast to use the word shock is not strong enough the most aggravating attention behaviors really piss me off and these are people who pat my head that's right Pat my head I have had my head patted everywhere in the doctor's office in the grocery store at work as social gatherings I have found that head patters are everywhere strangers and people who know me believe it's their right to Pat my head when they think I've done something remarkable such as sustain my pain through a long meeting or navigate around an eroded curb cut crazy right and hyper visible then there are the avoidant behaviors friends family and coworkers literally stopped talking to me when they saw me in the chair and behind these glasses it was too hard for them and I would try to get into a conversation but they would only speak to the person pushing me or those around me and I thought I am right here why don't you see me invisible when multiple examples of loss of connection piled up I became angry and disheartened and I couldn't figure out how to overcome this barrier and I had to watch my family see me in excruciating pain and then have to bear witness to so many examples where I was on the other side of an unbreakable glass door in our society isolation depression despair experiencing the stages of grief through an unexpected situation I realized that these barriers for connection were all human-made and in the darkest depths of me I remembered humans have tremendous capacity for change in change theory there are early adopters these are people who embrace change with curiosity and an openness to learn these change warriors are my life heroes and have helped me take the first shaky steps toward connecting in new ways these early adopters paid attention and helped remove obstacles that were both physical and emotional so that I could be present they stood with me in my discomfort they saw me and connections deepened through true friends and new friends the most amazing thing is that hope has emerged and I have so much of it when I began speaking up and speaking out about challenges to access and loss of connection some people paid attention and took action and doors are literally and figuratively opening change is happening slowly - slowly but growing in power and I know that if I don't take the hard and brave steps toward connection I will always be hidden in my pain in this chair and behind these glasses but if I can get someone's attention and we can connect us people then maybe they can see me carry just another human trying to connect in an imperfect world and I can see them so I have a call to action for all of us we need to make changes we need you to connect with people who are different from us and we need to make sure that we give them our full and present attention we can do this I know we can and when we do and start to make these connections more will come our way as Melinda Gates States deep human connection is the purpose and result of a meaningful life and will inspire the most amazing acts of generosity love and humanity and when we make these connections and see people for their differences change can happen when we least expect it so let's make this our new bumper sticker screensaver or mantra talk to others take the risk be brave speak up and speak out and please don't pat anyone's head without their permission thank you for your attention I am grateful [Applause] [Music]