How to Get Along with Anyone with True Empathy | Kenneth Steele | TEDxBrandmanUniversity
Some people successfully spark genuine connections by following the "You, Me, We" sequence, which moves from acknowledging the other person to relating to their journey before suggesting collaboration. The speaker illustrates this principle across parenting, marriage, and business networking, noting that bypassing empathy leads to poor impressions. The best example of this dynamic connection is when a former student used the "You, Me, We" framework during a Zoom interview to successfully transition from prospect to potential partner.
## Speakers & Context
- Unnamed speaker (presenter).
- Context is teaching methods for building genuine connections in various life areas (interviews, parties, emails).
## Theses & Positions
- Making a true connection, regardless of setting, requires following a specific sequence: "You, Me, We."
- The order is critical: "Put those steps in the right order, and you can’t go wrong; put those steps in the wrong order, and a true connection won’t be made."
- The foundational step for connection is empathy: "Acknowledge them first to build trust, then relate to draw them in, and then people will want to collaborate."
- The ultimate goal across personal and professional life is validation and understanding, as *"The common denominator is we all want to be validated. We all want to be understood."*
## Concepts & Definitions
- **Gap Year:** Time students take off between high school and college.
- **"You, Me, We":** The three simple steps required to spark a true connection, in the correct sequence.
- **Empathy:** The ability to acknowledge others first, which is presented as the "easy, authentic way" to build connection.
## Mechanisms & Processes
- **The Connection Bridge:** A three-step sequential process for building rapport:
1. **You:** Acknowledge the other person first (building trust).
2. **Me:** Relate to them (drawing them in).
3. **We:** Suggest collaboration (allowing people to want to work together).
- **Parenting Application:** Evolving from basic care (baby) to complex dynamics (teenager) required the parents to continuously adapt and acknowledge the child’s growth, leading to mutual acknowledgment.
- **Business Networking Failure:** Listing one's own achievements ("Let me tell you all about me... Seen my bio?") is backwards; the process must start with acknowledging the stranger.
## Examples & Cases
- **College Setting:** The speaker was 50 years old returning to college, but the students were curious about him, establishing a "real nice community feeling" immediately.
- **Parenting Example:** When the daughter said, *"You don’t even know me, Dad,"* the speaker successfully used the model by acknowledging her, relating to her journey, and then establishing they were "all on the same side."
- **Marital Relationship Example:** Correcting the notion of choosing between a *"happy wife, happy life"* by stating the happiness is inseparable: *"It goes together; it’s the same thing. She’s happy. You’re happy. We’re all happy."*
- **Business Interview Example:** A former student, facing a Zoom interview, successfully used "You, Me, We"—acknowledging the firm first, sharing her strengths second, and suggesting contribution third—to become a potential partner.
## Named Entities
- **Oprah Winfrey:** Gave the 2013 Harvard commencement address, whose sentiment on validation summarizes the talk.
## Numbers & Data
- Speaker's age when returning to college: **50**.
- Relationship stages noted: **baby**, **toddler**, **kid**, **teenager**.
- Date of Oprah Winfrey's commencement address: **2013**.
## Tools, Tech & Products
- **LinkedIn DM:** The communication method used by the student in the final business example.
- **Zoom interview:** The virtual setting where the student demonstrated the "You, Me, We" method.
## References Cited
- Oprah Winfrey's 2013 Harvard commencement address.
## Trade-offs & Alternatives
- **Failing approach:** Leading with one's own credentials ("Let me tell you all about me...").
- **Successful approach:** Starting with acknowledging the other person's needs or status.
## Counterarguments & Caveats
- The notion that first impressions are *"all very scientific"* is superseded by the need for authentic empathy.
- The assumption that a person must *choose* between a happy spouse and a happy life.
## Methodology
- Self-observation/Storytelling: Using personal anecdotes (parenting, marriage, college) and professional case studies (job interviews) to illustrate the abstract process.
## Conclusions & Recommendations
- To ignite connection, one must consistently employ the "You, Me, We" sequence.
- The process is valuable in all areas: business, relationships, and parenting.
## Implications & Consequences
- Failure to employ empathy leads to communication failure, which can derail relationships and career opportunities.
- Successful application of the method leads to genuine connection and collaboration.
## Verbatim Moments
- *"It’s really only three simple steps: 'You, me, we.'"*
- *"The easy, authentic way begins with empathy."*
- *"You don’t even know me, Dad."*
- *"Happy wife, happy life."*
- *"You’re not choosing whether it’s happy wife or a happy life. It goes together; it’s the same thing."*
- *"Hi. Nice to meet me. Let me tell you all about me. Let me tell you about my company. Let me tell you about my mission statement. Have you seen my link? Seen my bio? I’d love you to work with me."*
- *"The common denominator is we all want to be validated. We all want to be understood."*
- *"If you step on that bridge first, then followed by me, we will have a genuine connection."*