How to Get Along with Anyone with True Empathy | Kenneth Steele | TEDxBrandmanUniversity
URL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zwNOJiNJfWc Video ID: zwNOJiNJfWc ============================================================ Transcriber: Rachel Zhang Reviewer: David DeRuwe Why is it that some people are successful at igniting connection any time anywhere: in a job interview, at a party, in an email and a text message? It seems that some people really understand how to put someone at ease and make a real connection. Here’s a story - do you know what a gap year is? It’s that time that some students take off between high school and college. I had three gap decades. So there I was, 50 years old, back in college years later, and I really didn’t know what to expect with the students. Actually what I did expect was they would think I’m the old weird guy, but what actually occurred was that they were curious about me, open about themselves, and even that first day was a real nice community feeling. It was awesome. They understood something naturally that had taken me years to figure out - that in order to spark a true connection, it’s really only three simple steps: “You, me, we.” Put those steps in the right order, and you can’t go wrong; put those steps in the wrong order, and a true connection won’t be made. You won’t make as good of a first impression. Know what they say about first impressions: they’re everything. That’s all very scientific. There’s something about two areas of the brain and blah, blah, blah, but the easy, authentic way begins with empathy. Acknowledge them first to build trust, then relate to draw them in, and then people will want to collaborate. That little three-step bridge works for everything. It’s more genuine. It’s also more genuine in all areas of our life: business, relationships, and even parenting. Here’s how it works with parenting. My wife and I are parents of two adult children, and we spent the countless hours, weeks, months, the years getting to know their hearts, minds and souls. Day in and day out. Then our oldest, my daughter says to me, “You don’t even know me, Dad.” Excuse me, I didn’t want to get defensive. I wanted to do the “You, Me, We.” I acknowledged her, and then related to her journey and then how we’re actually all on the same side. I shared with her that when we brought her home, we had to learn how to be parents of a baby. Then we had to learn how to be parents of a toddler. Then we had to learn how to be parents of a kid. And then we had to learn how to be parents of a teenager. It was different every time! She had to grow and evolve; we had to grow and evolve. She felt acknowledged; we felt acknowledged. It was great. No arguments. There’s another type of relationship across that bridge of empathy: adult relationships. I know you know this. I heard this years ago. “Happy wife, happy life.” I had never heard that before, a complete acknowledgement of someone else first, and if that first step happens, then everything else falls into place like magic. Went to a party, my three friends were there. I said, “Fellas, here’s the phrase that pays: ‘Happy wife, happy life.’” They’re all nodding their head in agreement, “Yeah.” Except for one. He was giving that 1000-mile stare, and he said, “Why do I have to choose?” I said, “It’s not a choice. You’re not choosing whether it’s happy wife or a happy life. It goes together; it’s the same thing. She’s happy. You’re happy. We’re all happy.” Needless to say, fast forward years later - we’re all still married, except for Mr. “Why do I have to choose?” There’s another relationship that also falls apart or can’t even begin. Business relationships, networking - literally making a career out of making friends with strangers. You’ve got to put the empathy step first. You’ve got to do the “You, Me, We.” Tell me if this sounds familiar: “Hi. Nice to meet me. Let me tell you all about me. Let me tell you about my company. Let me tell you about my mission statement. Have you seen my link? Seen my bio? I’d love you to work with me.” That’s all backwards. You’ve got to acknowledge them first, then try to relate and then they’ll be open to collaborating. I got a LinkedIn DM recently, and it simply said, “I provide solutions.” Great, I didn’t know that I had the problems. It’s like a doctor writing you a prescription and not asking you how you feel, where does it hurt, and looking at your chart. Someone who got it right, former student of mine - it was a big job she wanted, and she got an email from them and it said, “Are you available for a Zoom interview in 15 minutes?” After she initially freaked out, she remembered what I taught her: “You, Me, We.” She looked them up online, checked out their social media, and in that meeting, she acknowledged them first, then shared what she brings to the table, and then suggested how she may contribute to that team. She went from a typical prospect to a potential partner by walking over that bridge of empathy, right into a new position. It was beautiful! It is amazing how sparking a true connection can affect everything, personal and professional, by acknowledging them first, then relating, then trying to collaborate. Oprah Winfrey gave the 2013 Harvard commencement address, and what she said really kind of sums it up. She said, “The common denominator is we all want to be validated. We all want to be understood.” Quote, unquote. We all want to be acknowledged, right? I mean, how does somebody successfully ignite connection? Because they look for that bridge of empathy, take the right steps in the right order. So as you and I look to take our bridge into the future with each other, if you step on that bridge first, then followed by me, we will have a genuine connection. Thank you.