The Power of Self-Permission | Hollis Rohrer | TEDxISU
URL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4WRIqiauBBU Video ID: 4WRIqiauBBU ============================================================ [Applause] ah being on this stage is so meaningful to me for so many reasons but for two reasons in particular let's see so one is that I spent three and a half of my Early Childhood years right here in Pocatello idah oh my mom moved us here when I was four so she could attend the University or idah State University which is where our t x is being hosted go Bangals that's the Mini Dome in 1978 which is now your Holt Arena we moved around a little bit over the years and my mom eventually got her PhD at UCLA but in this town in kindergarten through second grade this is where it was going on see that's my sister and me and some random cat in our backyard so for anyone who grew up in a rural community especially before the invention of the internet um you know that the freedom to roam as a kid in a place like pocatella was off the charts I'd hop on my bike with my best friend Sonia who's in the audience today and we would take off into this the great unknown on this wild adventure and we would get lost for hours sometimes geographically but always in our imaginations that's Sonia in the red isn't she adorable so hanging out with Sonia and the neighborhood kids was the ultimate Wrinkle in Time experience where we were so present in our in our madeup worlds that time stopped and space warped and we were gone and we had permission to be gone as long as we were back in time for dinner I will cherish my three and a half years in Pocatello Idaho forever now the second reason why being on the stage is so meaningful to me is because growing up the idea that I could be on a stage in front of an audience in the Spotlight by myself and share my story I was not part of any story or reality my imagination could have conjured up that's because for years I would have rather crawled under a rock than subject myself to this kind of risk I mean I'll just call it for what it is exposure is terrifying okay and um but when we put ourselves out there it's worth it and um growing up in this town I realized that I needed to do that um exposure is terrifying and um in fact I'm feeling it right now I am terrified and it's because we're afraid of being exposed so I well my let me go back to my mom and dad so my mom is also here in the audience Dr Davis and she and my father I just want to give them props because um growing up they well I was a child of the 70s and they were barely 20 when they had my sister and 22 when they had me and my dad had just returned from Vietnam and no one knew what PTSD was and uh alcoholism was a disease in our family now when I was two my parents divorced and my mom was suddenly a single parent with only a high school diploma and no um no other means but to to feed these two hungry mouths and minds and so like some of you from single parent households my sister and I were sometimes left to our own devices from a very young age and by devices I I don't mean iPads or iPhones or ps5s we were latchkey kids right we didn't even have cable television we had bikes with banana seats and streamers on the handlebars and we would walk or ride to and from school in the rain and the snow uphill both ways and we would let ourselves in when we came home from school and we would get our own snacks and that was just the way it was and it wasn't bad at all before we moved to Pocatello I did have a bad experience in a doctor's office now being left to my own devices I somehow managed to put a Barbie doll dress all the way up my nose into my nasal passage yeah you heard that right I don't know how I did it super power but um I managed to put this inside here now my mom only started to figure out that something was going on or should I say catch whiff of it when my singular non-stop runny nostril started to eminate just a hint of like oh roadkill so the doctor confirmed there was some obstruction but to get it out he was going to have to stick this arm length needle like tool like this you all can see that but you know actually in my memory I think it was more like this up my nose and I was having none of it right I became a three-year-old Incredible Hulk after I I threw the doctor across the room and I tossed a nurse out the door and another one out the window they did the next logical thing I guess that a doctor from 1975 would do they put me in a straight jacket and yes and then they dug that dress out no okay the dress needed to come out right I mean there's no argument there but and I can laugh about this now you know and make light of it but the truth is trauma leaves an imprint and we never know what other people are carrying around with them and coping with the TR from that event changed my life I went from a relatively Carefree well adjusted post divorce three-year-old to very afraid in my mind in that moment I became a Target and the coping mechanism that kicked in for me was to run and hide and avoid and never get trapped again and even though I could play and get lost in my imagination I I was the kid looking back over shoulder now many of you and us have had these experiences in our lives where we thought maybe we were going to die I know I I definitely did that day in the doctor's office but I would argue that all of us have had at least one moment in our lives where we felt like we wanted to die from shame or humiliation or rejection or regret or guilt or grief or from something that we thought was a a massive failure on our part that left us feeling vulnerable and exposed and when these moments happen we draw conclusions that's what our big beautiful brains are designed to do to conclude so we come up with these ideas and and it's not always the straight jacket moments that do it sometimes it's a friend turning their back on you or an ongoing comparison between you and a sibling or your dad's side of the family telling you you have thunder thighs or wimpy biceps every time they see you when we're young it's really hard well let's be honest even when we're older it's really hard not to take things personally and so we end up with these stories about ourselves that we're not safe we're not good enough we're not smart enough strong enough feminine enough masculine enough not enough and then we go on and we start looking for proof okay and we find it everywhere we find it in the kid in second grade who teased us relentlessly because he had a crush on us oops and our best friend in fifth grade who told the whole class we stuffed our bra and the Gang of girls in junior high who tormented us and oh that guy in high school by the pool who was gross right and then the the professor in college who should have been fired and then the the the creepy guy on the subway New York City oh and also the way that cashier just spoke to me and and the dude who just cut me off in traffic and the way my partner just snapped at me we cover our elves in these injuries and then we beat ourselves up even more or cast blame because our lives don't look the way we hoped they would or work the way we want them to yeah there's nothing more terrifying than facing the unknown when we've trained ourselves over the course of a lifetime to expect worst case scenarios if I'm gonna get hurt again at least I'll be ready for it next time I'm going to navigate the unknown in the most predictable way I can but here's the thing there's no one to blame for these limiting Loops that we find ourselves in not us and not anyone else it's human nature to cover ourselves and and look for these injuries so what do we do if if these conclusions that we draw we're emotionally invested in and they become the beliefs that we hold as true but we're not happy with the outcomes of our lives what do we do how do we interrupt our own spin Cycles through the power of self- permission permission defines Our Lives you guys in so many ways when we're little we ask if we can have a snack if we can stay up late if we can go to a friend's house if we can go to the bathroom or if we can finish the the math problem on the Whiteboard if we can we ask for raises and PR emotions and acceptance into groups and if our hair looks okay and if it's okay to be honest with someone seeking permission is a learned practice that we all participate in even as adults and sometimes without even realizing it permission defines the parameters around our lives that that teach us what is and isn't acceptable and sometimes we forget even when we grow up that these parameters are malleable I mean how does someone like like me who believed I was a Target growing up and whose Mo was to run and hide and and avoid and and not be trapped and that made me scared of everybody and insecure and defensive and wanting to crawl under a rock how do I get on a stage and expose myself like this I give myself permission now there are infinite ways we can all permit ourselves to break free from our spin cycles and here are three ways you can try the first is to stop getting consumed by the feelings that arise when you get triggered and you can do this by saying thank you for being part of who I am because here's the thing there's not one feeling inside you or one belief you hold that is bigger than who you are when you realize that you're the container for all all of your feelings and all of your beliefs you can start permitting those parts of you to exist without letting them take over yeah you are in charge you are the adult or for my daughters and Sophia in the audience you're becoming the adult and you get to decide if you're going to be led by a limiting belief or lead with an empowered one when you take a moment to thank that part of you that is arising again out of habit out of years of valid validation you acknowledge it for what it is a conclusion you drew at a time in your life when it made sense those limiting beliefs that hinder you also once helped you believing that I was a Target made me smarter more alert more observant more compassionate and more willing to learn and get ahead of the curve give yourself permission to appreciate that part of yourself as one smaller piece of the whole and let it know that the bigger part of you can take it from here the second way you can really start to take back your power is by owning up and you can do this by believing if I created it I can change it now when you take ownership of the lenses through which you see the world you become empowered you're no longer defined by things out of your control you can't control other people and you can't control everything that comes your way but you can control how you choose to interpret a situation okay I can give myself permission to continue being a Target that choice will always be available but since I am the one that Drew that conclusion in the first place it's mine to change if I wish instead of being a Target today I choose to be an instrument of change for the betterment of all responsibility creates choice and choice creates power and with power comes Freedom if I created it I can change it and the third way you can really start to transform your life is by saying I'm going to do it anyway that's my daughter so when you this is a commitment you can make that has two-fold results s when you do it anyway that means that regardless of whatever you need to do to move your life forward even if you don't feel like it or even if it brings up feelings of inadequacy or insecurity you do it anyway you you commit to showing up in your life you follow that voice inside that knows what you want honors what you need and tells you what you need to do to move one step closer to your goals and dreams regardless of how I feel backstage I walk out here and I do this talk anyway and when you commit to doing it anyway that means you can do it any way you want that's my other daughter so doing it any way means I can walk out on this stage and do this talk any way I choose I can have props I can have slides I can just talk within the context of a tedex talk I can do it my way or I can choose to get this message out another way write a book host a podcast teach a course I don't have to get on a stage if I don't want to the parameters around your life are built by what you're taught and the conclusions you draw but those parameters are not fixed they are ideas that can be changed did I even three months ago think I'd be on a Ted X stage talking to all of you today no I did not and like here I am you don't have to ask permission to show up in your life or for how you choose to show up you just show up you guys in your way through the power of self- permission thank you so much I'm H Roar thank you