The power of being a bit more you | Sarah Thomson | TEDxDeMontfortUWomen
URL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3ml04EJq9w Video ID: P3ml04EJq9w ============================================================ i think i want to start this talk with a question why don't we as women speak authentically which is perhaps answered best with another question are we really encouraged to be authentic at all a few years ago i approached a coach which is not uncommon for someone in my position as a woman in a senior leadership role what is interesting is what i asked her to work on with me my voice i wanted training in how to be taken seriously how to not sound silly or angry how not to have my ideas in nor ignored in a meeting when i suggest them only to be adopted five minutes later when someone else usually a man repeated them i actually asked her if she could teach me to drop my voice to a lower octave two years later and my voice is still at the same pitch excitableness and infuriating enthusiasm but she has finally helped me to see that my voice is my tool and instead of trying to hide it or change it i should use it recently joe elvin who's the editor of you magazine said the following the fact is we hold men and women to different standards a man who speaks his mind is seen as strong a woman who does the same is difficult or annoying it's a tight rope i've walked for decades now you constantly try to be decisive without looking bossy you work hard at keeping your emotions in check for fear of being branded hysterical joe also says how she too has bought into this narrative herself and nodded along as female personalities in the public eye have essentially been told to be a little less you well i want to argue today why you should stop being afraid of being you stop buying into this narrative stop being controlled by the fear of what might happen and allow yourself to be a lot more you this is not a new phenomenon historically i think that women have been discouraged from activating and regularly using their authentic and real voices let me take you back to 1868 and the book little women in chapter 8 joe talks to her mother about how her anger overcomes her and her mother's response is as follows i've been trying to cure it for 40 years and have only succeeded in controlling it i'm angry nearly every day of my life joe but i have learned not to show it and i still hope to learn not to feel it though it may take me another 40 years to do so cure it control it don't show it and possibly the worst of all learn not to feel it ask yourself the question here what if joe's mother's anger is legitimate what if she's angry about something that she should be angry about why on earth should she be trying not to feel it and who gets to say whether or not she feels angry about something i remember this quote from when i read little women as a young adolescent and for years it haunted me countless times i would feel angry and think to myself how do i stop feeling like this i would also say using your precious time for over 40 years on something that is unachievable and in my opinion pointless is criminal let's stop wasting our time there are far more important things that we could all be doing now scoville who's a writer and director and producer in the u.s said in an article for oprah there were times i failed to keep my emotions in check frustration was the hardest to contain for me i cry because i care and i don't know how to stop caring why are we putting effort into trying to stop caring when did caring become a bad thing it's not something to be ashamed of and it's not something we should be hiding but how often have you hidden the hurt or pain you're feeling a situation because it somehow feels wrong to show it we have to ask why it feels wrong to do it and what we're losing by not allowing emotion into the conversation and into the toolkit of how we work and interact with people now scoville also said we talk a lot about the pay gap which needs to be fixed and she's right it does but so does the emotion gap women are not allowed to be as authentic as men at work so if we're hiding our real voices and we're not being authentic out of this fear of what people will think why does it matter well i think it matters because our voices are what we use to tell our stories and if our voices are not legitimate then our stories are not legitimate either and if our stories are not told then our experiences simply do not exist they're told through different voices and they have no power stories and voices are powerful because when they're real and they contain emotions like pain or anger they connect with people if we don't use our authentic voices to tell our own stories then we fail to connect with people so let's take a look at when women have let these authentic voices come through who face down the fear of what might happen and done it anyway in 2018 hannah gadsby's one woman stand-up comedy show nanette hit netflix this was the show that hannah herself referred to as her quitting comedy in it she stopped telling jokes and instead she told unapologetic stories with truth and purpose she stopped her own complicity in silencing her own stories and playing the game by the rules written by other people instead of laughing about her internal trauma and her experiences of physical assault and rape just to make the audience feel comfortable she revealed her pain man that is honest it's truthful it's angry it's real and it's emotional hannah revealed in a later ted talk that she expected nanette to push her further into the margins of the her chosen career field but instead through her act of disconnection the world connected with her and pulled her in in hannah's own words quitting comedy launched her comedy career in 2014 reneedo lodge published a blog on her website called why i am no longer talking to white people about race in an interview several years later renee spoke about that blog post and what had compelled her to write it it was written at a point of despair an emotional exhaustion after years of trying to talk to white feminists and people in typically progressive circles about race and getting absolutely nowhere the post is honest it's truthful it's angry it's real and it's emotional it's unapologetic the blog post took on a life of its own it resonated with people in a way that renee says she couldn't have even begun to predict in 2017 renee published the book of the same name to critical acclaim and recently this book was the first book by a black british female author to reach the number one spot in the uk book charts in 2010 brene brown gave that ted talk at tedx houston the power of vulnerability you may be one of the 49 million people who have watched that talk in a recent netflix show brene talks about how this talk came into being the day before she gave it she said to her husband i'm not going to give my usual talk i'm going to talk about vulnerability and perhaps more importantly i'm going to drop the academic armor and i'm going to be vulnerable she told personal stories about her own breakdown her talk is honest truthful real and emotional after the talk she describes feeling full of shame glad it was over and swore never to do it again the talk exploded and propelled brene into the spotlight so what is going on here these women took a risk they should have been cast out and cast aside for daring to be authentic for ignoring their fears and for speaking their truth which is exactly what they all thought would happen but these three women's experiences are exactly at the point their power exploded instead of playing by the game playing by the rules using the prescribed language and staying in their allocated lane they stepped out of it and they stepped up they brought their whole selves they were brave and it didn't end any of their careers it launched them their ability to find their honest truthful real angry and emotional voices and use them and to hell with the consequences set them free that freedom put them into a different space and created a new connection with their audiences connection they'd never previously achieved because they were dancing to someone else's music singing to someone else's tune but their own songs in their own words were immense they connected with people and they were and still are extremely powerful my message to you today throw out the rule book the rules of public speaking of business of social engagement spoiler alert they weren't written by you and they damn sure weren't written to empower you we are on someone else's stage conforming to these rules prevents our authentic voices from rising up and being heard so break the rules find your voice and own your stage be honest and truthful angry real and emotional don't follow the advice of joe's mother and hide your voice and try to control it or not to feel in it tap into it and use it and if you're sitting there thinking yeah i want to use my authentic voice but i don't know what it is or where it is the next time you are failing to be heard failing to be taken seriously or really truly listened to think about what voice you're using to tell that story is it yours or are you using the unempowering rule book next time you feel something and stop yourself from expressing it because it might not be polite or you're worried you'll be labelled bossy or aggressive or weak there she is that's your authentic voice screaming to be heard stop listen to her if she's speaking your truth then let her out and just a word of caution to finish authentic female voices are powerful they scare people because people aren't used to hearing them and when people are scared they lash out be surprised if using your authentic voice brings with it some unwanted backlash any woman who's used her voice in this way will be all too familiar with the reactions which can range from an unpleasant smirk in a meeting to a death threat on social media so be aware of this but don't let it stop you with enough of us all using our authentic voices telling our stories our way you won't be able to hear the trolls from behind our raw be honest be truthful be real be angry and be emotional be you and as well as setting you free it might just change the world for us all thank you