Transcript

The world needs you to be selfish! | Jennifer Ehrmantraut | TEDxRPLCentralLibrary

[Applause] you're selfish relationships are not designed for selfish individuals don't be so selfish anybody else have a little bit of a flashback to high school I had a little bit of one you know these words are this word selfish it's made to elicit this negative connotation for us this guilt that comes with that word selfish and we all know that and we know it even more especially when there's a hand on the hip and a little bit of a finger waggle we know for sure that something isn't right you know I want to I want to challenge you today I want to reframe what your view of the word selfish is today I want to push some of those boundaries a little bit I want you to think about these words love joy peace and happiness these words sound good they feel good and there's no negative connotation with it whatsoever however if you think about the root of these words it's how we feel and there's nothing more selfish than how we feel so why do we get all caught up in the negative societal stigma around that word selfish because we're it's all about how we feel I'm gonna just do this hey I got a timer now too that's awesome that 15 seconds so it's good but we get caught up in in how we feel when somebody tells us we're being selfish think about that one line relationships are not designed for selfish individuals so what does that mean if I'm in a relationship somebody else has to make me happy and I have to make somebody else happy and then if I'm happy in some other way that's not right really really that doesn't make any sense at all and if you think about when somebody says you're being selfish all that means is that you're doing something that you want to do but they don't want you to do it is crap but we get caught up in that negative connotation and I want you to think about the world right now the American Psychological assoc Association says that 80% of all people feel stress moderate or high levels of stress on a regular basis and the American Institute of stress so much stress we had to create an Institute really see I have to incorporate really now all the time but so much stress that we had to create an Institute they say 80% of all employees experience stress on the job and nearly 50% of them don't know how to manage it so where do you fall are you in that 50% of that group where stress has that hold on you has a grip on you and you don't know how to manage it do you feel just caught up in that stress every day or are you in that other group that other group where there's stress around you but it's no big deal you have the tools to manage it you go to work and you feel engaged you feel inspired you feel like you're making a difference you know I'm somewhere in between you know there's days where I just I feel that pull of stress and I feel it just grip on me and then there's other days where it's not a big deal and what I've noticed is the difference between those two days is what goes on in my head it's that negative voice in my head anybody else have that negative voice in your head I'm GNA assume you're all nodding yes because I can't see you it's just going to make me feel better because mine is going on in my head and it's that voice that says you're not good enough you're not smart enough you're not doing enough you're not funny enough and you know what everybody might have actually left the audience right now cuz you're not enough you know I've had that voice for so long I don't even remember where it came from what I know is that voice is that voice is what holds us back think about that voice when it's negative for you where has it held you back where's you H held you back from meeting somebody that might be interesting to talk to has it held you back from even going to the party has it held you back from applying for that job that you really want but you just didn't do it because that negative voice kept you there what I know is that this negative voice in our head that voice is the source of our stress and it is the root of our symptoms and that voice shapes the way we feel and what we think about ourselves and this is what I believe need to change this is what I believe we need to get selfish about because it's this voice that holds us back from having the impact in our lives that we deserve you know when I think about this voice and how many times it's held me back it just it it even I can feel that stress starting to rise starting to come up and I found a solution to that stress the solution was completely by accident you know there were there were years where I tried to silence this voice where I tried to pretend it didn't exist and that didn't work and there were times when I you know being somebody who wants to want everybody to like me which is that voice again you know I invited that voice in made it tea made that voice feel comfortable even gave that voice my side of the bed that didn't work either you know when we acknowledge that voice that's what makes the difference you know when I ignored the voice it got louder and louder and I still tried to ignore it but it got so loud that it leapt out of my head and it landed on my body I landed on my arms my sides my legs and even the top of my feet that voice transformed into a rash that covered my whole entire body for two years and I tried everything I tried creams I tried lotions I tried biof feedback I tried breiky I tried massage I tried access bars I tried body talk I even tried to soak in an enclosed capsule full of salt and nothing worked all of those things gave me temporary relief from my stress from my rash but nothing gave me Permanent relief they say right now that stress is a $300 billion annual cost in the us alone what we are doing is not working that's the cost of treatments it's the cost of sick time it's the cost of employee turnover it's the cost of workers comp what we're doing is not working we need to find a different solution like I said I found that Solution by accident it's only something that makes sense When I Look Backwards you know there was one day where I took I took my two dogs I have a little chocolate lab well he's 85 pounds he's not really all that little and and a blondie and we started going across the road to go and uh to go into the field and we also have a cat at home and my husband doesn't like when I talk about the cat because he thinks I might be a bit crazy and that voice in my head might be you know you know on The Simpsons that crazy cat lady who throws the cats out you know I think he thinks of our cat like that she she's kind of part dog so she comes along with us and we will the four of us walk down this little Deer Path down a valley into a top of a hill and I sat in the middle of this field on the top of the hill and the dogs they went running around I'm pretty sure there was rabbit poop somewhere that they wanted to get into and they found that and I just sat there and I watched the sunset and I watched the sun go from This brilliant yellow to these deep oranges and finally set in these just beautiful pastel pinks and it took my breath away I'd never actually watched a sunset before I've seen lots of Sunset sets but I never actually watched it and then I wanted to go every night and so for two weeks the four of us made our little Trek into the middle of that field and we would watch the sunset every night for two weeks and what I found is that quality of voice started to change that voice in my head started to be more positive I started to be grate f for things that were in my life proud of things that I did in my day and even looking positively towards the future and once I realized that this voice in my head started to change and that my symptoms of rash started to go away I started to get selfish I started to claim that time for my own I started to want to do this every day because I started to feel better feel better about me and feel better about my worthiness my question for you is what's your rash what is that voice holding you back from doing what are the symptoms that come up for you do you fight with your spouse do you yell at your kids in the middle of a grocery store do you maybe have debilitating headaches that last for days maybe sometimes it's just a struggle to get out of bed or maybe it's showing up for you in a way that you just know isn't good isn't good for your body for your relationships or isn't good for your bank account because we all have a rash mine just happened to be an actual rash and once I started getting selfish and claiming that time and connecting with that place within myself that I knew I was worthy and finding my joy that's when it all changed for me the trajectory of my stress completely shifted you know right now the American Psychological Association says that in teenagers in high school their number one Health concern is the amount of stress that they're under and that if they don't find healthy ways of dealing with that stress now there'll be serious long-term impacts for them in the future I can't think of a better example to set for the Next Generation ation than for us to be selfish for us to find our joy and connect with our joy because what we're doing right now isn't working 80% of all employees are experiencing stress really that doesn't make any sense we are not here to experience stress have you ever tried to connect with somebody to have a conversation to be there with somebody when you are feeling extreme amounts of stress we can't do it where is the connection that we can have with each other when we're experiencing that stress it doesn't exist I believe we need to get selfish we need to find that place within ourselves where we can experience joy and you might be thinking okay how can we do that you know my joy is sunsets yours might be something different yours might be dancing naked in the middle of your living room maybe yours is knitting I think some of you might have a secret knitting passion that you really want to get in touch with but you have to find yours there is study after study that's done on the different on spending time in nature on the benefits of yoga on the benefits of meditating of laughter of exercise and the Common Thread throughout each one of these is that with 20 minutes of inspired action there is a significant and measurable reduction of stress we know this this isn't new so why are we doing nothing about it why are we letting the stress win it is simple but we are continually listening to that voice in our heads we're listening to that voice that continually says why I don't have time somebody else might be able to do that but that's not okay for me you're not good enough you're not smart enough you can't do that we need to stop listening to that voice some people call that voice ego some people call that voice um the lizard some people call it the listening to the Ducks it's just that voice that just sits there and we need to get selfish you know for those of you who are leaders who are thought leaders change agents or innovators which is all of you here watching it is up to you to reframe what selfish means because until you do you are not going to have that impact in this world that you deserve you're not going to have the connections with other people that you're meant to have and you're not going to have the relationships that you yearn to have it's not until you get selfish and what's beautiful about it is we all have a choice we can choose to be selfish or we can choose to stay in that stress you can choose to be one of those 50% of people who are in that stress or you can choose to get selfish to find that place to find your joy to reduce that negative talk in your head you get to choose my question for you today is what do you choose I hope you choose Joy thank you