Find the story you want to be | Bisila Bokoko | TEDxKLU Hamburg
URL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zc16MrlBXVw Video ID: Zc16MrlBXVw ============================================================ [Applause] One of the most difficult questions for me to answer always is where are you from? Anytime I say I am from Spain, people say Spain from where? And I say Spain from Spain. When I arrived to Madrid every single day, yesterday for example, I was there. Every taxi driver always ask me, "And you, why you speak so well in Spanish?" And this is such a long story. But since we have time today, I will share with you because I promise some of the people who I just find today, this morning, they also asked me the same question. So I'm going to answer. I have to go back to my great-grandmother. My great-grandmother Da Par was born in Eptorial Guinea is the only tiny country in Africa that we speak Spanish. And in the late 50s, she ran away from a marriage of domestic violence and she decided to go to Spain and study. At that time, Spain was um Euatini was a colony of Spain. She went to Barcelona and she decided to become a teacher and study education. When she went back to Equatorial Guinea, she decided to create a school because she realized that you cannot decide where you born, but you can decide how you live. So she created a school for women that she called Wiso Epola. This is the first sentence you're going to hear in movie language. So I would like you to say it with me because I'm sure you're going to like what it means. Eola means women raise up. And the reason why she put that name is because she thought that if women are able to get education, they will have choices. Maybe education is not the answer to right to success, but it gives you the opportunity to decide. And as she went through so much, she wanted that other girls have also options. My mother was one of her students and she decided to go to Spain and become a nurse. My father, who is his grandson, went to Spain in the 70s and he studied law. I was born in Spain the mid70s when the word diversity was not in the vocabulary of most companies and I started to remember the day that I realized that I was black because believe it or not when you are seven years old you don't have a consciousness about color until someone pointed out to you. So here we are. We are in class and the teacher decided to change people from places and she sit me next to a boy and this boy look at me and start crying like there is no tomorrow and he start saying no no no no don't send me with her. I don't want to be black like her. He thought that was contagious and I was so confused that when I came back home I told my parents that I was called black and my parents are very practical. They said, "Look in the mirror. What color are you?" And I said, "Brown, not black." Because in my color scales, I was brown. So that day, my parents said, "You know what? You have two issues. You are black and you're a woman, and you will have to deal with this, and it's not going to be easy for you. And on top of that, you are the first generation of Africans born in Spain. So whatever you do is gonna have an impact because we can create a stereotypes. So from that day, not only I was so scared that I was black, I also realized that I have the map of Africa on my shoulders. My education was not usual. My parents were only 22 years old when they have me. I have a 22 year old daughter. I couldn't imagine she handing children right now, but my parents did. And of course, like immigrants, they have to work a lot to really take care of us. And I spend a lot of time with books. Books became really my nannies, my teachers, my psychologist. You don't tell your African parents that you have a problem that you are depressed that something is happening to you that is not existent. So definitely I found the answers in the books. Also my parents didn't know how to really explain me what is going to be be black in the world for me. That's the reason why they also give me books for me to understand what is to be African in the world. It's not the same to be an European African. It's not the same to be born in America and being an African-American and it's not the same to be an African in Africa. They give me books to understand what is the scars that is slavery leave on you and also the scars of colonization but also they wanted me to be proud of who I am. So they give me a lot of biographies of African people that they did something and also women. So biographies really shaped my life. I remember the day that I came home and I said, 'I know what I going to do with my life. I'm going to be an actress. And my parents look at me and they say, we didn't came from Africa for you to be an actress. What is that? You need to study very serious things. So I end up studying law and economics. I'm from the time of MBAs. Definitely have to go to an MBA and study also international relations. I did everything by the book. And when I finish college, and some of you, you are recent graduates or you're still in college, you will understand what I'm saying. You're really thinking, "Oh, I did everything. So now I'm going to get a great job." Well, guess what? I spend months and months without answers. Sometimes at that time actually was not linking like now. So you have to really have a typewriter, do the directors, put it in the post office. This was a whole process. So I did that many many times and anytime it comes the answers that we have no vacant for you. I'm sorry. And sometimes when I have the opportunity to talk to someone on the phone, they did not hear any African or American accent or nothing. So when they see me, they just jump back because they didn't realize that they will expect a black person. And I think that at that time they don't really know where to place me. So I was of course very frustrated until one book came into my life a book called real magic from wine dire. And then I start thinking that I needed to change my narrative. I could change my narrative from being being you know the victim of the circumstances or start to being the creator of my life. When you shift your mentality this way something happens and you start seeing opportunities where they were not before. And that's what happened. And I was in class marketing inter international marketing in class and the teacher spoke about how to do international business and suddenly something was like wow this is for me maybe I could fit there so sometimes you really need to get into really what's your story how could you contribute so that's exactly what I started doing instead of complaining that I will not get a job is to see how I could contribute and I realized that I had something that a lot of people didn't have and is cultural intelligence and that could be an asset for different companies particularly in the international arena. So they explained me that there were organizations that helped to promote business overseas and I applied and because I really was thinking that I could be an asset for them, they end up hiring me and this was also my passport to the city of my dreams, New York. And I exactly remember because they have offices all around the world and it was the first time that I meet the general manager. It was her first day at work and this is 5:00 pm and I meet her in the elevator. And I told her, "How was your day?" And she looked at me and she said, "Who are you?" I said, "I'm the intern of the information department." And she said, "Oh, nice to meet you." And then I said, "Can I ask you a question?" And she said, "Sure." I said, "What did you do to be a director? because one day I would love to become one. And she said, "Well, I study law." I said, "Then I'm not so far." And then I said, "Since I have you here, I have a dream to go to New York and I know you have an office there and I'm the person that you should send there." And then she said, "You know what? I just started here. I don't know you. Why don't you talk to your boss and the next day you come to talk to me?" So that's what happened. And sometimes we are waiting for things happen to us. But you have to ask. I have many doors that closed in my face. And when the door closed, I take them down. [Applause] When I was in New York and I had the opportunity to deal with amazing people, learn about how to do business and help Valenthian companies to get to sell paella and to just sell olive oil and all these great things. They hired me to become the executive director of the Spain US Chamber of Commerce. For me that day was amazing because I came from just representing a real a really tiny region in Spain to just the whole country. In a time that the relationship between Spain and United States start changing. I remember when I get there that people ask me if I know what is a microwave. I say yes we have microwaves in Spain. You have to understand that a lot of the people in United States didn't have a passport and they don't have a v vision about what's happening in the world. New York is not United States. So when I was traveling over there, people asked me all these questions. It was amazing for me to hold that position and being a woman and have 38 people in my boardroom that were men and I was the youngest. It was not easy. And after some years doing that job, one day at 3 p.m. Fridays in America, they always fire you Friday at 3 p.m. They fire me and they fire you at 3 p.m. on Friday so you can't have a beautiful weekend. And it was like in the movies, you know, that pick up your things and just get out of here. And sometimes we ask why me? But then I asked myself what for me and I realized you know what is the biggest enemy of success is arrogance. I became arrogant because being so young having in this amazing position and sitting in the table with leaders from across the the world basically I thought that I could do whatever I want and I love to do whatever I want. And in this case when they fire me of course I was confused at the beginning but I think that you have to have self-reflection and take responsibility. And when I did that I realized that when you align who you are with what you do is when you find the answers and I didn't realize that I was an entrepreneur. Of course, an immigrant is looking for financial security, safety, and my parents being immigrants and me being now also an immigrant, double immigrant. Of course, I was looking for the same. So, I have fear. But behind fear, there is always an opportunity. Fear is not the absence of being brave is to do it with fear. That's how I became an entrepreneur. Also, the first time I went to Africa, I was 35 years old. I remember when I arrived in Ghana the first time and I was in the airport. It was the first time in my life that I was surrendered. Everyone was black. And I was like, "Wow, that surprise was for me because I never been in a place that everyone was black." And as I was traveling around, something happened to me that changed my life. one thing extremely romantic because they make me the queen of kokafu a very small tiny place which is another story but the thing is I met children that they never touch a book with their hands and I thought if books save my life if I'm here because of books how I can allow that kids that look like me they don't have books so I started my project Villa Africa literacy project in order to create libraries in Africa because the the the thing that that I wanted to share with them is that with a book you're never alone because a lot of children in Africa since they are five six years old they have to cook they spend many hours alone they have to take care of the kids the other ch the other brothers and sisters so their life is not easy but I guarantee you I have seen how books have changed people life it comes to mind Paul a little boy in Kenya. I met him with nine years old and he always loved these books about traveling and to become a pilot was his dream and he achieved his dream. Recently when I was in Nairobi he was piloting a plane. So dreams come true if you change your narrative. He's a Masai boy. He was living really in the Masai Mara in the middle of nowhere. But today he changed his life. So that's why I have this commitment with education and I think books could really save the our lives. When it comes to how we can change our narrative from victim to creator for me there are three essential capabilities. One is a datative identity. They asked Steve Jobs in an interview if he considered himself um nerd or a hippie and he said more of a hippie but I'm surrounded by nerds so maybe I'm one too. So the reason why I say that is because I uh adaptative identity means the ability to evolve. He was really a logical person but also intuitive and I think this is the reason what he was able to shift for a college dropout to become a visionary in technology. That's the reason why he was a fire co and he became a person who changed the world. This is also how I became the person who I am today. I was an employee and today I'm entrepreneur. Then is narrative agency. Narrative agency means to really create your own stories. We could decide if we want to be really the out the actors or the authors of our own stories. And there is future literacy. A future literacy means that you see the future before it happens. And then there is these little techniques that you can use. Identity shifting. Identity shifting means that you start creating that person who you want to be. So you write down some of the capabilities, habits that other people have. And when you admire somebody, whatever you admire in somebody is in you and it's up to you to find it. The next thing is scripting. You can write really your own script. All of us we do it. And I think that if you really write your story, the movie that you would like to see, that becomes your life. And then is visualization. I think that years ago I visualized for me to be here in the stage and today I'm here. I also visualized to write a book and I wrote a book. The only thing I forgot is to visualize a very fat bank account. But I will do and I just want to go back to my great-grandmother who believe in that. She really changed the narrative and I think we all could be map makers. And the question here is you might be lost and when you are lost you're trying to get a map but why if instead of trying to find one you create one and that's the system that you could do with this little things identity shifting change the identity about who you want to be a scripting write your own story and visualize how you want to be but I also want to leave you with one more tip you need to go every night to bed with a smile And if you wake up in the morning and D smile is not there, go back to sleep. Thank you. Thank you. [Applause]